All we are
by EndlessStarlight
Summary: Five years ago Serena left New York, cutting all ties with those she left behind.However when a chance meeting means her friends are brought back into her life, how will they all react to her secret?
1. Prologue

Serena's P.O.V

I sat on the bathroom floor, water from the sink slowly dripping down to make a puddle on the floor. But I couldn't bring myself to stand up to turn it off. The stupid little stick next to me had frozen me. Or more specifically, that stupid little pink plus sign on the stick. The one that matched the other three lying scattered around the bathroom. Now I can't even blame it on a faulty test, I guess I have to admit that I'm pre... preg... pregn...

Oh I can't do it! I can't say it to myself. But I can't give it up, or get rid of it. The one promise I never want to break is the one I made to myself when I was ten. When I decided that no matter what, I would never abandon my child. And I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it either. I guess... I was going to be a mother within the year.

And Nate... Nate would be a father! Except... I couldn't... I can't... telling him would ruin his life. It won't come as a surprise to anyone that I messed up again, but Nate had a bright future in front of him. One I wasn't willing to snatch away from him. And it's not like we are together, it was just one night! Juliet hurt him, I was there for comfort and a couple of bottles of later, things ended up going a little further than we meant to.

After I felt the water reach my hand, I pushed myself up and turned the tap off. I looked into the mirror, and gave my reflection a sad little smile. My hair was sticking to my face, my mascara was now running down my cheeks and my make-up was smudged all over my face. The only times I'd looked like this before was on my wilder nights out.

"Serena?" I heard Blair call my name and I quickly flung some water over my face and trying to make myself look at least somewhat presentable, as I heard her call again.

"In a minute." I shouted back. I was about to walk out when I seen the tests. There was no way I could let Blair see them, she would tell Nate, and... Well he would do the honourable thing, but I couldn't let him do that. I wasn't letting him throw away everything he could achieve as I messed up. No, the only thing for me to do was leave. I don't know where I would go, just anywhere but here.

"Serena!" Blair screamed back. I took a deep breath in to compose myself, and flung the tests into the bin as I walked out of the bathroom in search of Blair.

"Yeah?" I asked once I seen her standing in the middle of my room.

"You'll never guess what that Chuck Bas..." she started as she turned around and then paused when she seen me. "What happened to you? You look worse than homeless person."

"Thank you Blair, you look lovely too." I replied and went to sit on my bed. "Did you want something?"

"Oh right!" she exclaimed as if remembering what she was meant to tell me. "Chuck was at Columbia today! Can you believe it? That was my territory, my safe place, the one place I could escape him!"

"You could just give in, and admit your stupid war is well... stupid." I replied, clearly when something is on my mind, it chooses not to work.

"And give in?" Blair asked shocked "Oh no, this calls for payback. That's what I came to ask, me and Dorota are going out to strategies, you want to come?"

"No, I have some work to do for class, and I really want to get it finished tonight."

"Suit yourself." Blair shrugged. "I'll see you later then."

"Yeah." I replied sadly knowing she wouldn't, as she walked out the door I got up and ran over to hug her. "Goodbye Blair."

"Are you OK?" she asked raising an eyebrow "I'm only going out for a while."

"I'm fine, just wanted to say goodbye is all." I shrugged trying to play it down and blink back my tears.

"I'll see you later S." she said as she walked out of the door. Once I knew she was gone I found my suitcase and began stuffing clothes into it. I would just take the basics and get anything else I needed later. I just needed to get away as fast as I could, I would worry about the other stuff later. I grabbed my purse and my passport, then ran downstairs.

Pausing momentarily, I walked out of the building and hailed a cab. Climbing into it, I asked him to take me to the airport.

"You going anywhere nice?" he asked me as he began to drive down the road.

"Anywhere but here." I replied placing my hands over my stomach. From now on, the person growing inside me, had to be the most important thing ever. And today would be the last day that Serena Van Der Woodsen could talk to anyone from here, tomorrow I would have to invent someone new. Someone responsible, someone who had to get a job, someone who couldn't drop everything at the drop of her hat. And the most important thing, I had to become someone who could fix her own mistakes and not rely on other's to do that.

As he pulled up to the airport a small tear ran down my face. I wiped it away quickly, shoved some bills into his hand and walked away with my suitcase, while the driver shouted I had given him too much. I just walked on, towards the information desk. It didn't take me long to get a standby flight. One for tomorrow morning, heading towards London.

England would be my new home, and the place where I start my life over again. I just hope I can give my child the life they deserve, as I am already denying them the chance to know their father.


	2. When the walls around you crumble

I sat crossed-legged on my couch, staring down at the book in front of me. It was a photo album of my children, the one's that my life now revolved around. My twins, my two little wonders. Summer Lily and Eric Nathaniel Gardner.

I guess I should explain their first names as a starting point. Well Summer got her first name because summer was always mine and Nate's season. When I was naming them, I wanted something to link them to Nate, and Summer was the first thing that came to me. I guess the "Lily" part is self-explanatory, it was a link to the grandmother that she would never know. Same with Eric. Well actually that name was a little harder to come up. I thought of Nathaniel at first, but then I thought that I couldn't deal with calling him "Nate" all the time, as it would remind me of what I had taken away from Nate, without him ever knowing. So it became him middle name, which left me with a blank on his first name, before I thought of one of the people who had always been there for me, no matter what. My brother. Despite him being youngest, he helped me through a lot, and it felt right to name his nephew after him.

Which then brings us to their second name. I am aware "Gardner" isn't remotely close to "Van Der Woodsen" or "Archibald", but that was the idea. I wasn't stupid, I knew how many PI's people had back home, and using my name would have made me too easy to find, and I couldn't risk that. So Serena Van Der Woodsen flew over to London from New York, but Amy Gardner moved to _Cambridge. _

_Before leaving London I took as much money out of the family accounts as I could without arising suspicions, then once I moved here I never risked using the money again. I used the money I had to rent a small two bedroom flat. It wasn't anything like I was used to, but I would have to compromise a lot now. It wasn't about me anymore, it had to be about my baby. _

_Gloria, the woman who owned the building, also owned a small bakery down the street, and taking pity on me she offered me a job. It didn't pay much but it was enough, and she was also kind enough to help me out when I needed it. She was actually the one who came with me to the hospital when I was having the baby, all except to my surprise I ended up with twins. She tried countless times in the early stages of their life, to get me to contact my family, but was met with a firm no each time. I had come that far, to mess it all up. And for the first time I wasn't going to rely on others to help me out and do everything for me as I was prone to do. I would be a grown-up, after all if I couldn't do it for my children, I wouldn't be able to do it for anyone. _

_Today was actually when the twins turned four. It scared me how fast they seemed to be growing. And while I was actually quite excited about spending tomorrow night with them, I had work during the day so I couldn't see them then, I also felt a little depressed. But then I always did when it came to their birthday and Christmas, when it became obvious what I had denied Nate off. But I could never bring myself to fully regret my decision, by now I'm sure he will have found a new girl, one who deserves him, he would be successful, and just be happy. I didn't want him to feel like he was trapped by me or the kids. So while I might feel bad, I still think it was the right thing to do. _

_I heard a soft chap on my door, and I got up and softly walked over to it and stepped outside, into the corridor. _

_"Hi Cathy." I whispered to the babysitter. "Thanks for coming in early. It was just that taking an early shift meant I could be finished early, and then I could take the twins out for dinner. You don't mind dropping them off at the day-care centre." _

_"It's fine Amy. I understand wanting to be with your children on their birthday, besides I am getting paid more this morning. Since it's only six I'm assuming their not up yet?" _

_I shook my head. "Eric will probably be up soon, but you have to wake Summer up at half seven in order for her to be ready in time." _

_"Well goodbye." she said as she walked into the apartment. Forcing myself down the stairs before I had time to run back up, and just call in sick so I could spend time with the twins. I walked the short walk and opened the shop. It didn't open until seven, but I had to start making some of the breakfast food. I was actually a good cook now! Well at least a lot better than what I use to be. Half an hour later I heard a jangling sound coming from the door. _

_"I'm sorry, we're not opened yet." I called over my shoulder without looking around. _

_"Good morning Serena." came a voice that made me freeze. Oh please no! Not after all this time. "Or it's Amy now isn't it? I never thought you'd pick such a mundane name S. Or was that the point?" _

_I turned around and came face to face with Chuck. At least he was by himself, which made this that much bit easier. Maybe he doesn't talk to Nate any more! _

_"How... You... How..." I tried to get the words to come out in a coherent manner but that didn't seem to happen, I just kept stuttering. And I hated the fact I was showing how nervous I was. _

_"How did I find you?" he supplied the blank in. "Well you certainly never made it easy did you? I mean that place you live now? I would never picture you living there. And then there was the fact everyone was half expecting you to just show up at some point and act like nothing happened. Changing your name never helped matters either. But then Penelope was over here a few minutes ago, and swore that she seen you. No-one really believed her of course. But then I got my PI to look a little deeper. And then he finally got the job done. One that took him nearly five years mind you." _

_I had somehow ended up sitting on one of the white wooden seats, feeling faint all of a sudden. I felt like my whole life was beginning to crumble. How could I make him see, that me leaving was for the best. _

_"The other's?" I whispered feeling tears start to fall. _

_"Your mother and brother are at home. Eric decided to stay with your mother, we didn't want to worry Lily by finding the wrong person after we told her we had found her daughter. And Blair she is at the hotel, she wanted to come down here obviously, but I insisted I'd come down on my own first to see if it really was you, no need to get her more upset than she already is. She never really knew why her best friend just left her, when she needed her." _

_"You weren't exactly friends when I left." I said, my voice eventually coming back to me. Although opposed to cutting him like it was meant to, my comment just made him smirk more. _

_"You left nearly five years ago. Surely you didn't think everything would stay the same. And poor Blair needed someone to comfort her when her best friend abandoned her yet again. But I suppose you aren't really interested in us." _

_"Yes I am! Just because I left doesn't mean I stopped caring." I screamed back. _

_"But you miss understood, sis." he smirked again. "I merely meant that you would surely be more interested in Nathaniel." _

_I felt the colour drain from my face then, but I had to act like it never meant anything. "Why would I be more interested in Nate?" _

_"Because he was the entire reason you left." Chuck said sitting across from me, and this time I could see concern in his eyes. "Was it really better to completely re-invent yourself opposed just to just telling Nathaniel that you were pregnant?" _

_I couldn't keep it in any longer tears began pouring down my face. "No please! Don't tell him, you can't ruin his life like that! He deserves more than kids at his age. I've messed up, it's my cross to bear. I love my kids, but it's been hard and I can't put him through that!" I pleaded, before breaking off as the tears became to much and Chuck handed me a tissue, I was too busy trying to stop the tears I failed to hear the jingle signalling that the door had been opened behind me. _

_"Please, no matter what you can't tell Nate!" I pleaded, but was cut off with a voice from behind. _

_"Tell me what?" _

_I gulped as I turned around to find a confused looking Nate and Blair, I glanced back at Chuck but his look told me, neither of them knew about the twins. _

_"Tell me what Serena?" Nate asked in a firmer. But all I could do was sit in my seat and stare into space wondering what I was going to do now. _


	3. When a secret comes out

"Tell me what Serena?" Nate asked his voice getting angrier as he went on, trying to prompt me into telling him, the one thing I prayed he would never know. But the next thing to be said wasn't from me, or Nate in fact.

"Blair, I think we should go back to the hotel." Chuck said, making me divert me gaze to him, opposed to Nate, who I could feel was still looking at me.

"But I haven't spoken to Serena yet!" she exclaimed as Chuck placed her coat around her shoulders.

"There will be time for that later, you know where she is now. But for now, I think we need to let her talk to Nathaniel." He said while guiding her towards the door. "Now wait outside and I will be there in a moment."

"How is that fair? You've al..." that was as much of Blair's retort that I heard before the door shut over silencing the rest.

"Serena, it's a little late to lie now don't you think?" Chuck asked still leaning against the door to counteract Blair who was altering between trying to push it open and banging on it. "I think it's time everyone found out, how else are we meant to help?"

That was all he said before leaving, and walking an indigent Blair down the street, to the hotel where I presumed they were staying. I was somewhat stunned by how much he seemed to care at the end. Since when does Chuck "help" without Blair forcing him too? I guess I had missed a lot back home.

"Serena?" Nate asked in a calmer tone. "What is it Chuck thinks everyone should find out?"

"I... I... He... You..." I stuttered knowing that if I didn't tell him Chuck would, and that would be worse that what the situation that I was currently in.

"Serena?" he asked again sitting across from me. He leaned across the table and covered one of my hands with his. "Come on you can tell me anything. I will always be there for you, I have in the past haven't I?"

"Not this." I said pulling my hands back. "I just can't! I..."

"Was it because of me?" he asked suddenly.

"Was what?" I asked, terrified that he knew, and that he thought I left because he wouldn't be a good Dad. Because there was no doubt in my mind, that when Nate met someone else (even if it hurt me to think about) and they had children, that he would be an amazing father.

"If I say something, will you promise to not interrupt me to the end?"

I nodded, remembering how easy it was to feel safe and comfortable with Nate. Actually I hadn't felt this safe since I was with him last, and considering what I knew I had to tell him, that was something. But if I could hold off on him hating me just that little longer, then maybe that would help give me the strength.

"Do you know how I found that you had left? The day after you left, I had gone over to the Waldorf's to tell you that... that I loved you. I had this big speech prepared, it was basically going to say that I realised that there was only one person who had ever really had my heart. And I know that it was cheesy, still is. But I wanted to tell you that... That I realised there was only ever one person for me, and that was you. _Is_ you, and that I wanted to get back together. The times we spent together had to be some of the happiest days I've had, and even we were fighting, I never really doubted us. So I came to ask for another chance. But when I got there..." he trailed off as he seemingly re-composed himself as I could here his voice wobbling slightly.

"Well Blair was in a panic asking me if I had seen you, and some nonsense about finding a note saying you had left, and had no intention of coming back. And I just froze then, she was panicking and I just stood there in the middle of the room. I couldn't get my head around the fact that you had left again. You left after the Sheppard wedding, and I assumed you were doing the same thing again. Except the panic set in a little later. I knew I hadn't spoken to you for a few weeks, but I was trying to figure how to say that I loved you without scaring you away. But I felt did that anyway. So did I? Was it me that scared you away?" He was looking at me with so much sadness in his eyes, that I felt tears begin to sting my eyes.

"No! No that wasn't it! I... I had to go. I would have ruined everything if I had stayed! I couldn't stand the disappointed looks again! I've had enough to last me two lifetimes." I had stood up now and was pacing around the room, trying to dodge the tables as I went. Then remembering I had to turn off the oven, so I as walked around the Nate followed. After I stood up, when I had turned he oven off, he grabbed my shoulder's gently causing me to look at him.

"What was so bad you had run away? What was so bad you had to completely change your life? If you're in trouble, then we can help. But we need to know what's happening."

"It wasn't bad! It... It changed my life yes, but I don't regret it. They are the best things to ever happen to me! But I couldn't tell anyone, because I knew they would help, and that would ruin everyone's life. And why do you look so still?" I asked at the end noticing that he had paled, and his hands had fallen from my shoulder's, but given how far away he looked I doubt he even noticed.

"Nate? Are you OK?" I asked becoming worried now, as he seemed to be frozen. "I'll get you a glass of water."

I ran over to the sink and began pouring a glass of water when the sound of Nate's voice caused me to turn around.

"You said they are the best things to happen to you." he whispered.

Oh God no! Please don't say I did, I didn't mean to, how could I mess up with something so stupid! Please don't let him figure it out, now wasn't the right time. I couldn't accidently tell him he was a father. I had never exactly planned on telling him he was a father, but at the same time when I had imagined it this wasn't how it went. I wanted to tell him calmly and then show him the picture of the twins I always carried with me.

"No, I didn't." I tried to protest, but with the look on his face I knew that he was going to figure out the secret I had kept from him for so long.

"You said they are the best things to happen to you." he whispered again. "And you left about a month after... and Blair said she found a positive pregnancy test. She thought it was Dorota's, because she thought she might be having another baby. But..." his voice became louder as he went on. And at the end he turned to me, looking angrier than I had ever seen him. And all I could do was remind myself that I had to breath. We stood like that for what seemed like an age, but was probably closer to a couple of seconds. Until he decided to break the silence.

"Why did you leave?" he asked, his voice sounding deadly quiet. A tone I had heard growing up, when Mum found me after one of my wilder nights out. It had always meant trouble back then, and I hated her with that tone, now I wished that, having a wild night out, was why that tone was being used.

"Why did you leave?" he all but shouted and I nearly recoiled never really hearing Nate angry. "Serena answer me! It's a simple answer, why did you leave?" he was shouting now, and had grabbed my wrists to get me to look at him.

And before I thought about what I was doing, and before I could think rationally I replied with "Because I was pregnant!" I screamed back.

At that, he dropped his hands and seemed to revert back to his dream like state. Which I suppose is what I would have done in his shoes. I heard the dripping of the water from the tap I hadn't turned from. Like the time I found out I was pregnant the water had began falling to the ground. Looking back at Nate and seeing he was still in his own world. I panicked, I panicked and done the one thing I always one when I panicked. I ran. I ran from the cafe and down to the house, and it was only before I opened the door that I remembered that Chuck's PI might have found the address, hearing the silence inside I leaned against the door and sank down to the floor, crying as I sank down. And I sat there for a good five minutes just crying to myself, when I heard someone climb the stairs. Before I looked up, I glanced at the shoes and knew that my day was just about to get harder.

"I think we need to talk." came Nate's voice, as I tried to blink away reality.


	4. When you have no choice but the truth

"Serena, I think you at least owe me an explanation." Nate said still standing above me. He offered me his hand, which I took while shaking. Once he helped me up, he gestured to the door. I nodded mutely, before dropping me keys from my still shaking hands. He leaned down and picked them up, as I stood there watching him, wondering how he was the calmer one of the two.

"Which one is it?" he asked holding them out, as I numbly indicated which key would open the front door. He opened it and allowed me to step into the flat first, coming in after me. I walked into the living room, and sat down on the couch as he sat next to me. The twins were already at day-care, which would give us about four hours, before they came back. We sat in silence for a while, the slow ticking of the clock being the only thing proving that we hadn't gone deaf.

"Did you keep the baby?" he asked causing me to look at him.

"Yeah." I replied straight away. "I couldn't give my baby up. But... Well the thing is... It was twins."

"Twins?" he asked shocked.

I nodded. "A boy and a girl. I swear they're a miniature version of us."

I stood up walked over to the cabinet and picked up a picture. It was taken a couple of weeks ago when we went to a carnival that was in a nearby town. I walked back to the couch slowly, and handed Nate the photo. He looked at it seemingly amazed.

"They're both my kids." he whispered sounding almost proud. Which surprised me, he hadn't met them, and only just found out about them, but he called them "his". Although I knew he would always do the honourable thing. He smiled looking back at me, tears glistening in his eyes "She looks like you."

"And Eric looks like you." I smiled back.

"Eric?" he asked "You named him Eric?"

Right, I forgot I hadn't told him their names yet. "Yeah, well his full name is Eric Nathaniel and..."

"You named him after me?" he interjected.

"You half responsible for him being here." I laughed then paused, it wasn't fair of me to say that given he didn't know about Eric existed until he was four. Seeing the look of hurt flash across his face I decided to carry on quickly. "And that's Summer Lily."

"Summer was always our season." he smiled sadly.

"That's why I named her that." I replied sinking into my couch and cuddling into a pillow.

"When were they born?" he asked.

"Their four today." I replied. "We're meant to be going out for dinner later. It's an annual thing, I never wanted them to feel left behind like I did when I was younger."

"No, you just let them think their father wanted nothing to do with them." he scoffed the anger from earlier creeping back.

"It wasn't like that!" I replied.

"Then what was it like Serena? Because this is a pretty big thing not to tell someone. Did you think I wouldn't be there for you? Did you think I wouldn't make a good father? Because I would do anyth..."

I cut him off there. "And that was the point! You would do the honourable thing! You'd be there for me, and you would make an amazing dad! I know you're going to be an amazing dad one day. But... I couldn't let you give up everything. You had college, you were always going to end up doing something important, and everyone knew I was the screw-up, who could never get anything right. And I wasn't going to allow you to give everything up, just because I got pregnant."

He stood up then "Don't you think that should have been my choice? I think I should have got a say. Serena, we could have worked something out. We could have both finished college, and given the kids the best life they could have had. I mean look around you, we could have given them more in New York than here."

With that statement, the emotion of the day was too much again as I began shouting again. "I've given them everything they ever needed! They are properly fed, clothed, they have the toys they like, I make sure someone's here to look after them when I have to work to give them what they need. I worked hard to give them what they need! And sure they might not get everything they want, but they got the one thing I wanted when I was growing up. The knowledge that someone loves them."

"I wasn't calling you a bad mother." he sighed sitting down, resting his head in his hands. "I just... It's a little much to take in. I mean a week ago I was wondering you were, then I was getting on a plane to come and find you, part of me wanted to kill you for leaving again, then the other part wanted to tell you that I still loved you. Then when I get here, I find out that I'm a father. To not only one child, but two. It's a little hard to deal with in one go."

"I'm sorry. I know I have no right to be angry about it. I just thought that I was doing the right thing. I mean... There was so many times when I had picked up the phone to tell you. But I loved you, and I hated thinking of you with someone else, I even cried myself to sleep over it a couple of times... But the point I couldn't ruin your life like that."

"It wouldn't have ruin my life, but leaving may have ruined yours. Didn't you miss everyone? Your home? Everything you've ever known?"

"Of course I missed everyone. But I was scared, I was scared and I ran just like I always do. It's the only coping mechanism I have, and I know it's not sane, but it's what I do. And after a while it just became impossible to go back."

"But you can move back now. And everyone can meet Summer and Eric, and I can get to know them and..."

"Nate, I can't. I can't uproot them like that. Their used to life here, and they might panic if I make them completely their life. I have to stay here."

"So you won't give anyone a chance to help?" he said disappointment edging into his voice. And I wasn't sure if it was over what I had said or he was disappointed in me. But I sort of hoped it was the first one.

"I just can't do it to them." I replied softly. Then turned back to him. "But... If you want to get to know them... maybe... I mean... I wouldn't stop you seeing them."

"Stay here you mean?" he asked.

"Well not here, but there are plenty of places around."

"I'll start looking for one." he nodded his head.

"I don't expect you to, you know. You don't have to, I've been fine myself so..."

"I want to Serena." he cut me off with a shocking amount of authority in his voice.

"I... need to get back to the café." I said. "It's not fair on Gloria to just randomly shut down."

"I can pay the difference." he said.

I shook my head. "No you can't. Nate I need to do this. It's my way of looking after the twins and nothings going to get in the way of that."

I walked away and grabbed my keys and out of the door. Despite the fact that I knew he didn't want to he followed me out. When we got out into the street, I knew we were going to head in different directions.

"Bye." I said walking away before he got a chance to say anything else. When I paused. I turned around to find him still looking at me. Well at least I don't have to call after him. "Nate, are you doing anything later?"

"No." he replied.

"We're going to dinner at five, if you want to join us." I threw out casually despite the fact I wasn't anywhere near to being calm.

"I'd love to." he smiled.

"Well I'll see you later then." I smiled and walked away. Now all I had to do was pray I had the strength to get through the rest of the day.


	5. When you realise you made a mistake

I had been a mess ever since I had got back to the café. I had managed to drop six cups of coffee, two sandwiches, three deserts and I stopped counting after that. Gloria walked in just as I dropped the seventh cup of coffee.

"Oh come on!" I exclaimed not noticing her. I turned around and seen her looking at the mess on the floor. "I'll pay for everything, I swear."

"Honey, is everything OK? Are Summer and Eric alright?" she asked moving me, so that I ended up sitting at one of the tables. It was then I seen that the people who had ordered coffee had already left. I almost scoffed to myself, I wasn't running _that_ late.

"Amy?" Gloria prompted.

"I... The twins father came today." I whispered.

"Honey, you know I could have covered for you. That is a pretty big thing to go through. Did he finally decide he was ready to be a father."

Right, see this is what you get when your life becomes a lie, everything isn't what it's meant to be. But since Gloria would more than likely come and see the twins later today and my reason for lying was gone, I guess I should just tell her the truth.

"Actually, can you sit down, I've got something to tell you."

"Is everything alright? Is there a problem?" she asked as she sat down.

"No, everything's fine. Except I lied to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked leaning forward to place her hands on the table.

"I just... I was scared when I came here. I left my entire life behind, everything I'd ever known. When I found out I was pregnant... Well the twins father wasn't a random person like I said. Actually he's the best person I know. He was kind and sweet. I know he would have done the honourable thing and stood by me. But I couldn't let him sacrifice his future. If I made him help, then he would grow to resent me. And I couldn't stand to see that happen. So I left New York."

"Sweetheart you were young, it's not that big of a lie, well not to me anyway, it's not surprising you'd be scared."

"I wasn't finished. You see my step-brother , and one of my best friends I suppose... well the thing is he has a PI and I knew that if I kept my name he would find me. You see my best friend, doesn't like when people just leave without telling her. And Chuck, he's my step-brother, is best friends with Nate who is the twins father. I couldn't let Nate find out so I changed everything about me."

"What are you saying Amy?" Gloria asked thoroughly confused at this point.

"My name's Serena. Serena Van Der Woodsen, to be exact."

"But the documents you gave me said..."

"I know. I guess money can buy you most things."

"You don't have much money dear." she reminded me softly.

I smiled shyly back at her. "Me, personnaly right now, I don't have a lot no. But my family, well they are quite wealthy. So were most people where I grew up."

"Am... Serena? Is it? I think you've had a lot to take in today, maybe you should take the rest of the day off, and get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

The tone with which Gloria said that statement lead me to believe, that she thought I had gone a little insane upon seeing Nate. And that there was no way that someone can re-invent themselves so completely. I rolled my eyes and walked home, deciding if I had the rest of the day off I might as well catch up on some sleep.

* * *

I woke up an hour later to someone attempting to knock down my door. I groaned as I slipped into my sheer house coat and walked to the front door, half expecting my batty next door neighbour to be the one knocking, but I never thought I would open it to this.

Standing in front of me was Chuck, Blair and Nate, each laden down with gifts and decorations. I had to step aside to let Blair by as she seemed to be holding too much for her size. The other two followed in, as I let the door slam gently.

"Erm, not that it's not great to see you all, but why are you all here?"

"We could ask you the same question." Blair smiled, well her mouth but her eyes held her betrayal. It was kind of like the smile I got when she found out I slept with Nate the first time.

"Blair, play nice." Chuck replied, while Nate rolled his eyes at them and looked at me.

"Haven't changed." he shrugged "But you said to come over for dinner."

"Yeah at five. It's..." I paused to take a look at my watch "Two thirty. The kids won't be back up for another forty minutes. Cathy picks them up, since I'm not normally back by now."

"I could pick them up." Nate volunteered instantly.

I shook my head. "They don't know you. And I'd rather not promote going with strangers thing."

When I finished the statement I didn't fail to see the look of pain that flashed across his face. I looked pretending not to see it, as that way I didn't have to acknowledge it. When I looked up I seen Blair looking at me, a pained look in her eyes. I sighed and reached out my hand, once she took it, I lead her into my room. I sat down crossed-legged on the bed and waited for her to say something.

"You left." was all she said eventually, while looking at the pictures on my chest of drawers, so that she didn't have to face.

"I know." I replied, knowing she wasn't done.

"You left me again. You left without telling anyone. Do you know how worried I was? I thought..." she turned around then and I seen anger in her eyes coupled with disappointment and hurt. "I thought something horrible happened to you. Until I found that note. Did you really think that was going to make everything better? You had everyone panicking. We all loved you S, why couldn't you just tell us?"

She was sitting next to me on the bed now. She reached out so my hands were in her her's. It was almost like in that moment I was transported back to when I shared everything with Blair, so that's exactly what I did.

"Because I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't deal with everyone looking at me, like they I was going to mess up, and it was only a matter of when. I wasn't strong enough to tell Nate that I might have just ruined his life. I wasn't strong enough to share my secret with you, knowing you would convince me not to leave, which I felt I had to. I wasn't strong enough to tell Mum, because it would just be another mistake to her. I wasn't strong enough to tell Eric, because... Well he was the one person who always believed in me, and I didn't want to lose that."

"S, those are pretty big judgements to make. You don't know what we would have done." I just looked at her and she laughed "OK so maybe they might have been accurate. But you forgot about the fact that we loved you."

"I was scared that Mum would make me give them up. And I couldn't live with that."

"Well we're back now. And don't you ever think of doing that again. Because next time we might not be so forgiving."

I laughed. "B, can I ask you something?"

"You just did." she pointed out. "But ask another, if you must."

"Does Nate hate me?" I asked worried. At this she actually started to laugh, and not a little either. "Blair! I was serious! This isn't funny! I lied to him! And it was horrible and..."

"S, I don't think Nate has ever hated you, could ever hate you. You're probably the only person on the planet that he would give endless chances to. And I'm not going to lie, he was pretty messed up when he came back to the hotel. But no he doesn't hate you. Give it time, he'll come around."

"Thanks B." I said reaching over and hugging her. And it felt so familiar, that I almost started to cry. I pulled back and smiled back at her.

"Although I do have one more bone to pick with you." she said placing her hands on her hips.

"What?" I asked warily.

"Where was my recognition in your children's names? I think Summer Lily Blair has a certain ring to it."

"B, that's a horrible name!" I laughed. "But I am sorry for not crediting you. Would Summer Lily Crazy be any better."

She scoffed. "I am not crazy."

"If you say so." I sang as someone opened the door, causing the both of us to look up. Chuck was standing there looking bored. It really did amaze that he managed to seem nonchalant in almost every situation.

"Blair, perhaps you should go help Nathaniel set up the decorations, while I have a talk with Serena."

"Fine." she said, before throwing a smile back at me. "We were done anyway."

We both watched her walk away, well as much as we could before the door closed again. Chuck stood near the door using the wall as support.

"Nate informed me that you decided against returning to New York. Is this another one of your hide away from everything phases?"

"No." I answered, somewhat honestly, the thought of seeing everyone may have scared me a little but that wasn't why I was staying here. "It's not fair to change the twins lives so much."

"It's not like you never moved a lot."

"And looked how I turned out." I almost laughed. "The drugs, the alcohol, the poor grades... No I think I want them to have a more stable life than I had."

"And how does Nate fit into that plan? You know as well as I do sis, that he isn't going to let them go now."

"I know." I sighed sinking down into my pillows. "I... I'll have to figure something out."

"Good, because me and Blair had an interesting tine while you two were talking." he smirked.

"Ew, I didn't need to know that!" I scrunched up my face.

"Not like that sis... Well not all of it anyway." at his smirk I rolled my eyes. Then he continued. "We began talking about the time when it was me and Blair, and you and Nate. The four of split into pairs seemed to work better than when it was just the four of us. Each one of us can come up with some pretty damaging plans, but put all of us together... Well we're almost unstoppable."

"Has this story got a point?" I asked.

"The four of us, work best together. And as much as neither of you will admit right now, you two work better together than apart. And maybe to make the non-judging breakfast club function, we have to split into two half's first. After all me and Blair need your and Nate's ridiculous levels of optimism, just as much as you two need our cynicism. But more importantly, I don't think I have seen you happier than you were with Nate."

"Chuck..." I began, then paused realising I couldn't say anything to that. "Since when do you nice so well? Maybe you have changed"

"Oh I have some rewards from Blair to collect later." he said, as I hit him lightly on the chest.

"Now there's the Chuck I missed." I laughed.

* * *

As he was walking out of the door I swear I caught "I missed you too." Shaking my head I followed him out to find Blair, in true form, bossing Nate around telling him where each decoration should go. I grabbed the bag of balloons and began blowing them up, glad that they were all here. My own little dysfunctional family.

Blair and Chuck had left half an hour ago to changed, which I remind them wasn't necessary, they were four, not the queen. But they left anyway leaving me and Nate to decorate. Blair had given strict orders that half of the room should be dedicated to each child, which meant blue for Eric and pink for Summer. So we split up, I took the pink wall while Nate began hanging blue balloons up. We had pretty much avoided getting in the other's way, while decorating the world's most organised fourth birthday party, until one my balloons fell into his side.

"Sorry." I muttered, wandering over to pick it up. Before he threw one of his balloons over to my side while pointedly not looking at me, but I could see the side of his smile. Well two could play at this game. I grabbed up the packet of confetti Blair left and flung it over to his side.

"Ooops" I exaggerated by covering my mouth dramatically with my hands. "You messed up Blair's colour scheme! She's going to be angry with you."

"Oh really." he said turning around with some silly string in his hand. "I wonder what she'll think of this."

He then sprayed some of the string over me holding onto my waist so I couldn't run away. I eventually pulled away long enough to grab a brush with some paint on it. I smiled as I turned around.

"About as well as she'll take this." I laughed as I splashed some onto his T-shirt. He grabbed me again and tried to get the brush off me, but when he did, we both realised how we had ended up. Me lying on the floor, looking up into his eyes, while he leant over me.

"I should... I should get up." he muttered, as I nodded although neither of us made an attempt to move. While I wasn't sure about him, I was caught up in the moment, in the emotion I seen in his eyes.

But we were saved when Blair and Chuck came in, and we moved then, pretending not to notice their matching smirks.

"We can't let you two do anything can we?" Chuck broke the silence first looking around the room, that was now a mess.

"You messed up my pattern." Blair noticed, although she didn't sound angry more bemused.

"I..." I began the statement but was cut off when Cathy walked in with the twins.

"Sorry, I never realised you had company." she apologised. "These two wanted to come in."

"It's OK Cathy." I replied.

"Do you need me to stay and help?"

"It's OK, I think I got it covered but thanks." I said as she left. Turning around to my kids, they ran up and hugged me before noticing the other's. Eric tried to hide behind my legs, as I smiled down at him.

"Presents!" shrieked Summer, running up to them avidly searching for one's with her name on it. "Eric there's presents! Mummy there's lots of present."

She began to attack the pile, when I looked up at Nate. He stood there rooted to the spot looking at the two mini people in the room. He was looking at them, and I knew that he was thinking that they should know who he was. How important he was in their lives, as opposed to a stranger, needing to do something to get that look from his face I called Summer over.

"Summer come here a moment." I asked, after a lingering gaze was given to the presents she came over. I leant down to their level.

"Sum, Eric, these are Mummy's friends. Blair, Chuck and you da... this is Nate." I said unsure how to tell them that Nate was there father. Summer ran up to Blair and Chuck and hugged them. Then flung her arms around Nate's legs.

"Thanks for the presents, Mr Natie." she said not letting go.

Eric walked out from behind me then, and gave Nate a calculating look. "You look like a big me. Do you hate Brussels spouts too?"

It was then I looked at Nate, and couldn't help the smile that appeared on my face. Instead of looking shocked, anxious or panicked like I thought he would be upon meeting his four year old children. Instead his face was lit up and he was staring at them with nothing but amazement, wonder and pure love. I stood on the sidelines for a while as Summer made Blair play dress up with her, while Eric had Nate playing with his action figures. At one particular point, when Nate had Eric lying on the couch and was tickling him as Summer was putting her own personal fashion show for Blair and Chuck who were praising her, did it really sink in just what I had taken away from everyone in the room.


	6. When innocent words lead to more

Time seemed to pass quickly, until I realised that it was five in the afternoon. I knew if I didn't take them out for dinner now, they would be fussy and the rest of the night would be disturbed. So I cleared my throat stopping the other five people in the room, causing them to look at me. Nate, Chuck and Eric had been playing snap (Chuck who we had to persuade to let Eric win sometimes) while Blair and Summer were playing with her dolls.

"Summer, Eric have you decided where you want to go for your special birthday dinner?" I asked them.

"McDonalds!" they both said, well Summer's was more like a squeal but still. I seen Blair in the corner of my eye and seen her scrunch her nose up.

"Well you two go get your jacket, and we'll leave."

"Can Auntie Blair come with us?" Summer asked.

"If Blair, Chuck and Nate want to come they are more than welcome to. Now go get your jackets." I said as they ran towards their rooms. I turned around to the other's. "Auntie Blair?"

"Well we always said we were like sister's." she shrugged, and I could see the warmth in her eyes.

"Yeah, can you two go check on the twins please?" I asked looking over at Nate, while addressing the other two.

"There only getting there coats S." Blair said then noticed my look "Although they are young, Chuck come on."

As Blair dragged Chuck out of the room I walked over to Nate, and placed my hand on his shoulder's.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

"I'm doing OK. I just... they are amazing little people. Little people I helped make, it just seems baffling. You did a good job raising them." he said looking at me.

I smiled sadly at him, remorse over the fact he missed so many important moments because of me sinking in.

"I do have one question though." he said. "Why does Summer call me Natie? You were the only person who called me that. And that was only when we were younger."

"I... erm... Sum likes getting bedtime stories, but doesn't like the one's from books. She says their not special enough as everyone hears them. So I began making up my own stories, but I sort of... well... This is embarrassing. I sort of based them on our lives. It was my way of telling her about you, without actually ever mentioning you. And you always kind of where my prince."

Nate had opened his mouth to say something when the other's came back into the room. Summer had on a new coat that Blair had bought her earlier that was in the mass of presents, while Eric had on a blazer.

"Mummy, he tried to make me wear a suit." he complained coming over to me and pointing at Chuck accusingly. "I don't like them. You said I only had to wear them when we went to Marie's wedding."

"I'm sure he didn't make you sweetie. And besides you look very handsome, and you look very pretty Sum."

She beamed at me and ran over next to me to stand next to her brother as they both knew what happened now.

"OK so what are are rules for going outside?" I asked them.

"Hold your hand." Summer started.

"Don't run away." Eric supplied the next one.

"No hitting anyone. Even when they deserved it for hitting my brother!"

"No shouting!"

"No pushing."

"And always do what you say." Eric said finishing the list.

"Yep." I smiled at them. "So is everyone ready to go?"

Once I got five replys of yes I opened the door, and let them all out before I followed locking the door behind me.

* * *

"Mummy! Mummy! The clown scared Summer." Eric came running over to our table while Summer trailed behind with tears rolling down her cheeks. Blair, Chuck and Nate seemed stunned not quite sure what to do.

I picked my daughter up and let her snuggle in while Eric took the seat next to Nate. "He didn't mean to, he was making balloon animals, and then made burst right in front of Summer, then the noise scared her. And then she fell over the balls in the play pen. I couldn't stop her Mummy! I tried to help, but it didn't work."

At the end of it he was shaking his head his own tears starting to fall. This happened a lot, when one of them got hurt the other one would blame themselves and no matter what I did I couldn't seem to snap them out of that way of thinking.

"It's OK Eric." I said trying to get a hold of his hand while still comforting Summer. "Sum, can you tell Mummy what's wrong?"

"M... My arms." she muttered. Inspecting them I noticed that there was no major damage just a few cuts. I had learned from experience to not dwell on those, it just made them more panicked. But they did need to be cleaned and have a plaster put on them.

"Come on Sum, it's not that bad." I said placing her on the floor. "What do you say we get you cleaned up, and then you and Eric can have ice-cream?"

"Dairy milk." came her instant reply as she piped up a little.

"Are you three OK looking after Eric while I get Summer cleared up?"

"Of course S, I think even we can handle a four year old." Chuck rolled his eyes at me. I just shrugged and walked away with Summer. Sitting her on the counter of the bathroom I started to clean her cuts.

"I like Auntie Blair, Mr Chuck and Mr Natie. Are they your friends?" she asked while swinging her legs.

"Yes there my friends." I smiled at her. "I think Mr Natie, I mean Nate, is moving over here."

"What about Auntie Blair, she played fashion show with me and Eric never does. And Mr Chuck said I was the prettiest little girl he ever seen. And they bought presents."

"I don't think they can come. People need them where they live." I responded. And they did, what would people do without Blair and Chuck's craziness. Besides Blair was born to live in New York, I really can't picture her being anywhere else.

"Mummy are you OK?" Summer asked looking at me with her head tilted slightly. "You look funny."

Don't kids say the sweetest things? I laughed a little before answering her. "I'm fine, just remembering something. Come on that's you all done."

"Ice-cream!" she said as she jumped down as I held her hand. She ran back to the table, and grabbe Eric's hand.

"Mr Chuck, can you come get us ice-cream?" she asked while fluttering her eyelashes.

He smirked and looked at me. "She reminds me of someone."

"Haha funny. Here's the mon..." I started my purse out as he put his hand over mine to stall me.

"I've got it. It can be my first treat for my niece and nephew."

"Your first treat? And what was the stack of presents?"

"Blair's idea." he shrugged walking off. And I was genuinely surprised to see Chuck Bass be led to the counter by two hyper four year olds, and not look freaked out. I smiled turning to the other two who seemed to have lost their grins as the kids went away, and something told me that it wasn't just because the kids weren't there.

"What is it?" I asked sitting down.

"Eric just called." Nate supplied, after the two silently argued who was going to tell me. "He and your mother are coming out next week."

"Are you OK S?" Blair asked.

I nodded, despite not really being OK, but I was 99% sure she knew that anyone. "I guess when you all showed up, I knew I would have to face up to everyone else at some point."

"There's one more thing, I will be gone by then. Chuck has a meeting he can't miss, he's already pushed it back to come over, and if he pushes it back any further he'll lose the client. So you'll have to face Lily alone." Blair remarked putting her hand over mine.

"Th... That's fine." I replied my throat suddenly feeling dry.

"She won't be alone!" came Nate's voice, which was so loud it caused a couple to turn around, and for one older woman to tut. "I'll be here. And I'm not leaving not when I have my chi..."

I kicked his leg under the table when I seen Chuck come back with the kids, both of whom were now silently eating their ice-cream. I wasn't ready to tell them that yet. That's one good thing about them being young, it doesn't even register as weird that Nate looks like Eric.

Blair suddenly gave a dramatic yawn "I'm so tired. Chuck I think we should go back to the hotel."

"Yes I think that's a good idea." he said standing up before helping Blair up. She leaned down and whispered in my ear "Talk to him."

"Goodnight Summer, Eric, Serena, Nathaniel." he nodded curtly and then left holding the door for Blair. I looked around to see that Eric had paused in eating his cream and was looking at Nate with his shocked face.

"Is your name Nathaniel?"

"Yes, that's my full name, but I get called Nate." he replied.

"That's my middle name! Jeremy says the name's stupid, but I think Bradley's stupid." he moaned stabbing his ice-cream with his spoon.

I seen Summer's eyes droop for half a second and decided it was time to get them home.

"OK, I think we need to get you two back home, bathed and into bed." I said as they both groaned, and began pleading to stay up late as it was there birthday. "Do you want to come back with us?" I asked Nate who was already helping Eric into his jacket. He paused for a moment, looked up at me and just smiled. I then helped Summer into her coat, and we began walking back to the house, I had Eric's hand while Summer had Nate's. I smiled at the picture they made together.

* * *

"How can one little kid, splash so much water out of the bath?" Nate asked sitting next to me on the couch his T-shirt covered in water. I was tying Summer's hair back and smiled at him.

"I told you to wear something over it." I laughed when I had finished Summer's hair and she picked up her teddy bear, hugging it to her side she turned her blue eyes on me.

"Can I get a story?" she asked like every other night.

"Of course." I said then noticed her eyes twinkle. She turned to Nate then.

"Can you do Natie's voice?" she asked sweetly.

"No!" I replied quickly. "I mean he has to dry off sweetie and he doesn't know the story."

And before I could stop her. "Oh! We're at the bit where princess Celia is mad at prince Natie, since he hurt her dad. But Celia wants him to come and hug her, because she loves him. And he is the only one who can make her feel better. And she never loved anyone that much not even..."

"OK Sum." I cut her off wishing I hadn't let her say anything.

"But Mummy, I didn't even get to say that Celia want to marry prince Natie." she pouted.

"OK come on, I'll read you your story." I picked her up and all but ran to her room. I took my time telling her story until she finally fell asleep cuddling her teddy while her blonde hair fanned out across her pink sheets. I picked up her sheet and tucked her in, placing a soft kiss on her head. Putting on her night light, and turning the room light off I walked into Eric's room to find Nate already in there.

"Did you have a happy birthday?" Nate asked.

Eric nodded enthusiastically. "And I wished for..."

"Shhh!" Nate said "If you tell someone it won't come true."

Eric gasped and covered his mouths with his hands. "I'll keep it a secret then. But I really wanted someone to be here today."

"Who?" Nate asked.

"My Daddy. I love Mummy, but I want to meet my Daddy. Jeremy said that he must not love me if he doesn't want to see me." he said. And I felt tears sting my eyes, he had never told me that. I only seen a small bit of Nate's face but I could see the emotions in them.

"Listen mate, I'm sure that wherever your Daddy is, that he loves you very much. And I'm sure he thinks you're an amazing person."

I walked in then, not being able to hear anymore. Eric walked over to his bed and climbed in as I pulled the sheet up around him.

"Goodnight Eric."

"Love you Mummy." he whispered as he snuggled into his blanket.

"Love you too sweetie." I said and walked out Nate following me. We sat in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. Until I decided to break the silence.

"I never knew he felt like that." I said. "I always thought... I thought he was fine. I thought they were both OK. I thought... But even I wasn't OK when my father left. I messed everything up. I always do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I always thought when I found my father everything would be OK. And then I thought that when I had the twins. I mess everything up. I'm so sorry for not telling you." I finished this in tears as he came over and wrapped his arms around me, letting me cry into his chest, when I knew he should be the upset one.

"I'm sorry." I said pulling away wiping the tears from my face.

"Serena, no matter how much we want to, we can't dwell on the past. I'll be there from now, if you'll let me." he stopped and smile then. "Besides I was the only one who could make you feel better, right Celia?"

I gave a watery laugh as I tried to hit his chest, but I ended up just letting out a few more tears.

"Nate, do you think you can forgive me for not telling you? I don't think I could stand it if you hated me."

"I could never hate you." he whispered as he hugged me. Pulling back so I could look into his eyes, I seen how honest he was being. But what I wasn't expecting was for him to lean in and capture my lips with his own. I kissed him back before pulling away.

"No... No we can't. I need... Can you go?" I said walking as far away from as I could.

"Serena." He said softly walking over to me.

"No! Please just go." I whispered not being able to shout and wake up the twins. "Please go, I'll bring the twins to the hotel tomorrow, but I need you to just... leave."

He turned around and walked out wordlessly, leaving me to walk to my room, crawl into my bed and just cry until I fell asleep.


	7. When walking away isn't so easy

I woke up the next morning, and wished I could just go back to sleep. In my dream everything was simple. It was just me and the twins in the dream, and everything seemed nice and easy. I mean I guess apart from having the twins, I never let anything get hard. As soon as I had to choose or things got too much for me to handle, I just ran. It was comforting to me in a way, and to be honest this time it scared me that I couldn't run. And after last night... I had to fight every instinct in me not to just let Nate kiss me. Let everything become easy again. Let him help take care of twins.

But I couldn't! I couldn't do it to him, I never deserved someone as good as Nate, and I have never been with anyone since Nate. Whenever my friends asked I would say it was because of the twins, and don't get me wrong that was one of the major reasons, but I also could never let anyone else in after Nate. And that's why I was so glad that he was the twins father, I would always have a part of him with me. I smiled the day when I realised that Eric looked like him. Or anytime he does his confused look, the same one Nate has.

I shook my head. It wouldn't do me well to dwell on the reasons I loved Nate. I wasn't going to deny him access to the twins any more than I had. But I wasn't going to let him back into my life, I couldn't see him so much and not want to let my heart rule my head. So instead of running I done the one other thing I could think of.

"Hello?" came Blair's reply, as I held the phone to my ear.

"Morning." I said as she groaned.

"Are you aware it is half six in the morning. I like early mornings S, but this is pushing it a little."

"I know, I'm sorry it's so early, but I have to leave for work anyway, and I need to ask you a favour. Can you come to the cafe at twelve please, I have lunch then so it should be fine to take a break."

"Of course S. I'll tell Chuck and Nate, and we'll all..."

"No!" I cut her off sitting upright on my bed "You can't do that! I mean... What I meant was... Blair I need to talk to you. Just you."

"OK. S are you all right?" she asked sounding concerned. Leave it to Blair to still be able to tell if I'm panicking over a phone after five years, honestly is there anything she ever forgets?

"I'm fine. I'll talk to you later, I have to go now. Love you B."

"Love you too S." she replied before hanging up. Sighing I placed my phone on the nightstand as I swung my legs out of bed and started to get ready. Letting Cathy in and giving her the normal instructions, despite the fact she knew them, I closed the door gently behind me, so as to not wake the twins. Clutching my jacket to me, I walked down the stairs.

* * *

I had a relatively easy morning, there weren't many people who came in, and now I was sitting at one of the tables waiting for Blair to come in. When she did I almost laughed at how much her designer clothes stuck out compared to the overall tone of the café.

"S, you are aware you have enough money not to work here right?" she asked scrunching her nose up as she sat down.

"It's my way of giving the twins what they need." I shrugged "And you get used to it after a while. I never thought I would say that but the twins changed a lot of things."

She nodded "You seem more mature now. Although there have been glimpses of the more fun-natured side of you. Like having paint fights with Nate. What exactly did Chuck and I walk into yesterday?"

"A mess, and a mistake I nearly made. A mistake I almost made twice yesterday." I sighed. "And what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm not going to deny Nate the chance to get to know the twins, their amazing people. But I don't want to see him. Well it's not that I don't want to... I just... I can't help feel the same way I always felt about him. I never stopped loving him B. Not even during the thing with my Dad, with Dan... I loved him! And I still do, I never even realised how much until I seen how much Eric looked like Nate. And that night when Sum asked for a story I found myself telling her about me and Nate, and the story... it festered into what I wanted to happen. And one night... I was telling her about how the princess wanted to marry the prince, and I had the clearest vision. I was standing at an alter, you next to me holding Summer's hand. Nate across from me with Chuck and Eric standing behind him, and my family watching as we said "I do"."

I broke of then feeling a lump in my throat. "But I can't do that to him again B! The first I ran away to boarding school, which hurt him more than I thought, I didn't really understand until he tried to stop Jenny sleeping with Daemon. And then when I left with Tripp, with Carter, with Dan... every time I didn't mention something to him... I can't let myself hurt him again. I won't let myself."

"Serena!" Blair said gently falling back into best friend mode so easily "Nate always loved you, yes I'll admit at one point I hated that, but since I'm happy with Chuck now I have no problem admitting it. He spent so much time looking for you, he never gave up. When he got on the plane to come out here, he knew there was a chance it wouldn't be you. But S, he didn't care, he flew all the way over here just on the slight chance he would see you, doesn't that count for anything?"

"Blair, I done something terrible, something he should never forgive me for. Something I'll never forgive myself for. And no matter how much I thought it was best for him, and I still do... Blair you never seen the look of anger on his face when he found out about the twins. It was the maddest I had ever seen him. I don't mean Blair but I sabotage everything, it amazes me I done so well with the twins, but I don't recall sabotaging anything more than what I did with Nate. And that's not fair on him. Ruining my life is one thing, ruining his is something I'm not touching."

"S..." she sighed then "What do you need me to do."

"I will take the twins to see him later. And I will say goodbye, I just need you to bring them back. I mean I trust you, Sum loves you and Eric follows Summer around."

"They really are just like you and Nate." Blair remarked.

I just looked at her "When you go back to New York... I don't know I'll figure something out, I just know that I can't see him."

"I think you're making a mistake." she informed me.

"But you'll do me that small favour? Cause I could just ask Chuck." I said.

"Who's best friend is Nate? That one would work spectacularly for you." she rolled her eyes. "But yes, I will help you, even though..."

"Yes I know you don't like what I'm doing. But thank you for helping."

For the rest of the hour we spent talking about what Blair had been up to since I had left. She was every bit as successful as I had imagined. Establishing a career in her own right away from Chuck and she seemed happy. And I loved seeing the old spark in her eye, out of everyone I regretted leaving behind Blair was joint second with Eric, Nate being the only one I missed more than them. I sighed then trying to mentally prepare myself for what I had to do later.

* * *

Almost as if deciding to add to the situation, it had decided to rain as I made the short walk to the hotel with the twins. We had to run as I hadn't exactly planned for this. When we got to the lobby I seen Chuck waiting for us. Summer smiled and went to hug him, leaving a wet patch on his trousers, and I could see him trying not to grimace at it.

"We got wet!" she smiled. My daughter happened to love the rain, whereas Eric hated it, which was more than likely why he was standing next to me with his arms crossed and his mouth pouted slightly.

"Let's get you dried then. Blair has bought lots of new toys for you too play with. You too Eric." he called over, and Eric seemed to brighten up.

"Race you." he shouted to Summer, he went to run when I grabbed his head. "Sorry Mummy. We're not meant to run."

"Come on let's go up an see what they got you." I said as the twins each grabbed one of my hands and all but pulled me up the stairs in their haste to get to the toys.

"You really should stop buying them things. They don't need it all and..."

"I have the money." he cut me off "Besides there's four years to make up for. And you can't say no to Blair."

"Correction, you can't." I smirked.

"You know as well as I do, it is useless to argue with Blair, I just might get more benefits from agreeing."

I stuck my tongue out at him, considering I couldn't hit him, as the twins were occupying my hands. When we got to the suite Chuck opened it and the twins ran for the bundle of presents in the corner. Chuck went to find Blair and tell them that we were there, when I seen Nate being hugged by Summer, then shaking Eric's hand.

I walked up to him once I had collected myself enough and when I seen Blair was in the room. "I need to talk to you."

"Yeah." he whispered back leading me to his room, I left the door open a little so that I knew I couldn't get carried away.

"I have something to say, and I need you to not to talk until the end as otherwise, I won't be able to get it out properly, can you do that?"

He nodded sitting down on the edge of the bed as I stayed next to the door. Needing to keep as much distance as I could.

"I'm not going to take the twins away from you again, and I can't say how much it means to me that you already love them. I always knew you would be an amazing Dad. And I want them to get to know you, and at some point I want them to know who you are. They deserve a dad like you, and you deserve to know them. But... after last night... I can't be around you. So until they leave, Blair agreed to pick the kids up from mine and shuttle them to and from here. After that I guess I'll have to ask Cathy or Gloria. I just... I hurt you so much, I'm not going to do it again. I love you, so much. When I came back from Paris, I knew who I wanted, I knew who I wanted when I left. It was always you. And I don't know maybe it will always be you. Actually I know it will always be you, when I picture my forever you were always in it, and I can live with a fantasy happily ever after. But you deserve the real thing, and you deserve someone who doesn't fear relationships. Or gets scarred when someone says the "L" word as it means they will leave soon. So unless something happens to one of the twins, I just want to say goodbye, and I hope you are happy."

I turned to leave when his voice stopped me. "You're done now right?"

I nodded confused, as I turned back around. "Yeah. I don't think there's much more to say."

"Maybe not for you, but since I only agreed to not talk while you wear, I can speak now. And I have something to tell you. I love the twins and want to get to know them. But I have had you walk out on me a lot, and the one thing I do know is that it is horrible to just watch you go. Last time I tried to find comfort in Chuck's not so little black book, but this time... I grew up over the last five years, and what I did learn was that life without the one you love is dull. And it's a horrible thing to go through. And while I may deserve a happy ending, I can't have one without you. And this time I'm not just letting you walk away."

He walked out of the room then and I heard the twins call him name followed by the word story, but although I could hear the start of the book it was as if it was miles away and not just the next room. As all I could really hear was

"I'm not just letting you walk away."

Maybe this was going to be harder than I thought.


	8. When words drop accidental bombshells

I walked into work at twelve the next day, glad that Bryan had taken the morning shift, so I got a rare chance to sleep in late. And take the twins to school myself, which is something I always treasured when I got the chance. I walked into the small room at the bah and dumped my bag. When I walked out I almost walked into Bryan.

"Busy morning?" I asked giving how flustered he looked, and the café was full.

"You have no idea." he sighed. "Although I'm glad re-enforcements are here. How are my favourite pint-sized people? How was there birthday?"

"Eventful." I sighed. "I'll tell you about it at lunch on Friday. And you can tell me all about Darren."

"I look forward to it. By the way someone at table six has been waiting on you to come in."

"Really? No-one ever waits on one of us. Well better go see who they are, see you tomorrow."

"See you Amy." he called walking out. Oh yeah, I hadn't exactly informed him of my actual name had I? Oh well I'll add that bit on Friday too. Should be a fun lunch, and it will be a miracle if he's still talking to me at the end of it, although he has always had a flair for the dramatic, so maybe he would think it was another story for him to live out.

"Can I hel..." I started working my way to the table. "Oh you have got to be kidding me! Did you not listen yesterday?"

"Did you not?" Nate asked back.

"I said it first!" I replied. Childish? There was no doubt about it, but it was the first (and only) argument that came into my head. Actually come to think of it, I never even used that argument as a child, great now I'm regressing back to a child. Super.

"Are you channelling our kids?" he asked folding his arms over and looking amused.

"Yes actually. I know them a whole lot better than you." I shot back immediately regretting it. Why do I have to sabotage everything? Was it too much to ask for me to leave one thing in my life be good. "I'm sorry you don't deserve that. Can you leave please? I actually have some work to do."

"And let you run again?" he asked and while it was concealed I still heard the tone of panic in his voice.

"No, I promised that I wouldn't run again when I got here. Although when the three of you showed up I did give it a lot of consideration. But the fact still remains, I need to do my job, and I can't do that while you're occupying the table."

"I'm not leaving." he replied.

I sighed then and placed my hand to my head I went to place my hand on my head when someone shouted that wanted a refill for their coffee.

"In a minute." I replied before facing Nate again. "I get off at two, I only have to do a three hour shift today, so meet me here then, and we'll talk then. But I'm not changing my mind Nate."

"Neither am I." he said as he stood up. "And I know what you said, but I know what I seen the other day, and there was a spark. I love you, and you said you love me, and what better way to make sure the twins have the proper upbringing?"

I watched him walk out of the door all the while thinking his last line wasn't fair. He shouldn't be allowed to say things that tilt the balance in his favour, my current resolve was already on the verge of crumbling.

"I asked for more coffee." the man shouted again.

"I said in a minute!" I snapped back at him, as I began to clear Nate's table, before getting the man his stupid coffee. Great now I was in a mood, the next three hours will be fun."

* * *

As I left work I seen Nate walk up the street towards me. Wordlessly we began to walk back to my apartment, when we got there I let us in, and we both sat on the couch. Ten minutes passed before either of us spoke.

"You were the one who wanted to talk." I said. "So say whatever it is you need to say and then go."

"Serena we both love each other." he stated, yeah like I didn't know that.

"I'm not debating that Nate. I just... You deserve someone less flaky."

"I don't want someone less flaky!" he replied, then paused. "I didn't mean it like that. I want someone who brightens up my day just by being there. I want someone who already knows me,and doesn't judge. I want someone who happens to be the girl I always pictured forever with, even when I wasn't meant to."

I shook my head. "It's just been a confusing week for you, anyone would be confused."

"No! I'm not. I think you're just scared of letting something go right in your life."

"Can you blame me?" I asked. "Every time, anything seemed to be good in my life, I would ruin it. Or the person would leave. And... I just..."

"Think leaving is easier than being left?" he supplied. "Serena, you've got to know by now I'd never leave you."

I just shook my head at him "I'm going to get something to drink."

With that I all but ran to the kitchen and took out a bottle of water that was in the fridge. What would be the odds if I just stayed in here that Nate would leave? OK Serena, your not a teenager any more, so pull yourself together and just go back out there.

When I got back to the living room, Nate was still sitting on the couch. "We're never going to agree you know?"

"Never say never." he shrugged.

"Some cases call for it. Sure it took me a while to realise, but it's the Blair's of the world who get the fairy-tales, and I get the self-induced tragedies. When I found out I was pregnant... After it sank in, I was staying over here in a hotel, when I realised that if I had stayed... No-one would have been surprised. It would just be another mark on the ways I've messed up. Except I didn't, sure it wasn't how I pictured having kids, but they are just... The most amazing people I've met. I have no idea how our parents managed to leave us so much growing up that we all but raised each other. I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with them."

"And I do too. I want to get to know Summer and Eric, I am their father and I..."

I never found the end of that sentence as he was cut off.

"Mummy?" came Summer's nervous voice as she looked between me and Nate, How had I not noticed the door opening, I glanced up to see Cathy laving as Summer and Eric stood nervously by the door.

"Mummy, is Mr Natie our Daddy?" Summer asked.

Oh great! This was just what I needed right now, I glanced helplessly at Nate, but he looked more lost than what I did. Oh what I wouldn't give at that moment to have Blair's lying skills!


	9. When we learn the truth

"Mummy, is Mr Natie our Daddy?"

I panicked then, I shut down, and done all I could think about in that moment, remember how they came to be.

I heard the ding of the elevator, but failed to look up from my work. Well it was due in the say after tomorrow, besides it would only Blair coming back from her "walk" which I can only guess was her and Chuck doing activities I did not want to dwell on.

"Serena?" the voice I heard was choked up and not Blair's at all. Actually the last person I expected to see when I looked up was Nate.

"Nate?" I asked worried, he looked upset, or as upset as he ever allowed himself to look in public, and it seemed foreign to me. He was always my rock, the one that helped mend the pieces when they broke, not be the one who is broken.

"Is...Is... Blair here?" he chocked out. "I need... someone to talk to... can't find Chuck."

Well that confirms my Chuck/Blair theory. But I couldn't spend any time on that not when Nate needed my help.

"She's out, but I'm here."

He shook his head. "Too weird to talk to you."

"Nate, whatever's happened I still see you as a friend, and I really want to help. And I'm sure you won't want to seek out Chuck and Blair right now. So please, tell me what's wrong."

"Juliet broke up with me." he muttered after a couple of minutes.

"Oh Natie." I whispered.

"I know your not upset, you hated her."

I looked towards the floor at that, but then looked at him again. "It doesn't matter, what does matter is that I like you, and your hurt. So what do you say I cheer you up the way you cheered me up during the whole Tripp situation."

It was only after I seen him flinch, that I realised that maybe that wasn't the best subject to bring up. I looked around desperately trying to find something to change the subject.

"Hey, look wine!" I said upon finding a bottle on one of the tables, thanking whoever left it there I went to get two glasses, and came back to find Nate with his head hung sitting on the couch. "Generous helping?"

"About ten thanks." he looked up and sort of smiled.

I poured his glass, and handed it to him, before pouring my own and sitting down next to him. We sat in silence for a while each of us trying to avoid talking.

"OK." Nate said eventually while pouring his third glass, as I noticed the glass was nearly empty, well we really taking generous helpings. "You have to tell me why your here all by yourself, don't you normally have date's, and not a study kind."

"What can I say?" I shrugged laughing "I lead an exciting life!"

"But seriously? Come on, you know my reason for being here, drowning my sorrows, what are yours?"

"Who says I'm drowning my sorrows? I could just want to get a little merry."

"Yes, and someone else might buy that, but I know you. So out with it S, I demand that I'm not the only sad one here!"

"Oh, you demand! Well I must tell then." I laughed then my smile slid. "I pulled a Serena. I managed to fall for a guy I shouldn't, again! A lecture this time! Well a guest one but still... It's almost like I always pick people that I can't be with. There was Carter, Dan, Tripp, Colin, you and so many other's. And I don't know what's wrong with me!"

"What's wrong with me?" he asked sounding offended, and I tried to wrack my brain to think of why but noting came.

"I never said anything was wrong with you." I replied.

"You said you pick people you can't be with, and I know what's wrong with the other's, and as much as I like Dan, the guy's your brother! But what's wrong with me?"

What was I meant to say, that he was better than me? Which is what the truth was, so I said the half-truth instead "I meant our first time, I mean you were with Blair."

"Oh right." he said, and we lapsed into silence again.

"Well we seem to have run out of wine, let me go get some more!" I replied and all but ran to the kitchen, picking up the first bottle of alcohol I found (a bottle of champagne) I turned around and bumped into Nate.

"You were taking too long." he moaned as he pulled the bottle open, and we watched it explode.

"I swear that never happens to me unless your there." he laughed then he stopped and looked at me with so much emotion in his eyes.

"Do you ever miss us?" his voice was so soft, and fragile I didn't even have to think about my answer.

"All the time." I replied.

"But you left! You left me again!"

"I know! But I had to, I thought finding my dad would fix me, but the truth is I was most like my real self with you. And when I came back from Paris, I knew who I wanted, I knew before I left."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because... you didn't want me. But then no-one ever does. I'm the kind of girl guys like to have fun with, but it's the Blair's that get the real relationships."

"We had a real relationship." he remarked in a voice that left no room for argument. "I loved you."

"I loved you too." I replied, then like normal I decided the topic was too serious so changed it. "I need another drink!"

But as I leaned forward to grab the bottle from Nate I stumbled and pulled him down with me, so that we landed with him landing on top of me. And I'm still not sure whether he leaned down, or I leaned up, or a mix of both all I knew was that our lips met, and it was like that in that instant I knew that everything would be fine. I felt his hand slide up my side, then he paused.

"I'll stop if you want me too?"

And I knew he meant that, because he was always a gentleman, and showed me that chivalry was in deed not dead. I shook my head and lifted my head to meet his again, and we resumed our activities.

"Upstairs?" he whispered, as I nodded as he lifted me up the stairs as he placed me on the bed he whispered;

"I love you Serena."

"I love you too Nate."

* * *

I woke up feeling happy the next morning, for some unknown reason. But as I tried to get up I felt something around my waist. I turned on my side and looked over my shoulder, and seen Nate.

Oh no! Please say we didn't! But even as the thought ran through my head, I knew what the answer was. Felling me stir made him wake up.

"Morning." he grumbled in his 'I just woke up voice'

"You have to go!" I said getting out of bed and flinging on my clothes from last night as I tossed his at him. "Quick, before Blair realises!"

"Why the rush?" he asked. "It's not like she doesn't know that we have done it before."

"Because we're not meant to be like Chuck and Blair, we're not meant to do this to each other, we're meant to be friends and..."

"Serena, we said that we lo..."

"I was drunk." I rushed out, knowing that the reason I was drunk may have been what lowered my walls, but I never lied when drunk, actually it's the only time that I told the truth growing up.

"OK." he whispered. "I'll give you the time you need. But just remember I'm here when you decide, I've always been here."

As I watched him leave, I felt my heart sink a little. But Nate was just rebounding right now, and he would hate me if I took advantage of that. But I did need something to cheer me up now, let me pretend last night never happened and what better way than shopping with your best friend?

* * *

"Serena?" Nate asked pulling me back to the present. And I looked into his eyes, and got nearly got lost in them before shaking my head, and leaning down to my children, well I knew Nate wanted this, and they deserved to know, so it didn't matter that I wasn't ready, this was never going to be about me.

"Summer, Eric, meet you father." I said gesturing to Nate. Taking it like the fairytale believing four year old she was Summer ran and hugged Nate.

"My daddy was there on my birthday." Eric said tears in his eyes as Nate held out his free arm, and Eric knew what it meant and hugged Nate. The three of them sat on the floor in a hug that seemed it would never end, and to see my family like this, despite knowing it couldn't stay like that, well I never wanted that moment to end.


	10. When love beats everything else

The next few days passed by relatively quickly, and my plan to spend as little with Nate as possible, flew out of the window when the twins new aspiration was to spend every waking moment with him. Not that I could blame them, I wanted to spend as much time with my Dad when I found him again, and I was a lot older then them. Although today, with the twins at school, I had to go myself. I was going to say goodbye to Blair and Chuck who were going back to New York today.

When I got to the hotel I walked straight to there room, having learned the route of by heart. I chapped their door, and opened it walking into the small living room.

"Hello?" I called out seeing no-one there. I was debating turning around and just going home, when I heard a door creak open.

"Serena!" Blair said as she came up and hugged me, and as I hugged her back I'm pretty sure that neither of us wanted to let go. I always knew I had missed Blair, but I never realised how unwilling I was to let her leave until now. Ironic right? I was always the one running away, now apart of me was angry at her wanting to go back to her home. And I would have to miss her all over again.

"You promise to call this time?" Blair chocked as she pulled back.

"All the time." I replied "And I promise to send pictures over to you of the twins."

"And you're not going to disappear on me again?"

"Hey Nate's staying right? And... oh god! Mum and Eric's coming tomorrow. Blair are you positive you can't stay for that?"

"Hey, since when have you been afraid of standing up to Lily?" she laughed back pushing a strand of hair from my face.

"I'm more worried about seeing Eric." I replied. "I let him down again, I left."

"S, he loves you. Eric was always the one to forgive everyone, especially you."

I nodded, feeling the tears slip from my eyes. "I'll miss you!"

"I'll miss you too." she leaned over as she hugged me, and when we pulled back we both composed ourselves as we heard the door open again, and in walked Nate and Chuck.

"Are you two OK?" Nate asked seeing our tear stained faces.

"We're good." Blair nodded.

"We leave in an hour Blair, are you ready?" Chuck asked.

"I've got to pack some more things." she said gesturing towards her room. I nodded as she walked away, Chuck whispered something inaudible to Nate, who nodded and went after Blair. Chuck then came and sat next to me.

"Should I be worried that you made everyone else leave?" I laughed.

"Your not doing either of you a favour." he said, delivering the sentence in the way only Chuck can, making something important sound just like discussing the weather.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Are we really going to play that game? Serena, anyone can tell you love Nathaniel. And he's never made it a secret that he carries a torch for you. And you have children together."

"That's your biog statement? All of our parents had children, and there not the poster pictures for head over heels in love."

"But you two always were."

"You and Blair dated longer."

"You and Nate loved each other longer."

"You and Blair work together."

"You and Nate make each other happy."

"You and Blair always find your way back to each other."

"You and Nate done the same, and never stopped loving each other. S, your not weak, and I know you were never one for serious relationships, but you and Nate were good for each other. He was good to you, he always treated you the best. He never dated anyone after you left, he tried once, and all he did was get drunk and talk about you the whole night, I don't blame the girl for leaving him. But he couldn't take you leaving him again. Give him the chance of happiness he deserves, give my niece and nephew the chance they deserve to be happy and have their family together. Give you the chance to be happy, and you know as well as I do, that Nate made you the happiest."

"Something's wrong when Chuck Bass seems wiser than you." I laughed back trying to lighten the mood.

He just shrugged and walked away to help Blair but before he opened the door to their room he said "Tell him you feel, he'd wait forever for you, but it's cruel to make him do that."

So I was left there sitting on a couch trying to process what Chuck had said. And he was right, an that scared me. But when I was faced with situations where doing the right thing would be hard, I ran. I never had much experience actually facing the problem, but I would this time. The three of them came out in a couple of minutes, Nate and Chuck both pulling suitcases behind them.

"We're going S." Blair said. "You'll come visit for Christmas?"

"Sure." I smiled. "I'll see you then."

I walked up to her and hugged her. Both of us wordlessly saying that we loved having the other back. Blair was my sister in every way but blood, and I loved having that back. Even if we were going to be in two completely separate pieces, we still had that relationship back.

"Don't let him go S." she whispered into my ear before pulling back, before going to hug Nate.

"Sis." Chuck nodded his head at me. "It was nice seeing you again. Listen to my words, and I'm sure Blair said something."

"I'll miss you too." I smiled back as Blair finally joined him again, even if was actually seconds it felt like hours.

After another round of quick goodbye's they left, leaving me and Nate in the room ourselves. Well I guess talking to him was a way to go.

"How were the twins this morning?" he asked.

"They were fine. Excited to see you later, sad Chuck and Blair were leaving. I really am thankful that you're getting to know them. They already love you, and I can see how much you love them. I'm so sorry for not telling you. I know I messed up now, but I really thought I was doing the right thing for you."

"I know you're sorry, but Serena we can't change the past, no matter how much we wish we could."

OK so here came the part I had to say. And this time I was pushing through with it and not chickening it out. "Nate, there are a lot of things in my past that I want to change. But there are some things I know for certain I wouldn't change. Meeting Blair, because as much as we had our up and downs, she is quite simply the best friend I ever had, even when I wasn't that great a friend to her. I wouldn't change having the twins, because they are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love them more than I ever thought possible."

I took a breath then. "But there's one more thing I wouldn't change. And that was the time I spent with you. I had never felt so happy, so comfortable or felt that I could be so open in a relationship. You never expect anything from me, other than to be me. Good and bad included."

"I wouldn't change anything either." he muttered resting one of his hands over mine.

"Nate... I'm not ready to be half a couple again. I realised that, I need to work on me, before I could work in a couple, but... Nate... when I'm ready... if you can wait that little bit longer... I could never see anyone as the other half of the couple."

"Serena..." he whispered. "I love you. And if you can go from swearing you never want to see me ever again to saying that... I don't think I'll have to wait much longer. But what change your mind?"

"I heard some wise words."

"Chuck or Blair?"

"Both." I laughed. "Why did it have to be one of them?"

"Because S, we were the only people you ever listened to." he laughed back.

"OK, so this might not be the best time to ask, but can you do me a favour?"

"What is it?" he asked.

"Come over tomorrow. I can't do it on my own, I need you."

"I'll be there." he smiled back, and then without thinking I leaned and hugged him with all my might, but when I pulled back I leaned forward again and pressed my lips softly to him.

"Serena." he whispered.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." I pulled back. "I'm just not ready yet. It's not fair you to you."

"I think you are ready." he said "I just think you need the time to realise that. But I'll give you the time. I'll see you later when I drop the twins off, and tomorrow when you see your family. Just know I will always love you Serena, that was the only constant in my life, and will always be one of my future constants."

He gave me a soft kiss to the head as he headed towards his room. Smiling sadly I turned around, but as I walked out I realised something. He was one of my only constants too, and even if we never had the children I would always want him to be part of my future.

But I never had time for that. I had to prepare for tomorrow, and I'm not sure how I could do that.


	11. When I'll always be there for you

I hadn't been able to sleep last night, instead I had spent the night trying to make the apartment look as good as possible. But it was all in vain, no matter what I did, it wouldn't be good enough, and that was before I had to tell my family about my children. How to tell my children that they were meeting their grandmother and uncle. I leaned against the couch and sighed as I heard the sound of little footsteps approaching.

"Mummy, I don't like the clothes you picked." Eric pouted while pulling at his shirt. Giving the fact Mom was already going to disapprove enough I had to have everyone dressed up, I had on a white dress that fell down to my knees and fanned out at the bottom, I had put Summer into a light blue dress and tied her hair up with matching ribbon, while Eric was wearing a shirt and black trousers.

"I know sweetie." I replied "But you're meeting someone important today, and don't you want to look nice?"

"I don't like these clothes, they're not comfy." It was then he began to try and unbutton the shirt, but he just got frustrated because his little fingers couldn't work with the buttons.

"No, sweetie don't do that!" I pleaded. "If you're good, I'll take you out for cake later."

"No! I really hate this. Mummy please don't make me wear it!"

While trying to calm Eric down Summer walked in, and looked at us, and deciding to add to the problem:

"Mummy, I want to wear my new dress Auntie Blair bought me, it has pretty flowers on it."

"Sweetheart you look lovely in the dress you have on. An Eric you look so smart, please just wear them for mummy today?"

"I don't want to!" Eric huffed sitting down on the floor. I sighed, he wasn't normally like this, but when he got into that mood, it was impossible to get him out of. The door was chapped then, glancing at the clock I realised it was too early to be my family, so I sent Summer over, while trying to get Eric to stand up.

"Mr Natie!" I heard her exclaim "I mean Daddy. Can I call you Daddy? I'll call you Daddy." she nodded not bothering waiting for Nate's answer, even if I knew that it would have been yes. "Mummy's being mean and not letting us wear what we want! Hey you're our Daddy! You can make Mummy let us wear what we want!"

She clapped her hands at the end, proud of herself for thinking of it. However her smile fell when Nate laughed.

"Summer, I have never been able to make your mother do anything."

"But you're our Daddy!" she said this a little louder which alerted Eric, who flew to Nate's side.

"Mummy's being mean!" he pouted.

"I think your Mummy made you look very handsome, have you and your sister had breakfast yet?"

They both shook there so Nate continued on "Well I brought pancakes, with your favourite toppings."

Nate led them out to the kitchen, where the dining table was, and I sunk against the couch again, although it never took long for Nate to come sit next to me.

"They already like you better." I tried to laugh, but realised I just didn't have the energy.

Ignoring my statement he placed his hand under my chin and made me look at him. "How are you?"

I shook my head. "I have no idea. I've been so focused on making sure everything was perfect, but I guess I just didn't want the time to think about what was happening. How can I convince then, that I am not the worst mother, when I can't even get my children dressed properly."

He brushed away some of me tears "You are a great mother. And I may be biased, but you raised two amazing children. And it doesn't sound like they have to wear formal wear a lot, Eric probably doesn't understand why he has to dress up. And Summer probably assumes she's playing dress up. If it makes you feel any better, I won't leave your side, until you feel ready to be alone with them."

"You'd stay here forever?" I laughed.

"If that's what it took." he said without missing a heartbeat. I smiled, at his honesty.

"I would too." I replied. "If you needed something, I'd be there."

"MUMMY!" I heard Eric call.

"I better go see what he needs." I stood up and began walking away, then noticed him sitting down. "Hey what happened to not leaving my side?"

"I thought you'd want to handle it yourself, I didn't know if you'd want the help."

"They're your kids too, and if we don't hurry, they're going to shout again, but louder." I held out my hand as he slipped his hand into mine, I helped him up, and we walked into the kitchen together.

"What was wrong?" I asked them.

"I need a drink Mummy, and you said we shouldn't take one without asking."

I smiled at him, and took a carton of juice from the fridge for each of them, but when I turned around I seen Nate sitting next to Summer.

"Mummy likes yellow flowers."

"What?" Nate replied, clearly as confused by the statement as I was.

"Well your our Daddy, and Mummy's our Mummy, and Cathy said her daddy buys her mummy flowers, so you have to know what one's mummy like, because getting presents you don't like isn't fun."

"Well I'll be sure to remember that." Nate smiled, as I walked back over and gave the two of them their juice. Once they were occupied eating their breakfast he turned to me.

"Did you hear that? Apparently I'm obliged to buy you flowers."

"We really shouldn't encourage that, they'll start having happy family fantasies, especially Summer, and Eric loves having another male around."

"And what's so wrong with happy families?" he asked.

"I have never known a proper happy family, so I don't really believe in them."

"But you said..." I cut him off before he repeated the love word.

"I know, and I do, but I need time. You know how messed up my family is, me and Erik..."

"What Mummy?" my son asked upon hearing his name.

"Nothing sweetie." I waited until he resumed his conversation with Summer before continuing. "We spent more time at your or Blair's house, than we did at ours. And you know about our father..."

And there it was, the catalyst that started this whole mess. My need to find my father, my inability to believe the worst of him, was the reason I believed the worst of the people who only wanted to help. So how can I possibly blame them, for wanting their family to be together?

* * *

Nate's breakfast had taken the kids mind of having to dress up, so as they quietly watched the TV, I heard the door get chapped again. This time I knew it had to be them, I looked at the door for a couple of seconds.

"You can do it." Nate whispered squeezing my hand.

"Can you take the kids to their rooms, I need to tell them first, I need to tell them about the twins, not have them just see them."

He nodded, and took the twins to their room, with the promise to put on their favourite DVD. Taking a deep breath in, I walked over to the door and opened it. Seeing Erik in front of me, looking like a grown up, and Mom looking older than ever, I was honestly shocked.

"Serena." Mom said which caused me to step aside and let them in. As I knew she would Mom scanned the room, and turned back the familiar disappointment shinning in her eyes.

"This is why you left?" she asked.

"No!" I replied quickly but not too loudly I didn't want to make the children shout to ask if I was OK. "I have a lot to tell you, but I really need you to sit down."

Mom sat down on the couch crossing her legs over, in her normal stance for when she was waiting for me to explain why I had done something wrong.

"Erik?" I asked "Don't you want to sit down?"

"It's just a little odd." he responded his voice wavering slightly. "I never thought that I would go this long without talking to you. I never thought... I was used to people leaving, I just never thought you would be one. Not again."

"I know, but please sit down so I can explain."

He sat softly next to mom, and looked up at me, and I seen the glimmer of hope in his eyes. I smiled slightly, and then walked over and lifted up the photo of the twins that I had first showed Nate. I walked back over and sat on the seat across from them.

"When I left... I wasn't just leaving for me, I felt I had to. But... if it was just me, I would have came back, but it wasn't just me... There's really no easy way to say this but... I was pregnant. With twins."

I handed them the photo then, and seen Erik shakily take it, considering mom looked like she had turned to stone, she was so stiff. They both looked at and didn't seem to know what to do next, so I had to continue.

"They're called Summer and Eric. They were four last week."

"The fat... fath..." Mom stumbled.

"Nate." I supplied filling in what I knew she wanted. "But he never knew, no-one did, until a week ago anyway."

"You brought you're children up here." Mom's voice held such a level of disdain, I felt the tiniest bit of anger at it, even if I knew what was coming. "Instead of what we could have helped with and..."

"Mom they have everything they need! I am sick of everyone thinking I was horrible to them for not bringing them up the way I was. Do they have everything they want? No. But they have everything they need, and I have never left them once and..."

"She never meant that." Eric whispered.

"Yes she did!" I shouted back.

"I made sure you two were always taken care of." Mom shouted back.

"What? When you..." I was cut off by a noise behind me.

"Mummy." Eric's voice was soft, and as I turned around, I seen he looked slightly panicked. "I heard arguing."

Nate and Summer came running behind him then. Summer thinking it was a game and came laughing in, while Nate picked Eric up and let him cuddle into him, Eric ended up placing his head at Nate's shoulder and had a death grip on him.

"Who are they Mommy?" Summer asked coming next to me, and pointing at Mom and Erik.

"Erm..." I started but was cut off again.

"Serena." Mom said "We are staying at the hotel down the street. We are having dinner at seven, if you care to join us and discuss things further, but we must leave now."

I nodded slightly as she left leaving Erik behind. "They're lovely. But I need to..." he trailed off at the end. Erik, somewhat like my Eric, hated being in the middle of things when people were arguing, so it was really unfortunate for him to have to grow up with me and Mom.

"Bye." I said softly as he left.

"Mummy, who were they?" Summer whined, pulling my hand trying to get my attention. But I was saved from answering.

"Hey Sum, don't you want to finish watching the film with Eric?" Nate asked.

"Yay!" she replied, everything forgotten, Nate carried Eric in while Summer walked behind him. After five minutes he came back into the room, but I hadn't moved since he left.

"How are you?" he asked softly.

"I don't know." I replied. "It was harder than I thought. And I've gotten the easier week than anyone else."

"That doesn't mean it was easy." he replied softly "Plus you must have had a hard five years."

"She's right though, so were you. I could have given them so much more, if I wasn't so selfish and.."

"You were young, and scared."

I shook my head, tears beginning to fall again. "I was so stupid. I left the only people who ever really loved me."

"We still love you. S, we never could stop. I know Lily and Erik missed you, as for us, well it was always the four of us against everyone, and their was definitely something missing without you. Hey come here."

He pulled me over so my head was resting on his shoulder, as he placed a soft kiss to my head.

"Can you come to dinner later? I'll get Cathy to watch the twins."

"Like I said, I'll always be there." he whispered back.


	12. When we realise love is inevitable

I walked out of the flat at half past six, and promptly walked into Nate. After he steadied me, I looked at him confused.

"I thought you were coming to dinner with me?"

"I am." he replied.

"But you're here."

"I came to walk you there."

I laughed slightly at that "You came from the hotel, to walk me back to the hotel? You know you didn't have to do that right, I'm pretty sure that I know the way to your room by now."

"And I didn't want you worrying more than you have to. And on the hotel front, I have a favor to ask you?" The last part was said somewhat shyly and as much as I fought it, it had me intrigued, what would make him act so shyly, it's not exactly like we're strangers, and the two hyper four years behind the door were proof of that.

"What is it?"

"I found some houses that I am going to look at. And I was wondering if you would come with me?"

"Of course I will, but I'm sure you'll be able to pick one you like without me."

"But I want the twins to have their own room, and that means making sure you feel that they would be safe there."

At the scared look on his face then, I couldn't help but laugh. But then I noticed anger slightly creeping into his face and tried to compose myself, and once I was composed enough I held onto his hand so he would face me, and I tried the fleet of butterflies that entered my stomach when I touched his hand.

"Nate, I don't care what house you buy, I'm sure it'll be fine, but you have to know that I trust the twins with you. Nate... There were few people I could count on growing up, but you were always one of them, and that never changed. I know that they'll be safe, because they'll be with you."

After I said this, neither of us spoke, instead we stood there looking into each other's eyes, I could see everything in his eyes, and I was almost positive he could see my feelings in mine. Not that he really needed too, he could always pick up on what was wrong with me, even if he never knew what he knew when I was hiding something, when I was upset and he always seemed to be able to heal it. The only person who could do that was Blair. I had to pull back and shake my head to get rid of my thoughts.

"We should go. The sooner it starts, the sooner it ends." I shrugged.

"You don't have to pretend with me, I know how you must be feeling." he replied.

"She didn't even look at them."

"Who didn't look at who?"

"My mom, she never looked at the twins. The single best thing I have ever done in my life, and she can't even look at them. They're her grandchildren, and she couldn't care less."

"Maybe she was just in shock?" he suggested. "She had just found out she was a grandmother."

"I want to believe it, but I'd be surprise if it's true. I'm scared Nate."

"Well that's reasonable, I mean..."

"No, not about dinner, well I am but... I'm scared that she'll do what she always does and try to fix things by flinging money at it. And I'm scared I'll take it, take the easy way out like normal."

"No you won't."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because I know you. And you've refused my help with money enough since I've been here."

"I can't expect you to do that, you've only known them a short amount of time. And I know you love them already and they love you but... I don't want to take your money just because you think your obliged to help, because I can it well enough on my own."

"I know you can, but I want to be there for them. I want to help them in any way I can. I want to be there for you as well, I just need you to let me."

I was incredibly glad that we were at the hotel now, as I was saved from answering him. Because, I couldn't even process the information myself. He wants to be there, wasn't that what I always wanted? For someone to want to be there for me? So why was it that I couldn't let him? Why was my first thought that he must want something back? Even if I knew all he wanted was for me to let him in. The way I never had before. When things got bad I retreated into myself, until it got too much that I had to share it with someone. And it was normally him. Take the mess with Tripp, I had left him, after he asked me to give him a chance, and yet he still answered my calls, he still came to get me, he still stayed at the hospital all night...

"Serena? Are you OK?" he asked sounding worried.

"Yes, I'm fine, just... caught up in my own little world. Shall we go in?"

He nodded and held the door open for me, I smiled slightly at him before walking in. I turned around to him once we were instead and threw my arms around his neck. He was surprised at first, but then he put his arms around my waist.

"Thank you for doing this for me. Thank you for always being there, even when I didn't deserve it. You are amazing." I whispered into his ear, before pulling back.

I began walking towards the dining room, not failing to notice that it took Nate a couple of seconds to snap back to reality and follow me.

"Do you think they're here already?" he asked.

"I don't know." I whispered back, as the waiter came up.

"Do you have a reservation?"

I tried to answer, but the nerves took over me and I just sort of looked at him like an idiot. However, like normal Nate saved me, from answering this time.

"It should be under VanDerWoodsen."

"Yes, the other half of the party are here already." he said "I will lead you to the seats."

"Well that answered your question." I whispered, as I already felt the need to laugh at the somewhat at the snobby waiter. This was a somewhat fancy hotel, but this waiter by his general tone, seemed to think he worked at the plaza or something.

But as he walked us up to the table, the laughter fell from me. But like normal, I put on my brave face, as if nothing in the world could ever touch me. If I tried hard enough to convince everyone else I was fine, I sometimes managed to convince in the process. I just hoped this one of these times. Before we sat down Nate whispered in my ear

"I forgot to tell you how beautiful you look tonight."

I smiled at him, before I sat across from Erik, as Nate took the seat next to me across from mine. I felt Nate squeeze my hand under the table as a way of telling me that everything would be once again.

"Mom, Erik." I nodded at them, not quite knowing what to do now.

"How are you?" Erik asked.

"I'm good. You?"

"I'm OK." he finished as we lapsed into silence again, the three of us waiting for Mom to say something.

"I am sorry for my behavior earlier, it was inappropriate." She spoke curtly.

"That's it?" I scoffed back "What part are you sorry for? Calling me a horrible mother, when you have no grounds to do so? Not taking the time to even look at your grandchildren? Are there any more highlights I missed?"

"That's not fair Serena."she shot back. "I gave you two a more privileged life than you allowed your children."

"That depends on your definition of the word." I shrugged. "We may have had access to a better education system, but at least my kids know they're loved. I have never left them to jet off with my boyfriend of the month. I have never made them wake up on their birthday with only a note to say happy birthday. I never made my children fashion accessories."

"Nor did I."

"Mom, you hid us when you never acted how you wanted. You told everyone Erik was visiting Aunt Carol, because you where ashamed of where he was. Lying about him being in the Ostroff Center, and that wasn't about him, that was for you. You wanted to send me away, when you seen _that_ tape."

"I apologized for that." she replied. "And I learned from my mistakes you never did. But that's not why I asked you here."

'Then why did you?"

"I want to get to know my grandchildren, but I needed to discuss somethings with you first."

I looked to Erik then, and smiled "Should I be worried?

He just shrugged, and I knew that he didn't know what she wanted, which I'm guessing probably isn't good. But then I wasn't expecting it to be.

"Considering you are over twenty one, although you never finished collage, I will allow you the money in your trust fund."

"But?"

"We will have to agree to some terms. The money has to go towards getting a better house. I don't feel safe with them staying there. I would be happier if I knew they were in a safer neighborhood, I'd be happier if you never lived there either. The remaining money can be spent how you wish, but I would ask you came home at least once a year."

Well I wasn't expecting that! I thought that the conditions would be horrible, but I had always wanted a better house, one with a garden so the twins could play. After seeing Blair and Chuck again, I was planning on taking holiday's to New York anyway. But I didn't want to take the money and be that girl again.

"I don't know." I whispered back.

"Was there anything you didn't like?" she asked. "Were any of the conditions unreasonable? Because I think they are quite fair."

"It's not that... It's really got nothing to do with you. I just... don't want to rely on the money, when it's better for the twins to grow up seeing someone work. I don't want them to turn into mimi-me's."

"Serena." Erik said which caused me to look at him. "I know I haven't seen you in a couple of years, but... I knew you had it in you to be a good mother. You always made sure I was OK growing up."

I smiled shyly back at him. Not entirely sure what to reply to that. I seen a look of hurt flash across Mom's face, and that's when I realized something. In her own little crazy way, maybe she was sorry for being all but completely absent in our childhood. I guess she never had a great maternal role-model either.

"Serena, you can't raise your children, where you are staying. It's not appropriate, they won't turn out..."

I never did get to hear the end of that, even though it wouldn't have been positive. I was going to say something but I never had to...

"She is an amazing mother!" Nate cut in. "In the short time I've known the twins, I can tell how well looked after they are. They adore Serena, and they are two of the most polite four year old's I know. She tries her hardest to make sure that they get what they need, and would do anything for them. She never wanted to see me, but she wanted the twins to, so she put aside what she wanted for what the twins needed. And I might not have known about them for long, but I couldn't ask for them to have a better mother."

I had tears in my eyes at the end of that, Erik was smiling while Mom seemed surprised that Nate had used such an assertive with her, but even I seen a hint of approval in them.

"Serena, Erik, may I talk to Nate for a moment?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"I said..." she was cut off by the waiter.

"Are you ready to order yet?" the waiter from earlier asked.

"Not quite yet no." Mom replied. "We were just going to order some drinks at the bar, maybe in another twenty minutes."

"Yes Miss." The waiter nodded and then walked off.

"Serena, Erik, will you please go order our drinks, like I said I want to talk to Nate for a moment."

"But.." I started not sure were she was going with this, and that worried me slightly.

"It's OK Serena." Nate said. "Go, I'll be fine."

I nodded, and linked arms with Erik as we walked up to the bar and placed the order, I glanced over my shoulder to see Mom and Nate talking civilly enough. But I still really wanted to know what was going on.

"You really care for him, don't you?" came Erik's voice.

I nodded turning around to face him. "I... I still love him. I mean I guess a part of me has always loved him, I just... I'm not good for him."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I always hurt him. It's just a matter of time before I go one step too far, and he never wants to talk to me again."

Erik laughed then, and I must admit I was quite shocked. Well that was the last time I confined in him. "I fail to see how Nate never talking to me again is funny!"

"But that's just it. Serena, he flew all the way over here just on the chance that he might see you. He couldn't wait to see you, after five years he still wanted to see you. Serena, he would never not talk to you. He loves you. Which I'm guessing is why you're panicking."

"How did you get so smart?" I laughed.

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out he's in love with you. Or that you're in love with him. Why not give you and Nate a chance to be happy?"

"Have you been talking to Chuck?"

"No, why?" Erik replied confused.

"He just said something along the same lines." I shrugged and then as the bartender put our drinks in front of us I turned around to face Erik properly. "I'm so sorry, I left you again."

He shook his head at me. "I get it now. You had to. It must have been terrifying to go through everything on your own though. Just promise me one thing?"

"I promise."

"You don't know what I'm going to ask."

"Doesn't matter."

"Promise next time, you'll talk to me. I missed my big sister."

I felt tears tickling my eyes as I messed up his hair and punched him lightly on the shoulder "Missed you too."

"Well I didn't miss that." he muttered fixing his hair. "Is your son really named after me?"

"I couldn't think of anyone better than you." I replied honestly. Erik was always the sane one, my rock despite the fact that he was younger.

"Do you think it's safe to go back now?" he asked.

"Well I'm going to go back anyway, safe or not. You in?"

"I'll follow your lead." he replied as we both grabbed two drinks each and walked over to the table where they had stopped talking now.

"Are you ok?" I whispered to Nate.

"Fine, you?"

I nodded in lieu of an answer. The waiter came back over soon, and the rest of the dinner passed by with aimless chatter, and the big subjects weren't approached again.

* * *

After the waiter took away the last dishes I knew that I had to get home now. And I was just about to say that I had to go, when Mom spoke.

"I am sorry for what I said earlier. I know you have done the best you can, and I would like to see the children tomorrow."

"I... They... You can come over tomorrow." I nodded eventually. Right after I explain everything to the twins. How I was, who Mom and Erik were. Tomorrow should be fun. "I have to go now though."

Mom nodded as I stood up, Nate stood up at the same time, and helped put my jacket on. I hugged Erik goodbye, and said goodbye to Mom, and began walking out of the room when I seen Nate following.

"I can walk the door myself." I laughed.

"I'm walking you home." he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"But you live here and..."

"It wasn't a question. And you'll just have to live with it." he said tickling my side slightly.

"Well then." I said as I ran forward slightly "I guess I can't argue with that statement."

We walked the short distance back to the flat without really saying much. This is what I loved about spending time with Nate, even not doing anything was interesting. Just knowing he was there made things seem more interesting. When we got the door paused before opening it.

"Thank you for earlier. You never had to say all of those things to Mom."

"Yes I did. I meant what I said. I couldn't imagine a better mother for them."

I stood looking at him then, and in that instant I knew what I had to do. What not had to, exactly but I knew what I wanted to do. And both Chuck and Erik's voices rang in my head "give you a chance to be happy".

"Nate?" I called as he went to walk down the steps.

"Yeah?"

"Are you doing anything at lunch tomorrow?"

"No, do you want me to take the twins? Aren't they in daycare at that time?"

"Yes they are. I was thinking... well hoping... that me and you could do something?"

"Are you asking for a date?" he asked smiling slightly.

"No." I scoffed back joking.

"Well what if I am?"

"Then I might just say yes." I laughed back. "I should get in, let Cathy go, and check to see the twins are sleeping."

I turned back to unlock the door when I paused again. "Do you want to check to? You can help me tuck them in again?"

"I'd love to." he smiled, and this time I actually did open the door. And let Cathy go.

"It's easier to check Summer first, she's the heavier sleeper." I whispered to him, as we navigated down the dark hallway to her bedroom. And sure enough she was curled at the top her bed, one arm around her pink elephant. I pulled the cover up a little more and placed a soft kiss to her head. I noticed Nate had already gone to Eric's room so I went towards there closing Summer's door a little. When I got there I stood outside of the door hearing Nate and Eric.

"I heard you and Mummy." Eric whispered.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." Nate whispered back.

"Are you and Mummy getting married?" Eric whispered "Because Mummy's and Daddy's are meant to be married."

"Hey, I'm working on it." Nate said softly, and I could tell it wasn't just to please Eric. I walked back a little and pretended to just walk in then.

"Hey Mr, you're meant to be sleeping." I whispered to Eric as I tucked him back in and placed a kiss to his head as Nate did the same.

"Night Baby." I whispered.

"Night Mummy, night Daddy." he whispered before falling back to sleep.

I walked Nate back into the living room as we both stood there wondering what to do now, but all I heard in the silence was "I'm working on it." But the thing was I wasn't bothered about that thought.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I said eventually.

He nodded but made no effort to move. "I like that word, Daddy I mean."

"They love you." I replied simply.

"I love them too. And I love you."

"I love you too." I whispered, as he came closer to me. He leaned his head down slightly as I bit my lip.

"Say the word and I won't do anything." he whispered. But I just raised my head up that little bit further, and as our lips met, I couldn't help but smile slightly. He pulled back, and hugged me gently.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I finish at twelve, so meet me at work?"

He nodded and walked out, as I walked back to my room, my hand loosely pressed to my lips, that's it I'm calling Blair tomorrow! She needs to know this, besides I was almost sure Nate would tell Chuck, and then Chuck would tell Blair, and I'd be dead for not telling Blair. But that night as I fell asleep I found I wasn't worried about anything, and the only thing that I could picture was happy families with the twins and Nate. And maybe... just maybe... I'd been wrong all those years and happily ever afters were for everyone.


	13. When those are my favourite words

I stood outside the café waiting for Nate to show up, while trying to squash my nerves. This wasn't our first date, so it made no sense to be so nervous. I mean we had already done the hard parts of a relationship: we had met the parents, had said I love you, I mean we even had kids! So why was a date freaking me out so much? I had never been so scared of a date before! Ever.

But I could hazard a guess as to why I was nervous this time. Unlike last time we had a date, I was willing to accept that it could lead to something more. That we could give the twins the proper family I knew they wanted since they found out Nate was their father. I had never, ever, dated someone, and seen a perfectly clichéd little family complete with white picket fence. I was always the "party" girl, the one who's longest relationship was a week, the girl who was perfect. But Nate always seen through that. He seen the cracks in me, the dents that showed how damaged I was. That I only partied because at least then I felt like I belonged, no-one looked down at you when everyone else was doing the exact same thing. That I had to do it, as an escape from the life that had broken me in ways I could never see being repaired.

But it was also him who showed me, that maybe, it was OK to let someone help mend you. That there was one person, if no-one else, who loved me for who I am. All of me, not just certain parts. And maybe he was the right the other day, my only problem was that I never let him. Just like anyone else, I kept him at arms length, but no more. If this to work, and I wanted... no _needed_ this to work, then I had to let him in. Let him see the bad as well as the good.

"You look deep in thought." Nate's voice pulled me back to reality, as my eyes landed on him. It's really not fair that he can make a shirt and jeans look so amazing! "You planning to run away on me?"

And it wasn't totally in jest either. "Never." I said honestly. "Besides I have a mini-us that would just tell you anyway."

"You look beautiful by the way." he smiled.

"I look like a mess." I laughed back.

He just shook his head at me. "You could never look like a mess to me. Just my angel with a temporary broken wing."

"Your angel?" I laughed. "I'm sure that there a million people who should be called angel before me."

"Not for me." he shrugged back. "So do you want to get going?"

"Yeah." I smiled, as he held out his hand I slipped mine into his, and it sort of felt... right. Like we were meant to do this. "Where are we going again?"

"Nice try." he smiled. "I told you earlier, it's a surprise."

"Can't I get a hint?"

"No." he replied "And don't pretend your upset, I know you love surprises."

I lightly punched him with my spare hand as he showed me a car, I shrugged and clambered in, as he followed me, before taking out a blindfold.

"You're kidding right?" I laughed.

"Nope. Come on, I don't want the surprise ruined too early. Please for me." he pouted at me, the look that always got me. I punched him in the chest.

"You don't play fair." I huffed as he placed it over my eyes. I spent the rest of the journey trying to get Nate to give me some kind of clue as to where we were going.

"OK we're here." he replied after a while, I reached for the blindfold but felt his hands over mine. "Not yet." he whispered.

He helped me from the car, and led me down a pavement until he finally stopped me. When he took the blindfold off I expected something magnificent not:

"We're in a park." trying to keep the disappointment from my face. He smiled and turned me around to face a picnic blanket placed upon one of those chequered blankets, I seen Erik standing there and smiled. He smiled at me, and walked off.

"What was Er..."

"Making sure no-one ruined anything, this way I wouldn't have to set up with you here and ruin the surprise. So what do you think?"

"I think a picnic in the park's perfect."

"Well then, let me escort you to your seat." he smiled. I shook my head as he walked me over to the blanket, and opened the basket. And I couldn't help but laugh.

"Pop tarts?"

"Hey! I made those myself. Besides their blueberry."

"Of course they are! Blue's our colour."

"And we have iced-coffee, curtsey of Starbucks. I know it's not much but..."

"It's perfect." I smiled. "I couldn't imagine a better lunch for us!"

He just smiled at me, before handing me over a pop tart, as I smiled at him, I felt a rush of butterflies in my stomach.

* * *

"Hmmm... Dolphin!" he replie.

"Uh-uh! How does it look like a dolphin?"

"What would you say it looked like?"

"A rainbow!"

"Without colours?"

"Well it's only what it looks like, besides clouds aren't coloured like dolphin's either." I shot back. We had finished our lunch and were now making cloud shapes, just like we had when we were younger. We never agreed then either.

When I glanced over at him, he looked so peaceful, so happy that I knew that I had to tell him the news now. I was never good with holding in good news anyway.

"Nate?"

"Serena?"

"I need to tell you something."

"What?" he asked wearily.

"I was thinking of going back to my old name, my real name. But the thing is I would have to change the kids names as well and I..."

"Are you asking if it's OK?" he asked relieved. "Of course it is."

"No. Well yes, but not just that. See, I want you to be a part of their lives. And I know you want that, I know they want it. So I was talking to Blair earlier, who is still in a mood as I woke her up at three in the morning... but anyway the thing is... I wasn't going to change their surname to VanDerWoodsen. I was thinking of... Archibald-VanDerWoodsen."

"Really?" he asked sitting straight up now, looking into my eyes.

"Yes. I mean VanDerWoodsen-Archibald just sounds stupid an..."

But I was cut off as Nate kissed me, I smiled into it as I felt his hand tangle in my hair. Then pulled and smiled at me.

"You really want my name to be in there?"

I nodded, and almost said "I want it to be in mine too" but we could work up to that, not exactly first date talk is it?

"Thank you." he replied and I could the fact that he was close to tears.

"I don't deserve a thanks, it should have always been there. And I promise to never let the twins forget that you are the best person I know. Just don't tell Blair or Chuck I said that. There was something else I wanted to ask you. I was thinking of alternating weekends, you know I would have them, then you. I mean I want them at the house during the week as it's closer to their day-care but when you find a house, then maybe we could make some during the week arrangements... but I think the weekends are a good place to start."

"I would love that Serena. But I want to change a little bit."

"What?" I asked trying to think of what was unreasonable.

"I want to have a family day. When the four of us do something."

"I would love that." I smiled at him, it sounded amazing just the four of us, being able to just be us. "I love you Natie."

He smiled then. "Those are my favourite words. You were the only person who ever called me Natie, and you have no idea how long I was waiting for you to say those words."

"You were the only one, I ever let see me." I said back feeling the need to say how much he meant to me as well. "I think I'm ready Nate."

"For what?" he asked confused.

"Us. You said that you were ready, and that you just needed me to catch up, and I think I have. I think... No, I know, I can be half a couple. But only if your the other half. Nate it was always going to be you."

"Even when I never let myself believe it." I continued "I always pictured forever with you. But now, I can see it happening. You, me, the cliché big wedding with Sum and Erik there, our life afterwards."

I held back the tears deciding to go against my earlier thought I was on here a role here, might as well see it to the end, it's not like it would make him panic. He had already said he was working on "getting married" to Eric.

"Nate, I want forever with you."

He was still for a moment his eyes studying mine, seemingly surprised that I was that honest with him, then I seen tears spring to his eyes. "I change my mind, those are my favourite words."

He leaned over then and kissed me, letting me know everything in that moment. That he loved me, that he would be there, that he would look after me and the kids and just so much more, then he pulled back and smiled.

"I forgot to say I want forever with you too."


	14. When old wounds show

I walked into the hotel holding the twins hands, and both their eyes lit up when they seen where they were.

"We're going to see Daddy!" Summer smiled.

"Not exactly." I replied. After our picnic, Nate went back to his hotel, while I went home to get into something more acceptable to Mom. Then I picked the twins up and came over here. Nate came into the room then.

"Daddy!" Summer cried and ran over to him, jumping as he picked up her up and sat her on his waist while Eric put his little arms around his legs.

"It's nice to see you two as well?" he smiled then turned to me. "Have you told them yet?"

I shook my head, to be honest I was considering not telling them, but then I told myself to stop being stupid and that I had to tell them who they were meeting. "You two are meeting two people very important today! Your grandmother and Uncle Erik."

"That's my name!" piped in Eric.

"Yes it is. So remember you have to be nice to family."

Just then my Mom and brother came into the room "And here they are."

They both looked and Summer climbed down from Nate's arm and walked over to them holding out her hand "My name's Summer! You didn't ask last time."

"Eric, aren't you going to say hello?" I asked my son, who shook his head, and came over to me grabbing my hand.

"You made my Mummy upset." he said to Mom while pouting "I don't like people who make my Mummy sad. You have to say sorry! Mummy says when you upset someone you have to say you're sorry."

I looked down at him confused, he normally never talked like that. But he just smiled at me, before turning to look at Mom with a scowl on his face. Although it was Mom who shocked me the most.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you Serena. And Eric, I am sorry for upsetting your mum."

He smiled then and ran over to hug her, see that was more like Eric. "I'm glad you said sorry. My name's Eric!"

"So is mine." My brother smiled.

"No way!" little Eric exclaimed. "Daddy's got part of my name too!"

"Really?" Erik gasped back. "Well that is a pretty cool name if you ask me."

"I like Summer." she piped in almost to remind everyone, that she was in fact still there.

"It's a very pretty name, for a very pretty girl." Eric smiled.

Summer beamed at him, then turned to me. "Mummy can we get some ice-cream? They do the best kind here."

"Sure." I smiled and went to take them when Mom made me stop.

"I will take them, I am their grandmother after all." she said.

"OK, you two hold grandmother's hands." I said.

"I'll go with her, just in case." Erik smiled at me and left after our mother. Nate came over to me then and placed a soft kiss on my lips.

"That was all your fault you know? With our Eric I mean."

"How do you work that out?" he asked.

"Who was always the protective one?"

"I seem to recall a girl who let everyone think she was pregnant to cover for her best friend."

"Th... That's not the point!" I laughed back. "You know all of that, my old life, it seems like a lifetime ago."

"I know." he whispered back. "But I like this one better."

"Why?"

"Because I have everything I want."

"Nate, we always got what we wanted." I said confused.

"Material things, yes." he agreed. "But I didn't mean that. Despite everything I still have great friends in Chuck and Blair. I have two amazing kids, and I can't begin to describe how much I love them, though I'm sure you feel the same. And I have you. The only girl I ever really loved, not puppy love like with Blair, but actual love. The kind I always assumed everyone exaggerated about, you know that not being able to live without the other? Then I met you, and I realised that they were right. I thought you leaving after the Sheppard wedding was bad, but then you left after I came to you after Juliet... But I don't mind if you break my heart, because you might be the only one able to break it, but you're the only one who can mend it. I love you Serena."

"Nate..." I tried to say something but I couldn't get the words out. Those kind of confessions were normally followed by me running. But all I could think was that I loved hearing those coming from him. "Nate I love you too. And that's part of why I ran. Nate I got scared, I don't know how to love. And knowing that... I didn't think it was fair to stay, and I know it wasn't fair to leave but... I promise, I learnt how to love since the twins were born. And I won't leave this time. I'm going to be around so much, you'll be begging me to leave you alone."

"I would never get sick of having you around. I love you Serena."

"I love you too." I smiled before hugging him, as the rest of my family came back.

* * *

I walked into the bar of the hotel and seen Bryan standing there with a cocktail in his hand. Knowing it wasn't like him to drink during the day, I walked over to him and cleared my throat.

"Want to tell me what's up?"

"Nothing much." he muttered.

"Oh come on, you can tell me! Believe me anything that happened, I'm sure I've done something worse."

"Darren cheated on me."

"Oh." I replied subdued. Next to Gloria, Bryan had been my best friend over here, so I was genuinely upset at the fact that he had been hurt so much. "I'm sorry."

"Still think you've done worse?"

"I'm sorry. But drowning your sorrows isn't the way to go. Believe me! All it does is give a splitting headache and more pain in the morning."

"So what would you suggest then?"

"Ice-cream, soppy movies, your favourite junk food..." I trailed off "Or whatever the manly version of that is."

"I suppose..." he sighed. "I just feel like..."

"That nothing will be bright again? I've been there, more times than I care to think about. But you get past that, and each day gets less sucky."

"Sucky?" he laughed.

"Well I have two four year olds!" I laughed back. "See your smiling! It's already getting better!"

"So who's the rather handsome man you're here with? That's the one that was at the café waiting for you right?"

"Yeah, that's Nate. The twins father, I forgot how much I loved him, but him being there... I always knew I loved him but him coming here... I realised that he was always the one."

"Well I always assumed whoever the twins dad was, must have been really special to you."

"How?"

"Honey, I've tried to set you up on so many dates since I met you, and you never took a single one of them."

"I have to get back. Nearly bedtime for the twins, and they've been spoiled enough today."

"Hey, Serena wasn't it?" he asked still not used to my actual name, so I nodded. "Thanks, I can't believe it helped but it did."

"Come here." I said extending my arms "Thanks for everything over the years. You've been amazing, I love you."

"Your the only girl I love." he laughed and I had to at his hidden joke.

"Seriously?" I heard Nate's voice, and I turned around to see his angry face. Why was he... Oh he didn't think... I mean he couldn't right?

"Nate it's not..."

"What it looks like?" he scoffed. "It never is though is it?"

"I'm gonna... yeah..." Bryan muttered walking off, but I couldn't turn around to say goodbye my eyes focusing on Nate.

"That's not fair." I replied. "I explained why I used to do stupid things. And it's not like you never messed up!"

"Not as much as you!" he shot back. "Serena, there comes a point when Daddy issues isn't a viable excuse. And everytime I said I love you, you ran! You ran to boarding school, to Tripp, to Dan, you left me to be with Carter..."

"It wasn't like that!" I replied indigently, how did we go from our words earlier to this?

"But the others? Maybe I was just stupid to think you'd stay this time. But who was I kidding? You're Serena VanDerWoodsen, You're the butterfly of the UES, the one who's so beautiful to watch, but near impossible to catch and even harder to hold onto."

"Nate, Bryan is..."

"I don't really care." he sighed. "Maybe you were right earlier, maybe you don't know how to love."

"Nate!" I said softly. "I... Bryan is just a friend!"

"He said you were the only girl he ever loved."

"Because he's..." But before I could finish my sentence and tell Nate that Bryan was gay he cut me off again.

"Do want to know what your mother asked the other day? How I could stand up for you after everything, and I told her that it was because it finally opened your eyes, that maybe we could finally be forever. I even told her that I wanted to marry you, that I wanted the big cheesy wedding, or even a quick one so long as you were the one saying "I do"."

"I do love you! I want all that too!"

"Do you really?" he asked. "Or do you just think you _should_ be doing this?"

"No, I want this!" I cried.

"Mummy?" came Summer's voice. "Are you and Daddy fighting."

"No sweetie, we were just talking." I said trying to sooth her. "But we need to go now, get you and Eric ready for bed."

"Can you come Daddy?" she asked tears glistening in her eyes, clearly knowing that we were in fact fighting.

"No!" I replied. "I mean Daddy is tired, he needs to go to bed too, go say goodbye to your grandmother and uncle."

Summer nodded leaving and walked over to Mom. I seen Erik pick her up and comfort his niece. Seeing this I turned back around to Nate.

"Bryan's gay, that's what the "only girl I loved" comment was about. It was a joke. And I meant what I said, I want a future together, but that's going to happen right now. I knew it was too soon to start this. You still aren't past the past, and relationships can't function that way. I think... You can pick the twins up tomorrow from daycare, then drop them off at Gloria's."

"Serena, I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

"It doesn't matter. And I know I can't really blame you. But that doesn't mean it never hurt and I just... can't see you when the twins are near, I don't want them hearing what I have to say about you right now."

"Serena... Let me make it up to you. I'm sorry for what I said, I just..."

"Still hate me for what I done? Yeah I got that. Loud and clear. Bye Nate." I cut him off walking out of the bar and towards my family, ready to take the twins home trying to not to cry as I left behind the man I loved. Isn't it ironic that just when I realise I realise I love someone, my stupid self had already messed it up, possibly beyond repair?


	15. When honesty isn't so bad

Just to make up for the last chapter :p And happy new year to everyone when it comes!

* * *

Gloria had sent me home from work earlier, apparently I looked liked death and would frighten away the customer's. But I seen the concern shining in her eyes, I had turned up looking like a mess with mascara running down my cheeks. But I just never had time to care, I was currently having a pity party. I was lying in bed, with the cover shoved down the bottom, and tissues lying everywhere. I really should have seen it coming though, I never get happy endings, not complete one's anyway, so why should it be any different now? I heard my phone buzz, and sighing I reached over and picked it up.

"Hello?" I asked wearily having not bothered to check the called ID.

"Serena, what is wrong with you?"

"Huh? Blair, what are you on about."

"Well Nate said you wouldn't take his calls this morning. S you can't him out, you have kids."

"I know that. Did Nate happen to mention that he accused me of cheating?"

"No." she sighed "What happened?"

"I was talking to a friend, and he said he loved me, you know in a friendly way, but Nate heard and thought it meant something more and went crazy and.."

"S, he's scared. Don't take this the wrong the way, but you broke him more than you realise."

"It's not like I've never been hurt. I was going through a lot too you know!"

"But at least you knew everything! Serena he was devastated when you left, he wouldn't speak to any of for weeks, and when he did... I'd never seen him so down, it was like... like he wasn't even there. He wouldn't even come to my home because that's where he seen you last. And when he finally convinced him to go on a date with someone else, we had to go pick him up because he got drunk and talked about how wonderful you were the whole time. His poor date couldn't take it anymore, and it takes a lot for me to fell sorry for strangers."

"I never..." I broke off then. "I thought he'd be fine. It wasn't like we were going out when I left."

"S... That's dumb even for you. You know how much it upset him the first time you left, surely you knew he wouldn't be throwing a party after you left."

"He was the one who didn't want me after Paris!"

"Becuase you hurt him!" She sighed, and I just knew that it was accompanied with an eye-roll.

"He called the cops on my Dad!" I shouted back, then I paused and bit my lip.

"S? Are you sure that you're over the past?"

"I thought I was... But... Maybe I'm not. Blair, I can't do this myself! I wish you were here, you always could knock sense into me. Oh I can go see Erik! No wait, Nate's there. I could ask Erik to come here, but then he was never really that angry that they called the cops on Dad."

"Serena, don't get angry at me..."

"But?"

"Did you ever notice that you only got mad at Nate, and not the rest of us?"

I leaned back against my pillows and sighed. Had I noticed that? No. I knew that they all deserved the same treatment as Nate but it just didn't hurt as much from the other's.

"It was different with Nate! He was meant to... He knew how much... It was just different! He wasn't... he wasn't meant to hurt me. He was supposed to be the nice one, it's just... It was different for him."

"Don't you think that's a little unfair to put all that on him?"

"Yes, but it's how I feel. I mean felt! I guess I never let it go." I sighed. "Blair, I messed up. But so did he!"

"Serena, I need to go. But talk to him, and I mean really talk to him. You two are never going to work anything out if you don't talk properly. And I know dropping your guard isn't your favourite thing to do, I mean you don't even like doing when it's just you but... You have to be honest, even if it hurts. And you know we'll always be there. And we never judge."

"Thanks Blair." I said before hearing the dialling tone. I flung on jeans and a t-shirt, and threw my hair into a ponytail. I grabbed my bag and left the house after pausing for a moment.

* * *

I knocked on the hotel door and stepped back a couple of steps.

"Serena?" came my brother's shocked voice.

"Erik! Have I ever told you how amazing you are? I mean..."

"What do you want?" he laughed.

I mocked gasped placing my hand on my chest "Well I never! But seriously? I need you to pick the twins up from day care and look after them for a couple of hours if that's OK?"

"Of course. But why isn't Nate doing it? Is this to do with your fight yesterday?"

"Nate told you too?"

"No. I heard you." he supplied. "And Chuck phoned earlier to say..."

"Of course he did. Blair called me to ask what I was doing?"

"You still haven't answered." he pointed out "Why isn't Nate going to get them?"

"I... I am hoping that he'll give me a chance to talk. I think we're both holding onto some thing's, that unless we get past, we can't really get along well enough not to mess with the twins lives. And that is something I don't want to happen. Even if we aren't together, we at least need to trust the other."

"Blair tell you that?"

"I can come up with these things myself!" I huffed "But her words may have acted as a guide. So can you pick them up."

He nodded and I turned around to head down the hall when he called my name.

"Yeah?"

"I hope it goes well for you. You deserve someone to be there for you, I was always thankful you were there for me."

I smiled at him, before he shut the door and walked down the corridor and took in a deep breath trying to compose myself. After five minutes, I finally chapped Nate's door and waited anxiously for him to open it.

"I already sa..." he started clearly thinking I was the maid or something. "Serena? What are you doing here? I got the impression you didn't want to talk to me."

"I never. I was quite content not to until... well I don't know the end to that sentence, but we need to talk."

"I am sorry for yesterday."

"You said. But I was talking to Blair earlier and she said something that made a lot of sense. You let me do what I always do, pack things into a little box and never talk about them again, but that isn't healthy. If anyone would know it would be me right? So I think... no matter how much it hurts us, we're never going to stop hurting unless we get everything, and I do mean everything out in the open."

"You want to have an honest talk? Willingly?"

"I'm aware it's not like me, but I've changed. I had to. There was no way I could act like I used and be anywhere a decent mother. But... I could never talk about the past, I let it fade into a blur..."

"Do you want to sit down?" he asked. I nodded as we walked over to the couch. We both sat down but stayed quiet for a while, neither quite knowing how to start, and neither of us being able to look the other in the eye.

"I'm sorry for yesterday." he sighed eventually "I really am. You didn't deserve it, I know you've changed, anyone can see that. And I know I over-reacted, I just... I'm more used to losing you than having you with me."

I nodded my head. "It's not like I haven't given you enough reason to be worried. And you really will never know how much I regret that. Everytime... I know I let you think it never hurt but... When I pretended that I was fine... Leaving you, any of the times, was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I always thought that it was what was best for you. I could have been selfish and stayed but... I wreck things Nate. I wreak relationships, people, me... People I love tend to end up hurt, so I thought it was better to stay away."

He shook his head. "The pain when I was with you, when you left Carter, when you never told me about your dad, when you kissed Dan, those couldn't touch the pain I felt when you left. You didn't speak to anyone for a year, hearing you say... I had convinced myself that when you came back everything would be like a fairytale. That I would get the life I wanted, not the one that had been planned out for me since before I was born. I could almost imagine a happy ever after. But I had to put on an act with Blair... with everyone... try to pretend that someone else never had my heart. That I was fine. But I wasn't. I hated it, seeing you with Dan, watching your eyes light up when you seen him... It hurt more than I can describe..."

"I felt the same though! Seeing you with Blair, I know it's what I wanted but that never stopped the hurt. Then coming back from France and seeing you with Juliet... I know I left so I had no right to be upset, it just hurt."

"At least you were the one who left! I got stuck with left behind again! And I never really got to know why. And I don't buy what you tried to give me. Why was I the only one you never forgave over your Dad?"

"Because you were... We all know Chuck and Blair are insane so it wasn't that surprising... But you... You were always honest with me, even when the truth wasn't what I wanted to hear. I guess it just more that you didn't tell me. That you would go behind me back and do something like that, when you knew how much having him there meant. I could get past the others lying, it's what Chuck and Blair do, Dan was trying to protect Rufus, I honestly couldn't have cared about Jenny at that point... which left you being the one I was supposed to trust. And it just felt you threw all that back. I don't trust easily, and I can count on my fingers the amount of people I truly trust, and when someone breaks that, it... it hurts."

"And you couldn't tell me any of this?"

I shook my head. "I couldn't find the words. I couldn't get past the pain enough to tell you. And by the time I did... It was too late."

"And I just wasn't worth the effort?" he asked sounding angry.

"Because you were happy! I seen you with Juliet... And you seemed happy. I couldn't that away. Not again. So I left it, and when you came _that _night, I wanted to tell you but... it just didn't seem right. The wounds didn't need to be opened again. As much as I knew you deserved the explanation, I couldn't let myself be that vulnerable."

"You couldn't let yourself."

I laughed at how shocked he sounded a couple of tears falling "Is it that surprising? Being completely honest isn't my forte. And I was scared if I was too honest I would lose you. Ironic that isn't it? My inability to say what I feel was the exact reason everything got so messed up."

"It wasn't all your fault." he said one of his hands reaching for mine, and I had a flashback to so many years ago in that hotel room, where the words we actually wanted to say never came out.

"No? You're not the broken one. You're not the one who is so terrified of someone leaving, you never let anyone in. And even those who mange to get closer than most, still don't get to see everything. I seen so many people leave, it was more surprising when someone said. And it wasn't fair to make anyone be with that mess. So when the time came I found even more ways to push people away. Drugs, drinking, the men..."

"There has to be another reason though. For when you done all that. Serena we could all see you were broke, well when you let us in anyway. We didn't forget the scared little turning up on our doorsteps, backpack in one hand and a firm grasp of Erik's in the other."

"I... I thought... I thought acting out, in any and every way I could would make Mom finally notice me, finally see. I hated when she left, having to explain to Erik that Mommy left on a trip again... You know I used to tell him that she was going on business trips, because I never wanted to tell him she just abandoned us again. Then after a while, I think he worked it our, but went along with it anyway."

"You shouldn't have had to do it though. None of our parents were exactly shining stars, but your parents make ours look like the world's best."

"Isn't it funny though? I was so scared of ending up like my mother, having everyone leave... That I never let anyone stay, and ended up alone anyway?"

"I'm here. You'll always have me. And Blair and Chuck. It might not be much but we can be pretty amazing."

"It's your turn." I said. "I think I had enough of why I'm a mess, but what are you feeling?"

"Honestly?" he asked, as I nodded "I'm upset that you held so much in. We always knew you never really let us, but S, you shouldn't have done all that by yourself. Telling us all that would have allowed us to say that you were never like your mother. Even take looking after Erik, you always put him first. Even lying to him to make sure he wasn't more upset that he had to be. And I think... knowing how you felt makes you leaving so much hurt less. Not that it's completely gone."

We lapsed into silence again, both of our eyes shining with tears. "So where do we go from here?" Nate asked eventually.

"We do the most important thing. Make sure the twins are alright, let them be the priority because they should be. Then I think we need to get to know each other again. Take the time to be friends, work out how to work as parents, then see where it goes."

He poured two glasses of wine and handed one to me.

"Here's to us. And the two most important people on the planet."

"To us." I said as the glasses clinked and I took a sip. Maybe honesty wasn't too bad. Did it hurt to say it all? Yes. But for the first time it never felt like I was falling apart inside.


	16. When you let fate win

I heard the door get chapped and I placed down the bowl of ice-cream I had. I had spent the day watching ridiculous comedy's to help cheer me up. After I left Nate a couple of days ago, things between us were better, but we decided to spend some time apart, something that the kids weren't happy about. But I found that I missed him, which was stupid as I still seen him when he dropped the twins off. I opened the door and seen Nate standing there with the twins, who both had massive chocolate lined smiles.

"Have a good time with Daddy?" I laughed.

Summer nodded enthusiastically as Eric spoke "We went to the movies, and Daddy bought us chocolate. He let us eat it on the way home."

"I can see! You two go start to get cleaned off; I'll be there in a minute." They nodded and ran towards the bathroom, as I turned to face Nate. "Any problems?"

"No they were amazing." He replied. "I'm telling Mom about them later. She's been asking why I stayed over here, when Blair and Chuck already went back."

"Wow." I replied softly. "Will you be OK to tell her by yourself?"

"It's over a phone." He laughed "But thank you for offering to be there with me."

"Me? Oh no I would have made Erik be there for you." I laughed, and heard the splashing in the background. "I should probably go and check on them, before I end up with a swimming pool instead of a bathroom and..."

"This is awkward." Nate finished.

I nodded leaning against the door "It shouldn't be. We finally got everything out; it should be easy now, right? But then I suppose we haven't actually spent any time together for it not to be awkward, and I'm not even making sense anymore."

We lapsed into silence again then, the noises from the bathroom becoming more prominent. I took a breath in before I spoke again "You know Mum and Erik are going back to New York tomorrow. It will be weird; I mean they came right after Blair and Chuck left and... It'll be the first time that I actually have a chance to think since the twin's birthday."

"What do you mean?" Nate asked as I heard screaming from the bathroom.

"Why don't you come in? I have to go and see what happened, and it's mean to make you stay out in the corridor."

He nodded walking into the room as I closed the door then walked towards the bathroom.

"What happened?" I asked the twins who were not drenched from head to toe in water.

"We got wet." Summer smiled.

"I can see that! Why did you two get so wet?"

"Summer splashed me."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did no..."

"OK you two." I sighed eventually. "Go dry off then I will go get Daddy and we'll get you both ready for bed."

"Daddy? He'll help put us to bed! Daddy hasn't done that the last couple of days." Summer beamed.

"We'll be quick." Eric nodded, as they both ran to their rooms to get out their pyjamas and dry off. I shook my head, this process normally took forever but as soon as Nate's here all of a sudden they will get ready in a few minutes. I walked into the living to find Nate sitting on the couch. I had a flashback to when he came back from his Grandfather's when I was staying at Blair's and then we... Well maybe not best to remember that. Wouldn't help the trying to be friend's thing.

"Are you OK?" he asked seeing me looking at him.

"Yeah." I sighed "Just thinking about some things. You need to come over at night more, they are currently getting ready and I didn't need to shout at them for about twenty minutes first."

"I'll come as often as you like." He smiled "I love spending time with them."

"I can see that. It's nice; I love how much you want to spend time with them. I knew you'd be an amazing father."

"And you are an amazing mother." He smiled back.

"Do you want to stay and watch a film? That one's just about done and I... well I... it's stupid but..."

"I missed you too." Nate laughed. "I spent the last five years not seeing you, I never thought I wouldn't see you if we found you."

"I used to imagine what it would be like if I went back to New York. Whenever looking after the twins got hard, I would picture what it would be like if we were a proper family."

"And?" he prompted.

"It was like something from a fairytale. I loved the idea of it, but this... you spending time with the twins, it's so much better than anything I imagined. I am so glad that they love you; I was worried I had wrecked everything. But seeing the three of you... It's probably my favourite sight ever. You know when I first seen that Eric looked like you, I actually cried. I just felt so horrible, that you would never see him. I'm so glad you did! I was so scared when I seen you, but I think it's the best thing that could have happened."

"I'm glad too." He smiled as the twins walked in, all dressed for bed.

"Want to help me put two sleepy four year olds to bed?"

"I couldn't imagine anything more fun." He laughed, as the twins led us to their rooms.

"How can our kids not like this film? It's a classic!" Nate exclaimed.

"I know! They have no taste. Hey do you remember Blair used to be scared of the oompa-loompa's?" I asked.

He nodded "She said that green and orange should never go together."

"And Chuck watched it while wearing a mini-suit." I laughed remembering "We were the only normal kids."

"And that is an immensely worrying fact." Nate replied.

"I don't know, I think we were pretty amazing kids. Clearly the better half of the non-judging breakfast club." I nodded.

"Unless you ask Chuck and Blair." He laughed back.

"But we know the truth." I laughed. "You know I really missed you. I missed everyone I left but... It actually hurt to think about you. Stupid right?"

I leaned over and took another drink of wine noticing that the glass was empty. I looked towards Nate, who had cleared his throat.

"It hurt me too. So if it's stupid, at least we're not alone." He said putting his hand over mine. I pulled it back though, shaking my head at him. I couldn't handle the way I felt when he did something as simple as that.

"We can't. We decided being friends was best." I whispered.

"Serena..." he trailed off moving slightly closer.

"This isn't about us. The twins... we need to... do what's best for them."

"Isn't us being happy going to be best for them?" he whispered.

"It might not work." I whispered back not being able to completely find my voice "And we can't do that to them."

"It will work. Serena we always find our way back to each other. I want forever with you, I need forever with you. Because Serena, even when you left, I still couldn't believe in a future with anyone but you. Serena I love you, I'll always love you."

"Nate..." I sighed feeling tears sting my eyes "I... I... love you too."

He leaned over and as our lips met, everything else seemed to fall away so that we were the only two people in the world. I couldn't argue, given the fact that things just felt right. We were going to see where things take us, and we did always seem to end up together, so maybe that's where we meant to be.

"Nate." I whispered as I pulled back. "Room?"

He nodded, as I intertwined and led him towards my room. I didn't even feel worried that things were moving too fast, because in that instant, as odd as it sounds it felt like we were never apart. And all I wanted was to just let it be.

I woke up the next morning to find the space next to me was empty. Well that was odd; I mean Nate wouldn't have just left... Would he? The door creaked open and Nate walked in with pop-tarts and orange juice.

"Morning." He smiled placing a soft kiss on my lips. "Made you breakfast."

"I can see. Thank you. The twin's ne..."

"Are already eating their toast."

"Well you thought of everything." I laughed. "I like this, you being here in the morning. And last night."

"I like being here too. Which got me thinking... S, I love you and being apart didn't really pan out so... We always seem to end up together, so I think we should take it up a notch."

"What do you mean?" I asked taking one of the pop-tarts from the tray.

He handed me a sheet of paper. It was a house listing, it wasn't too far away from here, five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a decent sized garden and a new kitchen.

"It looks great Nate. I'm sure you'll love it."

"We."

"Oh right! I'm sure the twins will love it too." I smiled.

"No, S that's not what I meant. I want you to move in too. I want us to be a proper family. I want us all to live together. So what do you say? Will you move in with me Serena?"

"I... I... I don't know." Was all that came out of my mouth.


	17. When you love enough to try

_Just a quick update. Will update with a full one soon._

* * *

Move in.

Those two simple words had been my only thoughts for the last four hours. As I got dressed, as I got the twins ready, as I watched Nate take them out... All I could think about was Nate's question, the one that could change everything. I walked into the hotel in a daze and seen Mom and Erik sitting on one of the couches, with their bags next to them.

"Sorry, I'm so late." I said as I walked up to them. "I had an... interesting morning."

"Interesting?" Erik asked.

"Nate found a house." I explained. "It's a great house, one the twins would love."

"And the problem?" Erik inquired.

"He wants us all to move in. Him, Summer, Eric... Me."

"Oh." He whispered.

"Yeah." I nodded "But I don't know. Part of me wants to; part of me is too scared to move in. I mean it was terrifying coming over here by myself, but when he asked this morning... I was more scared then. And I don't get why, I love Nate."

"Serena, you aren't exactly the biggest fan of commitment."

"I know." I sighed "But... It's been different since Nate came over. I can actually see a happy ever after. I... I can actually see things getting serious. You know, he told little Eric that he was working on marriage, and ever since we had our talk, I keep thinking about that sentence. And for the first time, it doesn't scare me. Erik, I think I might want that."

"But you're scared that when you get it, you'll lose it?"

"You are way too perceptive." I laughed.

"No. I just know you." He shot back. "And don't try to change the subject."

"Fine! Yes, that's what I'm worried about. I know I shouldn't be the worried one given everything but... I don't think I can take Nate leaving. He was different from everyone else I dated. He knew everything, and it didn't make him hate me. He could always see when I was faking being happy, when something was wrong... I guess I would rather have Nate in my life as a friend, than lose him as something more."

"Serena." Erik sighed "You can't think like that. If Nate hasn't left yet, especially after the last five years, then he never will. And I think that he can make you happy, he always was the one who made you happy."

"Serena." Mom said reminding me that she was there "I know you might not want to listen to me, of all people, but I know Nathaniel would never leave you. His speech the other day convinced me of that. You didn't like growing up away from your parents, and I can't explain how much I regret that, but if you hated it so much, don't do that to your children."

"What if I mess up again?" I asked as my voice began to hitch from the tears. "Then what will happen? What if the twins hate me for making their Dad leave? I can't stand them hating me, I love them too much! They're all I have."

"From what I've seen Summer and Eric could never hate you." Mom said.

"And Nate would never take them away from you." Erik replied "And I think you know that. So the only question you need to ask, is do you love Nate enough to try?"

* * *

I walked back into my apartment, and seen Nate curled up with the twins watching a film. Upon closer inspection I seen the three of them were sleeping. Leave them for a couple of hours and they all fall asleep. I smiled, shaking my head as I took my jacket off I walked over to put it on one of the chairs, then paused. Lying on the table were pictures drawn by the twins, of the four of us. Deciding that I couldn't really wait any longer.

"Nate." I whispered shaking his shoulder's slightly.

"Huh?" he said waking up, then smiling when he seen me. "Morning."

"Actually it's five at night." I smiled. "I have something I need to tell you. But maybe in the room, I don't want to risk waking them up until after I say it."

"OK." He asked wearily, as he followed me to the room. When we got there I sat on the bed as he sat on the chair next to my make-up table. We sat in silence for a little while, until I plucked up my courage.

"Nate." I said eventually, as I tried to bite my lip to keep from smiling. "You know the question you asked earlier?"

"Yes." He whispered.

"I have an answer now. So can you ask me again?"

"Serena?"

"Please just ask me again."

He nodded coming over and sitting in front of me. "Serena Celia Van Der Woodsen, would you move in with me and our two lovely children."

I laughed at the way he phrased it, deciding to answer in kind. "Why, Nathaniel Archibald, I would love to move in with you and our two lovely children."

"Re... Really?" he asked shocked.

I laughed as I leaned over and kissed him. "I love you Nate, I can't think of anything I want more, than to move in together. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realise."

He shook his head. "Better late than never." He smiled, he leaned over and kissed me this time, and we stayed like that until we heard movement from the living room.

"We should go tell them." I whispered pulling back.

He nodded. "Do you want to, or do you want me to tell them?"

"I think we should do it together. Show them that we are their parents, and that we'll both be there for them."

He nodded standing up, before reaching his hand out towards me. Not bothering to hide the butterflies I felt, I reached out and intertwined her hands. Walking into the living room, I seen both the twins were now sitting up, but their eyes lit up when they seen us. They ran over to Nate and threw their little arms around his legs.

"We thought you left." Eric said.

"We thought you didn't say bye." Summer complained hugging him tighter.

"Sum, Eric, me and Daddy need to tell you something very important." I started "So can you two be nice and quiet until we finish talking?"

They nodded and sat down on the floor Eric holding Summer's hand. I looked up at Nate and seen his encouraging smile.

"OK, so Daddy is moving out of the hotel, and into a new house." I started. "But the thing is, Daddy would be all alone in the house, so I was thinking we could all move in with him. So what do you two say? Do you want to move in to Daddy's with me?"

"Live with Mummy and Daddy?" Eric asked.

"We would get to see you both every day?" Summer asked excitedly.

I nodded, as Nate smiled "Me and Mummy would both be there, so what do you say? Do you want to come stay with me?"

"Yes!" they both squealed coming up to hug us. With the four of us all tangled up on the floor, I realised that the sense of dread had gone. I wanted things to work out so much, and for the first time I could see them working out. I was somewhat surprised when Nate kissed me lightly.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I smiled back. "And we're going to make this work. I know we will, because I couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else."

"Me neither." He agreed, as Summer cuddles further into him.

Yes, this is exactly where I wanted to be. At home with my family. My whole family, my two wonderful children and the only man I ever really loved.


	18. When it's just us

**OK so a fluffy chapter to say thanks to all my amazing reviewers, especially MarkandLexiefan, BikerChick101, Emmachen1312, journey17. ericaaalynn, waylandfan01, lydia826, crystallee94121 who have always reviewed the new chapters. Thank you so much! Taking the time to review really means a lot! xx**

* * *

I poured out two glasses of water as I heard Nate move around elsewhere in the apartment. Gloria had kindly offered to watch the twins so that we could do the last of the packing without the twins trying to get our attention at every possible second.

"Nate?" I called out once I was finished to find out where he was. I mean it wouldn't have taken long to find him, but this way was just easier.

"In your room." He called back. I lifted the glasses and walked towards my room. It seemed weird that it was almost empty now, but I smiled when I seen Nate trying to close a suitcase that I had put the last of clothes in.

"Here." I said handing him the glass. "Are you OK? Not too much is it? Because I don't mind doing the rest myself."

"No, I said I'd help. And look what I found." He had on his cheeky grin in the end as he passed me over a photo. As I unfolded it, I saw why he was grinning. It was a picture of the two of us together, to be honest I don't remember it being taken, but we were dancing at a party, looking at each other as if we were the only two people in the world.

"Want to explain?" he laughed.

"Shut up!" I laughed back as I lightly punched him on the arm. "It just... ended up in my jewellery box?"

He just gave me his "I don't believe you face". I sighed before carrying on "Fine! It was a couple of weeks after I moved here, and I was unpacking the last of my things, and it fell out of my bag, and I just... couldn't throw it out. We looked so in love in it... I guess I just wanted something to remind me that there was a time when I was that happy."

"Serena." He said reaching out for my hands. "If it makes you feel any better, I kept a picture of us close to me too. It was taken after our first official date."

I laughed at the memory "Best first date ever."

"If you discount showing up with different people."

"Well I do! Besides I think it suited us."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we might have went with different people, but we ended up together. Isn't that kind of how it went with us? It was almost like we didn't have a say, that we were..."

"Were what?" he asked when he noticed that I'd stopped and didn't intend on continuing.

"It's going to sound stupid." I said as I felt my cheeks blushing slightly.

"I don't mind." He shrugged. "Come on tell me!"

He started tickling my sides then, as I squealed hitting him to get him to stop. Only to hear his comeback of "Not until you tell me."

"Fine!" I laughed eventually. "I give in! I was going to say that it was almost like... we were just meant to be."

He didn't say anything after that, just looked up at me. I felt myself blush again as he just continued to look at me "See, I told you it was going to sound stupid."

"I don't think it's stupid." He whispered. "I think I spent years trying to tell you that. And you spent as many telling me that I was meant to Blair. So to hear you say that... We're going to get it right this time, because I don't think I can wait any longer."

"I know." I said back. "I promise, this time when I get scared, to talk to you about it. And all that stuff with my Dad..."

"Serena, I was only..." he said before I cut him off.

"No, I'm not blaming you. I wanted to say that I was sorry. I should have said told you how I was feeling. And I want a proper relationship with you. You remember when you said that you wanted to be the person that I could bring anything too? I want that too. I don't want to have to hide parts of me anymore. I think I finally get it. That as much as I tried to hide, you, Blair and Chuck seen everything anyway."

"Well not everything." He replied. "There were still some things even we didn't know. But that didn't matter; we loved you flaws and everything. None of us are perfect you know?"

I nodded "Thank you." I smiled at him.

"Dance with me?" he asked.

"We packed away the music." I pointed out.

"And who needs music?" he asked. I laughed upon deciding that it was us, and we honestly didn't need the music. I placed me arms around his neck, as his slipped around my waist. As we danced around the room, making sure not to step on any of the objects on the floor, I realised that this seemed natural for us. Just to be with each other, and not care about the fact that anyone who walked in would think we had gone a little crazy. Eventually we just collapsed on the floor laying side by side, with our hands intertwined.

"Well that was fun." I smiled.

He nodded looking at me, before wrapping his arms around me. "I can't wait until we are a proper family. I still can't really believe it."

"Well in two days it'll be true." I smiled back. "Is it still OK, if we all stay in your hotel room tomorrow night? And for the twins to spend tonight with you?"

"Any extra time I get to spend with twins is great. And spending time with you is always amazing as well."

"Yeah, I love when it's the four of us. But I like this too. Getting to spend time with you, just us. We never did need anything to else to have fun."

"Yeah." He smiled back.

"You know it's weird, but it's sort of unsettling how quiet it is right now. I got so used to having lots of noise around. It's sort of nice that it's quiet for a while. Am I horrible for saying that?"

Nate shook his head. "You've brought them up yourself for four years; I think you've earned a time out. But I promise you that from now on, I will be there to help. I want to be a proper part of their lives, get to know what they like, what they hate. And I want to be a part of your life. Having you near, just makes life seem brighter."

"I love you." I smiled. "And I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you. But if we're promising stuff... I promise to never let you think I don't love you again. I promise to tell you everything, instead of hiding it from you. And, most importantly, I promise to never leave you like that again. You didn't deserve me leaving without an explanation. But I don't want to leave again, I want my happily ever after, and I can't picture that with anyone else."

He just smiled and placed a soft kiss to my head, and we stayed that way for a while. The two of us just lying on the floor, wrapped in each other's arms. And out of everywhere I've been, the five-star hotels, the penthouse apartments, this is my favourite place. With Nate, simply being us, nothing else mattered. Smiling, I cuddled further into him.

* * *

I groaned as I heard my phone ring, it was then that I realised that we had managed to fall asleep on the floor. Moving away, but being careful not to wake him up, I went to pick up my phone.

"Hello?" I whispered, walking to the living room, I failed to check the caller ID in my rush to answer it so as to not wake Nate.

"I am seriously considering handing in my best friend card." Came Blair's voice "How could you not tell me that you're moving in with Nate?"

"B, everything's just been so crazy since he asked me, and the move in date was sooner than we'd thought. We've spent every day trying to pack everything up, and in between work, the twins and telling Gloria I was moving... But you're right, I should have told you. Do you forgive me?"

"I guess so." She huffed "But I have got to ask, you said yes to moving in with someone, without any help?"

I laughed then, well I can't say she doesn't know me. "Well I didn't exactly. Nate asked and I said I didn't know. Then I went to go and say goodbye to Mom and Eric, and they sort of made me realise that I shouldn't get in the way anymore. I should just try, as opposed to making everything hard. So I did. I let my heart think for a little while, and the only answer that was screaming was yes."

"Well next time phone me!" she said "I want to be the one to shout the obvious at you. I miss you, can't you come back to New York?"

"No." I replied "But I miss you too. I miss you shouting the obvious at me, and making me realise things that sane people work out by themselves."

"Well sometimes you needed it. A lot of times you needed that." She said, and I swear I could hear her eyes rolling. "Now we've established next time anything big happens you tell me first, I can say that I'm happy for you S. And Nate too! I guess he finally got what he wanted. You know, it's corny to say, but I really am glad you two are happy together. And I guess Nate can never hate ice-cream."

"What?" I asked confused. What does Nate not hating ice-cream have to do with anythi... Oh! I laughed slightly "Never mind, I get it. Do happen to remember everything you say?"

"S, I say too many important things to not remember." She laughed. "Besides I was annoyed that day, you didn't listen to me."

"But that turned out OK... in the end anyway." I trailed off. "Listen B, I need to go. We need to pick the twins up. Gloria was watching them while we packed. Except we didn't get as much done as we wanted, we sort of fell asleep."

"S, I don't need to hear that." She moaned.

"No, B! I mean we literally slept. We danced for a little while, without music, then we had a talk then we fell asleep."

"Why doesn't it surprise me that you two danced without music?" she laughed. "Well if you have to go, I will say goodbye, I need to leave anyway. Call me later?"

"Of course. "I smiled. "Bye."

I was met with the dialling tone then. I flipped the phone closed as I felt someone's arms go around my waist as a soft kiss was placed on the back of my neck.

"Did I wake you up?" I asked.

"No." Nate replied. "I just noticed you missing. And my neck was getting kind of sore. Maybe falling asleep on the floor wasn't the best thing."

"Hmm, I liked it." I said turning around so I was facing him. "Just think, we'll be waking up next to each other again soon. Tomorrow: and then every day after that. If you think you can handle it."

"Do I think I can handle waking up to the girl I love every day? You know, I think I can force myself to manage." He laughed. "Are you sure you don't want to stay tonight with me and the twins?"

"No, I want to spend a last night here. It's been home for so long now... And it felt like a proper home... But so will the new house. But I think you need a night alone with the twins too. Get in some Daddy and kids time, before moving in together."

"I love those words." He said before kissing me. I pulled him closer slightly as he put his arms around my waist. But when things seemed to be getting a little too heated I pulled back.

"We can't. I told Gloria that we'd pick the twins up around now. And don't want you want to start Daddy/Twinny time."

"I'd rather have some Daddy/Mummy time first." He muttered as I hit his chest.

"We'll have plenty soon." I laughed. "Now be good, and let's go pick up our children."

"Fine." He faked huffed letting me go. "I'll go get our jackets."

I rolled my eyes at him, as he came back and put my jacket on. I took his hand and mine as we left, to go pick up our kids. Like a proper family, and in that moment I realised we'd have so many family moments from now. And that was probably the happiest thought I'd ever had.

"Are you OK?" Nate asked when he seen I'd paused.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am." I smiled.

* * *

I walked back into the flat by myself, thinking it was odd to leave the twins behind with Nate. But I had to, it let the twins know that Nate was going to be there as their father from now on, and it let Nate know that I believed he was an amazing father, because he was. I flung my bag down on the floor, as we'd already moved the tables so there was no-where to put it. We'd pretty much decided to get new furniture for the house so it would be "our's". And it didn't bother me to get rid of anything; I liked the idea of everything in the new house being mine and Nate's. Although what we picked out, was so much saner than what I'd assumed we'd pick out. But we still did have a few things that were a little out of the ordinary. But my favourite thing of all was the fact we were getting a family picture taken to put up in the main room. I collapsed against the couch, and took out the photo album, I had been looking at on the twin's birthday. The day that changed everything. But looking back I wouldn't change anything about that day, because I got everything I wanted from it. A family, my best friends back, my little brother back and the only person I ever fully loved.

And I won't let any of them go anymore. Even if the only person I have to really fight against for that would be me. Because when it came down to it, Summer got her habit to daydream from me. And this was the best dream yet.


	19. When I'll never let you forget it

"Daddy!" Eric exclaimed as he ran up to Nate jumping so Nate would catch him. "I love my new room! And it's right next to Summer's!"

"I know." Nate laughed. "Where is your sister."

"Introducing her dolls to their new home." Eric nodded while pulling a face. "I like my toys better."

"Why don't go and check on your sister?" Nate asked placing Eric back on the floor who ran off to see his sister.

"So, how do you feel?" Nate asked.

I smiled back. "I like this. I like knowing that you're here too, it makes it easier. It doesn't feel half as hard as I thought it would."

"Hard?"

"Yeah. Not because it would be hard to move in with you, we sort of done that before, but this was doing it properly, and not sharing it with Chuck. And, I always associated things getting this serious with being the beginning of the end. But this time... I mean if you're still here after everything, I think we can make it through most things."

"I think we can make it through anything." He amended, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You just had to upstage me didn't you Archibald?" I laughed, then went into my bag and taking out a folder "Speaking of which..."

"Information on changing your child's name, and the legal procedures involved." He read out as a smile formed on his face "You're really going to change it?"

I nodded "Well it didn't seem right if you're going to be here to not have your name in theirs. You have been so amazing since finding out about them. And I guess I should thank you for not letting me be so stubborn and push you away, just because I got scared."

"I've had practice." He shrugged. "So what do you say we take the kids out for dinner to celebrate our new house?"

I shook my head. "I think we should christen the kitchen."

"Isn't that really more of a breakfast thing?" he asked with a smile on his face.

"I don't underst..." And then I got what he was referring to, our first 'breakfast' as a couple "Not like that! I bought ingredients to make pizza."

"Pizza?"

"Don't mock." I shot back. "It's fun watching the kids decorate them." Then he just stared at me with an expecting glance "Fine, I might like decorating them too. I never got to when I was younger. And it's not that dear which helped too."

"OK, we'll go with your idea." He said "But only if I get to work with you."

I laughed as I kissed him. I put my arms around his neck as his found their place on my waist. And I couldn't help but smile, this was better than anything that I had ever imagined. And I was sure it couldn't get much better.

"Ewww!" Eric said walking into the room.

"It's not eww." Summer said defensively "I think it's nice that Daddy loves Mummy."

"Kissing girls is eww."

"Kissing boys is eww."

I laughed then, looking at Nate who was trying to hold it in. I shook my head. "What do you two say to helping Mummy and Daddy make pizza for dinner?"

"Yay!" they both chimed in. I smiled and started to make my way into the kitchen seeing Nate and the twins following, I placed all the ingredients on the table in the centre of the room, and Eric and Summer climbed up into the chairs so they could reach better.

"So everyone gets one to decorate each." I said "And remember, no touching anyone else's."

We then began making our own, Nate alternating making sure the twins were OK with me.

"Daddy." Summer said one time. "My sauce isn't working. It won't come out."

"Let me try." He said taking the tube of her, and squeezing it a bit, however a bit came shooting out which hit Eric. Who was momentarily stunned before turning to me.

"Mummy, Daddy hit me with sauce!"

I gasped overly dramatic "Well we can't have that can we?" I said before tossing a handful of cheese at Nate, which hit him, then fell onto Summer. After that everything sort of descended into chaos with the ingredients being tossed everywhere while people tried to dodge them. Eventually there was nothing left on the table and Nate held Summer on his hip, while Eric was hiding behind me.

"Take-out?" I asked Nate, who nodded.

"I'll get these two in for a bath, why don't you pick what you want from the menu's." He said before leaving with the twins, who were complaining that they wanted to play some more. I looked around at the tomato sauce on the floor, and was thankful that we had decided against a white kitchen. I shook my head, trying to walk over to where my phone was sitting when it began ringing, and I swear I heard Nate's phone too. I walked over to it and seen the caller ID.

"Blair!" I answered happily. "How are you?"

"I am really great, you won't believe what happened!"

"Ohh! What?" I asked.

"You're not even going to try to guess?"

"That would only get you mad at me, so tell me, what is it that happened?"

"You ruin the fun in everything." She sighed "But I got engaged!"

I let out a happy squeal at that "B! I am so so happy for you! I can't believe it! I'm glad you got what you wanted."

"Yeah, me too! S, would you like to be my maid of honour?"

"Really?" I asked.

"Who else would I ask." She laughed back.

"I would love to B." I said back. "But you know I can't really help you plan right?"

"Help plan? S, I've had this day planned to the second since I was five; it's just the groom that changed. Since you stole my old one, how is the new house?"

"Messy." I said looking around.

"Messy?"

"Erm, we might have had a food fight."

"A food fight? Seriously S? I sort of wish I could say I was surprised, but I guess something like that was always going to happen when we put you two in a house together. But at least try not to fight in front of the children."

I laughed slightly then and she sighed. "Let me guess they were there?"

"Maybe..." I whispered before laughing. "It was a one off thing, besides I don't the kitchen could take it again."

"Yeah... Anyway there is another thing I need to ask you."

"What is it?"

"Well Nate said the twins are on holiday next week, and I phoned Gloria and after some negation she agreed to give you the week off, why don't come back over here. I can't have an engagement party without my best friend there."

"You can't."

"No." She replied honestly.

"If it makes you feel better, I could never have one without you there."

"So will you come?"

Would I go? Go back and have to properly face everybody, and Nate's Mom, who probably hated me given that I would have just ruined her son's life. Could I go back and face Dan? But could I stay here when I wanted nothing more than anything to be there for Blair and celebrate with her. If they stayed together after everything, then they truly deserved to be happy, and I wanted to be there to see two of my best friends be that happy.

"I mean Chuck's telling Nate just now." Blair continued. "But I know you need to talk about it, so call me back when you know what you're doing?"

"Yeah." I replied. "I'll phone later. And B, congratulations, I really am happy for you."

"Thanks. Bye S." She said before hanging up. I sighed and sat on the edge of one of the seats so that I didn't land in the pile of food on it. I felt Nate's arms come around my shoulders and I looked up at him.

"Big news huh?" he asked.

I nodded "I'm happy for both of them though, I just want them to be happy, and for strange reason that I'm sure no-one knows, they make the other one happy."

"Yeah, who would have thought that they would end up together?"

"Who would have thought we would?" I pointed out.

"Me." He nodded.

I shook my head at him. "Isn't it weird that through everything, we still stayed the four of us? It was like even if the world was falling apart, I wouldn't have minded so long as you three were there. Making everything seem less worrying."

He simply nodded, still hugging me. "We do make a good combination. And considering we all but raised one another, we knew everything about the others. What made them sad or happy, when to push for answers and knowing when to leave it well enough alone."

"I love you Nate."

"I love you too." He replied kissing me softly on the lips "And I'm never going to let you forget it this time. But I guess the thing is... Do you want to go back to New York?"

"Do you?" I asked.

"I want to do whatever you feel comfortable with."

"That's not what I asked."

"That's the only answer you're getting." He shrugged. "So do you want to go to New York for the week?"


	20. When we're meant to be together

I sat awake on the plane, Nate and the twins were fast asleep, Summer was curled into his chest, while Eric lay his head on Nate's arm, and I smiled at them for a second before looking out of the window again. We had decided to go to New York, after a long talk, and Nate promising that he would never leave my side, and of course Blair reminding me that if anyone said anything to me, she and Chuck would find a way to get them back. But I would have to tell everyone why I left, how I managed to go unnoticed these past few years, and how I, the messed up child ever managed to pull myself together enough to raise them. And believe me that wasn't easy.

* * *

_I held the bag closer to me, as I walked towards the address that was written on my sheet of paper. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I couldn't afford it to be. And it felt odd to have to say that, but I guess the days of getting all the material goods I wanted were gone. I pushed to front door open shakily, as I climbed the stairs looking for the right apartment. Then I seen it, and chapped softly on the door. When it opened I seen a kind older woman, who smiled softly at me._

"_Hello dear, are you here to look at the apartment?" _

_I nodded, and walked in when she stepped aside to let me pass. I looked around nervously, and she sat down on the couch. _

"_Are you alright dear? Do you need to sit down for a bit?" _

_I nodded shakily. "I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous. My first time over here." _

"_Where are you from?" _

"_New York." I replied. _

"_Wow." She smiled. "I always wanted to go, but could never get over my fear of plane's. Pity really, I'm sorry what did you say you're name was?" _

_I went to Serena, then paused because she wasn't meant to come up again. So instead I said the name that I had decided on, well if Chuck come become Henry why couldn't I be "Amy. Amy Gardner." _

"_Amy, I'm Gloria." She smiled holding out her hand. "You can't be that old, must be under twenty, so why did you decide to leave home? If you don't mind me asking of course..." _

"_No it's OK." I said back "I just... I'm pregnant." _

"_Sweetheart, I don't think that's the best time to leave your home. What about the father?" _

_I froze then, what about Nate? He would probably try and find me at first, but he would give up eventually when he realised I just wasn't worth it. When he realised that he should be with someone better, someone who wouldn't leave him, someone who would be there for him, someone who would never leave, someone who wasn't scared to be with him, someone... Just someone all together better than me, and that's when I felt the tears start to fall, as Gloria went into her bag and handed me a packet of tissues. _

"_I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to make you cry. Did he react badly to the news? What about your family?" _

"_They would hate me." I whispered. "It's not proper to have children outside marriage." _

"_I'm sorry for upsetting you, would you like to look around the apartment?" _

_I merely nodded, feeling worse than I had when I had came in. I was a horrible person for leaving them all like that, taking the baby away from its family. It wasn't fair, but it was too late to turn back, this was for Nate, not me, and I had to do this, I had to._

_

* * *

_

"Mummy?" Eric's voiced pulled me from my thoughts.

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm not a baby!" he huffed. "I'm four!"

"You're right, I'm sorry you're a big boy now, what is you wanted."

"A cuddle." He nodded, and climbed into my lap. "Summer get's Daddy cuddles, so I get to have Mummy cuddles. Do you think Uncle Chuck will play with me again?"

"I'm sure he will." I smiled as Eric cuddled further in, his thumb heading towards his mouth, I pushed it down slightly and felt him rest his head on my shoulder, as he fell back asleep, and when I thought that he was asleep he whispered softly.

"Love you Mummy. Love you most."

I kissed the top of his head. "Love you more baby."

* * *

_I sat nervously in the waiting room, I seen all the expecting mother's around me with their partners comforting them. What did I have for comfort? A bottle of water. I shook my head trying to get rid of my thoughts, everything would be OK, it had to be, I had risked too much for something to go wrong, and I had gotten used to the idea of being a mother, now all I wanted was for the pregnancy to be over so that I could greet the person that was growing inside me. Someone half me, and half Nate. Someone who would never, ever doubt that I loved them. I would never leave them. _

"_Miss Gardner?" the nurse called out, as my head snapped up. I had gotten used to hearing the name now, so I grabbed my bag and headed into the room, sitting on the chair, as the doctor came in. _

"_Good morning Miss Gardner. I am Doctor Berry" She smiled. "So, this is your first check-up?" _

_I nodded, feeling the nerves come back all over again, not that they ever properly left. _

"_I assume this is your first pregnancy, so we will do the scan first, then we can have a chat about anything that you may be worrying about, or if you want anything clarified." _

_I nodded, and tried not to grimace as they placed the cold liquid on my stomach. _

"_Sorry about that." She smiled in sympathy. "It's a shock the first time, but you get used to it. Now all we have to do is see if we can find... and there it is, can you see that." _

_She pointed out an imagine on the monitor. "That's your baby, and it seems to be progressing at the right rate, and it seems to have a good strong heartbeat. I would say that you are looking at one healthy baby." _

"_It's amazing." I smiled. "It looks so small, I still can't believe it sometimes." _

_The doctor began to talk about problems first time mother's normally have, but all I could think was that nothing was ever going to hurt my baby. Even a small unclear picture on a screen made me want to show everyone, and I felt so proud. I had made a person, and I was never, ever going to let anything bad happen to it. And I would love it so much, that it wouldn't know what to do._

_

* * *

_

Except that was the easy part. The waiting for them to come, and when they did I was surprised, but then when you're expecting one child and get two, it's not that shocking to be surprised really. And on that day I learnt that the pain was completely worth it in the end.

* * *

_I lay exhausted in the bed, trying to get my breath back to normal while trying to see the nurses tend to my brand new babies. Plural. I still can't quite believe it. I heard their soft cries while the nurses ensured that they were OK, and that there was no problems, but despite this all I wanted was to hold them. Let them know that their Mom was there and that I was never leaving them, I would always be there for them, the way I wished mine was for me. And just then the nurse came up, a baby in each arm. They looked so small, and they already meant more to me than I could say, a boy and a girl. _

"_Would you like to hold your children?" The nurse smiled. _

_I just nodded in amazement. My children, I had helped make these two amazing people in front of me. She placed them in my arms and I smiled down at them and despite them sleeping I spoke to them. _

"_Hey. I'm Mummy. And I know I won't be able to give you diamonds and mansions, but I promise I will shower you with love, I will do everything I can to make sure that you are always happy, I will never leave either of you. You will never have to doubt that I love you, and I do love you both, so much! You are the most amazing people I have ever met, and you're going to need names aren't you! I'm sorry I didn't pick them out before, but I was too scared that I would jinx things, and I so wanted to meet you. And I'm glad I got the two of you, now I have a boy and a girl, and I don't need anything else ever. You two are my life now, everything I do will be for you. I love you both."_

_

* * *

_

"Serena?" Nate's voice was groggy as he spoke.

"Well hello sleepy head." I laughed.

"I see I was deserted." He nodded at Eric. "Nice to see he loves me."

"You were cuddling Summer." I mocked. "He felt he needed cuddles too."

"Are you OK?" he asked. "Because I know we're on the plane, but I will get us one right back if you want to change your mind."

I shook my head. "No I need to do this now. Besides do you really want to cancel on Blair at the last minute?"

"Yeah, you're right, it wouldn't be worth it. But I mean it, the instant you start to feel like you can't stand it we'll go home."

"Nate?" I asked.

"Yeah Serena?"

"I heard you and Eric than night." I whispered.

"What night?" he asked confused.

"When you said that... you were working on marriage."

"Oh." He whispered "I know you're not there yet and..."

"I know." I smiled back. "But I just... It doesn't scare me anymore the thought. I was thinking about the twins being born, and you should have been there."

"You don't need to say sorry again."

"I wasn't going to." I said back. "I was thinking... at some point... down the line, when we have everything sorted, that maybe another one might not be so bad. I love Summer and Eric, and nothing will change that, but I want to a pregnancy right. I want to be able to do it with you, I want to be there like I should have let you be the first time."

"You want another baby?" he asked, in a way that I couldn't describe.

"I mean not now, and it's really up to yo..." But I was cut off by Nate pressing his lips against mine.

"When you're ready, and when we have everything sorted with us, I would love Sum and Erik to have a little sibling."

"We're going to get it right this time." I nodded. "If we made it this far, I think... no I know we're meant to be together. And Natie, if I had to get married, it could never, ever be to anyone else. If I get a happily ever after, you need to be there."

"I'll always be there S, as long as you let me, I'm not leaving this time, and I'm not letting you run away. I want forever with you too Serena, you and our two beautiful children."

I smiled at him as Summer stirred a little before going back to sleep. And that's when going home became less scary, because even if I got scared, now there was always going to be someone there for me. Even if he always was, now I know how to let him in.


	21. When you steal someone's thunder

"Serena?" Nate's voice sounded as if it was coming from a million miles away. When in actual fact he was standing right beside. We had walked out of the airport and seen Blair and Chuck waiting next to a parked limo. "Serena?" Nate asked again, then leaned down so that he was on the same level as the twins.

"Why don't you two go and seen Auntie Blair and Uncle Chuck while Mummy and Daddy have a talk?" He asked, as the twins nodded as Blair hearing Nate, came up and got them, giving me a small smile as she walked away.

"Serena, are you OK?" Nate asked. "If it's too hard..."

"No I need to this." I cut him off. "And before you ask, I need to do it for me. It's just so strange. I feel happy to be back, but everything seems so foreign already. It's not been home for years but... I don't know, I just feel like I did when I came back after boarding school. Going back to my messed up life, but there was that part of me that wanted to come back, be with everyone again... I don't know. I'm being silly, I can do this!"

"I know you can." He said. "But you don't need to do it by yourself. I'm here, Blair will be there, so will Chuck, your Mom, your brother, and the rest of your family."

I smiled softly at him. We had never actually discussed that part of coming home. I know that he was worried, he hadn't said anything, but I seen the look that flashed across his eyes when I said that Mom wanted to have a family lunch. Not that Nate objected to that, it was more who would show up for the family lunch. We might have discussed us, but we never brought up Dan. I think we were both scared to. I think Nate thought that by bringing him up, we'd end up right back in our stupid triangle, where I couldn't summon the courage to say who I had truly wanted. And me? I was too scared to bring up Dan, and risk the chance of reminding Nate of how much I had hurt him. The twins were enough of a reminder of that.

"We should get going." I laughed. "I think Blair's dying over there, trying to work out what we're saying."

Nate nodded and slipped his into mine, as we walked up to our best friends.

"Serena!" Blair smiled, passing Summer onto Chuck, who also had Erik standing next to him, asking him if his Mummy made him wear his suit. Then Blair, wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm so glad you're here." She pulled back then. "I couldn't imagine this without you."

I smiled at her. "I'm so happy for you B. All I wanted was for you to be happy, I just never thought Chuck would be the one to make you happy but... when have our lives ever been predictable right?"

"No-one who knows you should ever expect predictable."

"Haha." I replied dryly.

"We should get going." Nate said. "It'll be better if we get the twin's to the hotel, and get them settled down a little. I don't think your mother will appreciate it, if we show up with two hyperactive children."

He walked over to Chuck then and picked up Summer and placed her into the limo before doing the same with Erik, before climbing in himself. Then I seen Chuck walk up to us.

"Sis, why does Nathaniel look like he wants to physically injure someone?"

"Are you going to the family dinner?" I asked.

"Yes." He replied somewhat confused.

"Do you know who else is going?" I asked, as he nodded his head again. "You don't see where I'm going with this?"

"Humphrey?" he asked, as I nodded.

"Listen I think I need your help."

"I am not helping you talk to Humphrey!" Blair objected straight away. "Do you need your head checked? You have Nate, why would you even want so..."

"I don't want Dan!" I cut in. "It's the opposite. I want to tell Nate that he has nothing to be worried about. But I can't do anything especially romantic with the twins in the suite. So could you two... maybe... possibly... watch the twins for me?"

They both nodded their heads. "And how are going to explain us taking the twins to Nate?" Chuck asked.

"I'll just simply say that you love them so much, you want to spend as much time as you can with them! And if that doesn't work, I'm pretty sure I can distract him long enough for you to get the twins out."

"And what are you going to do after that?" Blair asked. "Because I love you, I do! So I say this with love, you can be a bit dumb sometimes. And you've hurt so many times and..."

"I just want to remind him that, I want to be with him more than anything. We even... I said... about maybe having another baby in the future. I want it all with Nate. We already have the kids, and the house, but I want everything else too. I want the fairytale wedding, I want the 'till death do us part'. I guess I just assumed he knew that, but I realised, even if he does know all of that, I still need to be the one to say it all."

They nodded, and Chuck smirked. "Well it only took you what? Six years to finally pick? Or shall we take it back before then."

"Shut up!" I said back "You weren't much better admitting your feelings."

"Is that all you have?" he asked.

"I'm tired." I shrugged. "And we should go, I want get the twins for a nap."

And I walked away then, leaving no room for protest from the other two.

* * *

"Mummy!" Summer shouted as she came bursting into the room dressed in her coat and hat. "Auntie Blair's taking me shopping."

I looked at Blair, raising an eyebrow, but she just smirked back.

"You're the one who doesn't want us here. I'm just following orders."

"Mummy!" came Erik's voice "Uncle Chuck is taking me to the park!"

Chuck? In the park? With a four year old? Suddenly I wished I had hired someone to take pictures. So I just shook my head and looked at Chuck.

"How long is Nate going to be gone?" I asked.

"I'd say you have another hour, he went to pick up a few things, but I wouldn't say more than an hour."

"OK." I smiled. Well have fun." I said as the twins came up to give me a kiss goodbye. When the door closed, I began to set the room up. At the end, I had the room lit with candles. I had changed into a light yellow dress that billowed out from the waist down to my knees and just as I had finished brushing my hair, I heard the key turn and ran into the main room, picking the two glasses of champagne.

"Surprise!" I said as Nate walked in, pausing to survey his surroundings. Then he smiled at me.

"If this is kind of treatment I get when we go on holiday, remind me to force you to go more often." He walked over then and put his arms around my waist kissing me softly, before taking his glass from me.

"What's all this in aid of?" he asked sitting on the couch.

"I need to talk to you about Dan." I said seeing the smile slip from his face.

"Serena..." he sighed.

"No! Please let me finish. I know that me seeing him again has worried you, but you need to know that... nothing that happens will we're will change anything between us. I love you Nate, and I'm not scared to love you anymore, I don't want to have to be without you. I want to be that family, that people see, and want to be because the families so perfect. I know we're not perfect, but this is the closest to perfection as I'm ever going to get. Growing up, all I wanted was to be happy, and now I am... It feels like a dream sometimes, one where everything is what I want, and if it is a dream, I never want to wake up. I want you Nate. I want you, and only you. And if you can put with me, you and the twins, and anyone else who decides to join our family... that's all I ever want Nate. That's all I'm ever going to need. I want forever Nate."

"We already said that we wanted forever." He pointed out, but I could see the smile in his eyes, but I laughed slightly.

"I wasn't just saying that." I laughed. "I'm asking for forever Natie."

"I can do forever if you can." He smiled.

"No Natie!" I smiled. "I'm asking for forever. I'm saying that I'm ready!"

"You're ready?"

"On the plane, moving in, seeing you with the twins, none of it scared me Nate. Well some of it did... but it was a good kind of scary. I need someone who is able to read me enough to push me to do what I really want, and not let me just stay where it's safe."

"Serena, I don't get..."

"I'm asking for forever Natie. I'm asking for the chance to be happy. I'm asking..." I froze then, if I wanted forever then why not just try to get over my biggest fear? Plus picturing everything with Nate it wasn't scary. "Let's get married!"

"Serena?" he asked shocked. "Are you OK?"

"I don't mean right now!" I rolled my eyes. "But... I want everything Natie. So will you marry me?"

He just smiled and brought his lips against mine again, showing me just how much he loved me. Then he smiled against my lips and pulled back.

"You know you just stole my thunder?" he laughed.

"Huh?" I replied confused. "And you didn't technically answer me."

"And I'm not going to." He said.

I stood up then. "Oh God! Did I go too fast? I thought you wanted to an..."

He cut me off then, not by speaking, not by kissing me, but by leaning down in front me, on one knee, pulling out a small blue box. He opened it slowly letting me see the gold band with a small blue sapphire. I looked at him.

"It's the twins birthstone, and it reminded me of your amazing eyes. But you're ruining my speech. I was planning on waiting until we got back, but considering that you're trying to beat me to the punch... I might have known I loved you for more years than I can count, but seeing you again, that clarified that you are the only one that I can be with. There's no moving on for me Serena, you're it. You can make me mad, there are times when you hurt me so much, but none of that matters, because in the grand scheme of things... being with you, balances all that out. You make me happier than anyone Serena, you have given me the most amazing gift ever. You're an amazing mother to our children, and I love being able to come home to the three of you. And the only thing that would make it better... is if I was getting to come home to you as my wife. I want to show the world that I love you, but more than that... I want you to see that I am never going to leave you. I already told you that you're the most beautiful, alive person I know. And every day that passes, just reaffirms that belief. I love you Serena, you're the most beautiful, alive person I know, you're the most amazing person I know, you're so much stronger than you know, you make life that much more fun. And I can't picture growing old without you."

He took a deep breath then, making our eyes meet. "So Miss Serena Celia Van Der Woodsen, will you make me the happiest man to ever walk the planet and become my wife?"

I nodded with tears in my eyes. "I'd love to Natie!"

He slid the ring on my finger before kissing me then, and I couldn't help but feel like everything was going to be just fine.

"We can't tell anyone just now." I whispered as we moved apart.

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't want to steal Blair's thunder. I think we should wait, at least until after her party. But Natie?"

"Yeah S?"

"I really am happy right now." I smiled, then paused. "You just had to one up me with the ring didn't you?"

"That's what you get for trying to steal my thunder he shrugged before hugging me again.


	22. When that's a short lunch

I sat next to Nate in the car, Chuck and Blair had decided to, erm travel themselves, and the less questions asked about that the better. So it was just me, Nate and the twins. I looked over at him and smiled even more.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Shouldn't I be asking you?" He laughed. "Are you sure you still want to do this?"

"It's just my family." I shrugged. "I'm sure I'll be fine, it's more the party I'm nervous about."

"Yeah." Nate said not looking me in the eye.

"What happened?" I sighed.

"Nothing." He lied, but I just looked at him, he really was an awful liar. "OK, so don't panic..."

"That's never good." I muttered, looking over at the twins who were watching some random animated cartoon, on the little TV Chuck had bought them for car journeys.

"My mom decided she wanted to come to lunch. And Lily said that she could, get to meet her grandchildren."

"Oh." I whispered. "I thought... I thought that we would have another day until that."

"Serena, it will be fine." Nate said taking my hand.

"Oh really? Because I don't think it will. Let's review the facts shall we? First I get pregnant, then I lie about it, then I move to England, then you come after me, find out about the first two things, then decide to move to England yourself. Who wouldn't hate the girl who not only stole their grandchildren but also is the reason they don't see their son anymore?" Despite wanting to shout all of this, I had to keep my voice calm and level, no point in alerting the twins to the fact that something was wrong.

"Serena, you were young and scared. I might have preferred that you told me, but I can't put myself in your shoes, anymore than you could put yourself in mine. And you didn't make me move. I wanted to be with my family. And you, Eric and Summer are my family. All of you. I won't let my mother upset you Serena, I won't let any of them say anything. They can be angry you left, but I won't let them blame you. And as for the twins, well that is just between you and me. They are our children and no-one else should get a say. And if either of our parents say anything... it's not like we don't have examples of bad parenting."

I smiled softly at him. "Nate?"

"What is it Serena?"

"You know about..." I gestured to my ring finger, we wanted the twins to know first but we were waiting to after Chuck and Blair's engagement party to tell them. You can't really trust a four year old to keep a secret.

"Yes." Nate nodded, a bright smile appearing on his face.

"What do you say we do it here?"

"That it would be hard to get this exact car again." He smirked, so I punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"You know what I meant! But really? What do you see we do it here? During summer, obviously. We could have it in central park and then have an amazing reception. Of course we'd have to let Blair 'help' pick it out... So what do you think?"

"I think it sounds great." He smiled placing his lips over mine. "Although are you really going to let Blair help you plan it?"

"Let? I'm sorry have you met Blair Waldorf, I don't think I have a say in the matter." I laughed.

"Blair does have a way of making things go her way." Nate nodded.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll still make it perfect for us. But to be honest, I don't need all the extra's Blair does. Blair wants the you know what, wants to be the girl that looks amazing and that everyone wishes to be. But me? It's more of a chore really. I mean you know what's are great, and I love them. But... And I know it's only been a day but I'm more looking forward to what comes after the wedding. Being together. Being a family. Knowing someone will be there. That's all I ever wanted, to know that someone would always be there. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realise that _you_ always were. I mean Dan knew good Serena, Carter knew party Serena, and let's face it none of the others really knew any of me. But you were different, you knew all of me, even vulnerable Serena, and no-one gets to see her. I just... I can be an idiot sometimes. I guess... part of me knew that I loved you. Part of me knew that you would always be there, and it scared me. It scared me so much. People leave me Natie. Whenever I got close to someone they would leave, so I decided that I wouldn't get close to anyone again. Let myself get attached, but you and the other's you wouldn't let me push you away. And I'm so glad for that. I need someone like you, someone who'll fight with me when they think I'm wrong, someone who knows when I'm upset, someone who knows when I'm pulling away. I guess... I just love you so much Natie, and I am so sorry for all the times I let you think differently."

"So you want to tell Blair you don't want a big day?" he laughed, but as I said my speech I seen how much it meant to him.

"No." I laughed back. "Like I said, I want to live long enough for what comes after it."

I rested my head against his shoulder, and for the rest of the journey we sat in silence, the only sound coming from the twin's.

* * *

When we got to the building, we didn't go up to the apartment. Having heard Anne was going to be there, I wanted the extra support of Blair and Chuck, I needed some other people who would defend me. I looked down when I felt someone tugging at my skirt.

"What is it sweetie?" I asked Eric.

"Do I have to wear this much longer." He said pulling at his shirt. "It's itchy! I don't like it."

"You won't have to wear it much longer sweetie. How are you Sum?"

"I want to play! Auntie Blair said that we could play when she got here. I like Auntie Blair. Auntie Blair's fun!"

I smiled at her, and I felt a sudden rush of confidence wash over me. I might be nervous, but I was going to go upstairs and let everyone see that I don't regret my decisions. They may have been messed up, but I wouldn't have been able to look after Eric and Summer if I hadn't made them. And that's when I decided not to wait. That would make it look as if I had done something wrong, and while I will admit that I disappointed Nate, I owed no-one else an apology.

"Nate? I want to go up?"

"Are you sure? Chuck and Blair probably won't be much longer."

"I'm sure." I smiled. "I want them to see us arrive as a family. I want them to see how happy we are. And I don't need Chuck and Blair, I just need you and mini-us."

"If you're sure?" he asked. I nodded, he just smiled back at me. "Summer, Eric you ready to go see Mummy's family?"

"Yeah!" They said. Deciding that it would be much safer to carry them into the apartment, and not run the risk of them running, I picked up Summer while Nate took Eric in his arms. When the elevator doors opened I took a deep breath in trying to calm myself down.

"You'll be fine." Nate whispered, as we turned the corner and seen everyone sitting in the lounge. They all looked up, most of them looked unsure what to do, but Erik had stood up and had came over to us.

"It's nice to see you again." He smiled.

"You too!" I beamed back. "I'd hug you but you know..."

"Uncle Erik!" Summer squealed clearly not happy at being ignored for so long. She held her arms out to him, as he took her from me.

"Hello Summer, and Eric." He tried to catch his nephews eyes, but little Eric had his head curled into Nate's neck. Eric was my shy one, I swear if Summer didn't force him he wouldn't talk much.

"Daddy, who is everyone?" I heard him whispered. I gestured for Nate to put him down, which after a small fight he managed to do.

"Um..." I swallowed nervously. "Sum, Eric, you remember your grandmother, your Uncle Eric, this is..." I paused, unsure as to what to address Rufus by, but I seen him nod at me and I got what he meant "This is your grandfather, this is Dan, this is Jenny and this is... this is your other grandmother. Daddy's Mommy."

I had done everything to avoid looking into everyone else's eyes. I could handle Rufus, but I wasn't sure about the others. Dan would be angry for my abrupt departure, for leaving amidst the mess we had became. Jenny... well I was the one who still hadn't fully forgave her. I messed up enough on my own, but her messing with me and Nate in the past, it was something I still wasn't properly over. And I was pretty sure I couldn't stand the look in Anne's eyes.

We lapsed into silence until Rufus broke it. "Well it's nice to have you back Serena. And it's nice to meet you." He smiled at Summer and Eric.

"Do you have any chocolate?" Summer asked.

Well leave it to Summer to come up with something like that. I just smiled as Rufus took them towards the kitchen, I took another breath in, and sat beside Erik. If no-one else I could count on my little brother, Nate sat next to me after greeting his mother.

"Serena, are Charles and Blair joining us soon?" Mom asked.

"I think so." I muttered. "They didn't say when they were meant to get here."

We lapsed into an awkward silence then. Rufus had stayed with the twins, showing them the toys mom had got them to keep them occupied. Erik, Dan and Jenny soon followed them, leaving me and Nate alone with our mothers who kept shooting glances at each other.

"Serena, Anne and I were talking." Mom started. "We think it might be best if you move back to New York."

"What?" I asked shocked.

"We just think that it would be more stable for the children for them to grow up here. Serena, you know how things work here. You won't have to work anymore, you can even go back to collage if you want, we would help hire someone to watch the children."

Then Anne cut in. "We think it would be best for the children to stay here. You are both still young, and how are you meant to properly support your children when neither of you have prominent jobs? Nate you left everything you had worked for here, if you come back you can pick up from there. It won't be hard to organise. You can't give up everything just because you are living in a fantasy over in London."

"Excuse me?" I cut in.

"Serena." Mom started. "I think..."

"I don't care! How dare either of you say anything about our parenting skills. We have two healthy and happy four year olds next door. They're happy, which by the way is something neither of you ever gave to us. I might not be ab... No. You know what? I'm not going to defend myself. I don't care what either of you say."

"We are looking after our family." Anne cut in. "Something you never seemed to care about. How can you stand there and lecture us on family values. Who is the one who robbed my son of children? Who is the one who destroyed his life? You are doing what's best for you, not your family and definitely not my son."

"Mom." Nate reprimanded. He may have been defending, but I seen the disappointment shining in his eyes. That's when it sunk in, he wanted to come back to New York, he wanted to bring the kids up here. Everything since he had come back into my life had come with the tag "if you want". Was it fair to make him stay in England when he was happier here? When he had a life here? Why didn't he ever mention it? Was he scared I wouldn't listen?

"You want to." I whispered.

"Sorry?" Nate asked. "I didn't hear what you said."

"You want to move back." I repeated in the same hushed tone.

"I... don't know." He shrugged. "We can talk about it later."

"No." I said. "I just need... I need... I'm sorry."

I ran to my old room then, noticing that it was the same as always. I sank down onto my bed and heard the door creak open.

"Go away Nate, I'm not ready." I muttered, my voice being muffled by the pillow.

"I'll tell him that, if I see him." I heard Dan's voice from behind me.

I sat up, then and looked at him. He hadn't changed much, he came and sat next to me.

"So... what happened?"

"I think Nate wants to move back." I whispered.

"And the thought of coming back reduced you to tears? We're not that horrible you know?"

"I just... he didn't say that he wanted to. I mean he mentioned it, but he never told me how much it meant to him."

"What are you actually worried about?"

"The reason why he didn't tell me. I just... How are we meant to be a proper couple, if he's too scared to tell me the truth? We went through so much these past few months, and I just... I want him, to feel like he can shout at me. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything and I'd still be there."

"Would you?" Dan asked hesitantly.

"Would I what?" I asked.

"Be there?"

"Of course I would. I love Nate."

"What about anyone else?"

"No, why would you..." I said then trailed off when he looked up. "Dan, I love Nate. And I know I left in a horrible way but I was scared. I was so scared, but I'm with Nate Dan."

"You chose me over him before."

"Dan, that isn't a fair comparison. I was younger then, and I had just been through an awful night, and I was mad at Nate."

"And you chose me."

"It wasn't like that. And it was only a kiss. It meant nothing, I was upset and you were there and..."

"Nate wasn't." Dan cut in. "I was there for you when Nate wasn't. I was always there for you. I was the only one there for you when you came back from boarding school."

"That's not fair. I told Nate to leave me alone, I told him to be with Blair. When I got back Nate wanted us to be together."

"But you didn't, and you came to me."

"Dan, don't!" I said. "I love Nate, we're en... we have children. We have a life together, we have a future together. You and me, we have a past. But I would like a friendship in the future."

"I think we can be more than friends." He whispered. "We were good together, we could be again."

"No Dan!" I screamed. "I like you, but I love Nate. He's the one I want to be with!"

"OK." Dan whispered. "But I'm the one who really understands you. We always seem to drift together in the end. And I would look after Summer and Eric like they were..."

"Don't finish that sentence." I barked. "Don't you dare finish that sentence!"

"Serena..." Dan called after me as I stormed out of the room, and to where the twins were.

"Uh-oh, Mummy's got mad face, what did you do?" Summer asked.

"Nothing, you did!" Eric argued back.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Summer, Eric we're leaving." I said.

"Why Mummy? We were getting waffles."

"I'll buy you anything you want for lunch but we're leaving, now." I helped them both into their jackets and grabbed their hands as I began to walk to the elevator.

"Serena." Mom said, but I didn't turn around just walked around the corner towards the elevator when I felt someone's hand over mine.

"S, are you OK?" Nate asked concerned.

I looked down to the twins who were staring up at me confused. I sighed and looked back at Nate.

"I'll tell you later. We need to talk."

He nodded at that, as the elevator door opened and Chuck and Blair walked in to the apartment.

"So, did we miss much?" Blair asked as I all but stormed into the elevator still holding that children's hands, Nate coming in after us.

"Guess so." I heard her say as the doors closed. I leaned against the side of the elevator, letting the twins hands go, as they went to stand next to Nate. That was not what I was expecting. Well most of it was just not everything with Dan, and what Nate might want. But on this one case, after everything I did to him, everything he had to give up to move to England, I would let him decide where he wanted to stay. Or rather where he wanted our family to stay, and I would make him tell me the truth, not just what he thinks I want to hear.


	23. When you're my knight in shining Armani

"Serena." Nate whispered softly sitting next to me on the bed, the twins had gone to sleep hours ago, and Chuck and Blair had gone to her mother's to give me and Nate 'space'. "Are you OK?"

"I just don't get why you couldn't tell me." I sighed. "I made myself look like an idiot earlier blabbing along, when all the time you want to move back. Why couldn't you tell me?"

"I was scared." He whispered. "I felt like it wasn't my place to say anything. Serena, you're the one who knows the twins, you're the one who brought them up so well. I trust your judgement with them."

"But it's not just me anymore!" I shouted then sighed knowing I couldn't raise my voice. "Don't you get it? I want to be with you Nate. I need you to be able to talk to me. I need you to feel safe enough to say something you know I won't like. We won't work out, if we're too scared to open up Nate. Come on, you have to remember all those arguments when you screamed at me about keeping secrets. And you were right, relationships are about sharing, so we need to be able to do it."

"I know." Nate sighed. "I just... I was scared of losing everything. Serena, having you here, and the twins, living with you all, making plans for the future... It's all I ever wanted. This, what we have, it's better than any dream I ever had. But you blink in a dream, and it all fades away. I was too scared to say anything that might have taken the three of you away."

"Nate..." I trailed off. "If I say something you need to listen. Can you do that?"

Nate nodded mutely, which I took as my queue to continue. ""Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is ever going to take me and the twins away from you. Nate, the twins adore you! Why wouldn't they? You are an amazing father to them, they can tell how much you love them, and they love you right back. I would never, ever keep them from you again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. But Nate... I'm not going anywhere either. I know I make mistakes, let's face it that's no secret. I spent most my formative years falling or stumbling from one mistake to the next. But I can't do that anymore, it's not about me. So I made a promise to the twins when they were born. That they would be my number one priority. And when you came back... After everything... I regret a lot of relationships, but never us. Well... I regret what I did to you, but never us. And now, I need you with me. You make me a better person, you complete our little family and I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Serena..."

"No, please, just answer me this. Do you want to move back? Do you think it would be better for us?"

"I just... I think being here would be better for them. We know the area Serena, we know what schools are good, we know how the system works. You have done an amazing job of looking after them growing up, just think of how much it would be here? We could have help..."

"We don't need help." I snapped.

"I didn't mean hired help." Nate explained "I meant help from our families, our friends. Wouldn't you like to see everyone again? Be able to spend the day catching up with Blair? You could get a job over here easily. You may have been away for a few years but you're still Serena VanDerWoodsen."

"It sounds nice." I had to admit. "But I'm scared Nate. England Serena seems to have a good grasp on things. She doesn't mess up, she's kind of everything I ever wanted to be. But New York Serena? She never got anything right."

"Serena, you're not that girl anymore. And it's nothing to do with geography. You've changed, OK not changed, you're still that amazing, spontaneous girl I loved since I was a kid, but you've grown up. Coming back here isn't going to change that, nothing is going to change that. When you were here last you were still young, we all messed up at that age. But the one good thing about being here? Even if we fall, we have the best safety net ever. What does the non-judging breakfast club do better than catch each other before they fall?"

"Scheme?" I laughed.

"True." Nate nodded. "But we only we do that when someone needs protecting, or if someone was hurt."

"Yeah." I whispered softly.

I stood up and went over to the window. The view was familiar, I had spent so much time in this hotel, it would be strange if I didn't immediately recognise my surroundings. But more memories filtered into my head. Girly days with Blair while and Chuck and Nate did whatever they did when they were together. Having random fights with Chuck that made no sense in the grand scheme of things. Being with Nate. All of the happy memories I had made over here came flooding back in that instance, but with them came the one's that I wished would stay hidden. I sighed and looked back at Nate, his eyes telling me that whatever I decided he would support. Like no matter what, he would be there, I remember the first time I realised that he actually would be there, all those years ago. I hadn't taken the news of Mom's latest boyfriend well. Well she had left the country with him, without saying goodbye to me and Erik, and I had just been fed up and needed to find a way to forget about it for a while. So I did what I always did, I ran to a bar and drank too much, causing the bartender to phone my most recent contact. Nate.

"Come on S, let's get you home." Nate said putting my arm around his shoulder's to steady me as the night air hit my face.

"No." I mumbled. "I want to stay. Mom's not home, so why should I be? Erik's away on a trip as well! At least I would be with people."

"OK, so you don't want to stay alone. I can phone Blair."

"Nooooo." I moaned. "She'd shout. We can go get more drinks"

"I'm going to have to say no that." He laughed, as I pouted. "OK so you don't want Blair there, why don't I come back with you? We can make some poptarts, get you some coffee, and just hang out, we haven't done that in a while."

"We did that earlier at school." I rolled my eyes.

"No S, that was everyone, I meant me and you haven't talked in a while. I missed my time alone with you."

"And I missed my Natie time." I smiled back "OK, we can go home, but can we change that coffee to wine? Oh! Or martini's?"

"We'll talk about it there." He smiled.

I nodded and tried walking forward by myself, which caused me to trip slightly, but someone grabbed my waist before I hit the ground. I looked up into Nate's eyes.

"You always catch me."

"And I always will." He replied, the honesty shining in his gorgeous eyes, and for the first time, I truly believed someone would be there if I fell.

"You're my knight in shining Armani." I smiled.

"Armani?" he repeated. "I don't think that's the saying S."

"No, but when was the last time you wore armour?" I pointed out.

"Yeah we need to get you home." He said helping me into a taxi, as I fell asleep on his shoulders.

"Nate." I said eventually. "Let's do it."

"Let's do what?"

"Move back."

"Are you sure?" he asked, but I could see the happiness in his eyes.

"No." I replied honestly "But I'm going to do it anyway. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you're my knight in shining Armani."

I seen confusion, and then I seen recognition glowing in his eyes, along with his smile. I smiled as he came over to me, pressing his lips softly against mine.

"So we're moving back?"

"Yeah, we're moving back." I giggled, as he picked me up and swung me around. We spent the rest of the night just talking about old times, and what we hoped would come. We came to the conclusion that so long as it involved me, Nate, the twins, Chuck and Blair, we wouldn't ever need anything else. After all they were our little messed up family, but I wouldn't have them any other way.


	24. When you let go of fears

_A/N: I'm sorry it's so bad, but I wrote it in a rush as I wanted something up for you all. I've had so much school work lately so haven't really had to time to work on the chapters. But I hope you like it anyway. _

"OK." Blair sighed sitting elegantly on the chair across from me. "Are you going to tell me why you have that smile on your face, or am I going to have to force it out of you?"

"It's nothing." I shrugged.

"S, I will force it out of you if I have to."

"I can't tell you, I want you to have your special night first."

"S, are we teenagers sitting on the met steps?"

"No..."

"So, tell me. I promise I won't try to sabotage things."

"Fine." I sighed. "But I won't tell anyone else, besides I'm sure Nate will tell Chuck who would tell you anyway and..."

"S!"

"OK, I'll tell you. It's pretty big, well it's two really big things. I'm engaged!"

"To Nate!"

"No, the monster under my bed." I rolled my eyes. "Yes to Nate."

"I just... I'm impressed you realised who you're meant to be with. But I'm so happy for you S! I can't believe you didn't tell me right away! You and Nate! I'll help plan of course and... That's only one thing."

I nodded "We're moving."

"Where?" Blair asked, I could see hope shining in her eyes. I smiled softly at her.

"New York."

"S!" Blair squealed before she flung her arms around me. "I can't even say how happy I am right now. So when are you moving?"

"We haven't quite finalised things yet. And we want to do it our own way, without our parents interfering. B, there was something else..."

"You're pregnant again?" Blair guessed.

"No. It's Dan."

"S, are you insane? You love Nate, not Dan. How long is it going to take for you to realise that? I mean you're engaged..."

"I know, and I also know I don't love Dan but... He... He said some things at our family lunch. I didn't tell Nate because I don't want to ruin things between him and Dan. But I need a buffer?"

"Anything to keep you away from Humphrey." Blair nodded. "Why couldn't you realise that Humphrey wasn't right for you sooner? Like before Paris."

"That was a horrible time OK? I was... mad at Nate. I was mad at everyone really. I was even mad at myself. I had spent my whole life was messing up, finding my father was supposed to fix that. Besides in a weird way, I'm sort of thankful for the whole before Paris thing. I know it wasn't ideal circumstances but if it wasn't because of that mess, I wouldn't have the twins. And that is something I can't imagine."

"So, we're both engaged." Blair smiled, letting me know that she'd drop the subject. "Who knew you'd steal the person I always imagined being engaged to?"

"Who knew you'd end up engaged to Chuck Bass? Actually... who knew Chuck would even get engaged? I had visions of him being eighty and still acting like he was sixteen."

"Didn't we all?" Blair shrugged.

"Who knew you'd be the one who got Chuck Bass down on one knee."

"I did." She replied her eyes sparking with mischief "Just like I knew that Nate would be the one to make you say 'I do'. Admittedly, I lost faith for a while when you went MIA, but as soon as we found you, I just knew."

"How?"

Blair rolled her eyes at me in a 'don't you know already?' manor. "S, you and Nate... You make sense. You work together. But do you know when I truly realised you both belong together?"

"When?"

"Well a part of me always knew, but for obvious reasons, I was in denial. And then I seen how Nate acted when he seen you with Tripp. It was like it pained him to see you two together, and I knew it wasn't for the reasons he was spouting. 'I don't want him to lose his job' but what he really didn't want to lose was you. At first I tried to rationalise you two, think of why you worked so well together, then I realised something. Love doesn't need to have a reason, you two work together, because you actually love each other. Plus if you two were together then we could have our group back. You, Me, Chuck and Nate, we might live in a crazy world, where things aren't what they seem most of the time, but none of that mattered because we had each other. Even when everything else changed, even if we were fighting, if we were in trouble we knew we had people to fall back on. And now, well now we can have it forever."

Serena laughed slightly. "Yeah. Our own crazy, messed up little family. Hey B!"

"What S?"

"We'll actually be a family now! If you marry my adopted brother, then you'll be my adopted step-sister!"

Blair laughed slightly "I guess we will. Well it's only making official what we've known since we were five."

"Am I the only one who feels sorry for the rest of the city?"

"Who cares about them?" Blair laughed, then seen the clock. "Oh, we've got to get ready. I can't be too late for my own party. And S?"

"What is it B?"

"Tell Nate about Dan. Don't you remember the mess you got into when you didn't last time?"

With that sentence Blair walked into her room to start getting changed, and I walked slowly back to mine. I guess Blair was right. I had shouted at Nate for not being honest, so who was I to not award him the same courtesy?

* * *

The party had been going on for a while, it was everything I imagined it to be. It was sophisticated and just laden with little touches that screamed 'Blair and Chuck'. And the 'she's back?' stares weren't as awful as I thought that they would be. Well at the very least, I could deal with them. It's not like I was a stranger to them I suppose.

"Are you OK?" Nate asked sitting next to me, carrying the drinks he had just got from the bar. "You're doing so well, I'm proud of you."

I smiled slightly at him. "I need to tell you something, and I probably shouldn't do it here, but you need to know."

"What is it?"

"I... I didn't mention that happened at the family lunch. And I am sorry, especially after everything I said to you. Dan wanted me to leave you for him."

"Did... Did he do anything?" Nate blinked.

"No, well not like that. But Nate, I told him on no uncertain terms that I loved you. That I want to be with you."

Nate just nodded, looking over at where Blair was chatting happily with her father. "Promise me if he does anything like that again, you'll tell me immediately?"

"Promise." I whispered. "And Nate, I meant what I told Dan. I only want to be with you."

"Well that's good." Nate said finally turning back to me. "Because I'm not letting you go anywhere again."

"Oh really?" I laughed. "Wait, there is one more teeny little thing I need to tell you."

"What"

"I told Blair about... you know." I said gesturing to my ring finger.

"Oh, well I sort of knew that." Nate shrugged, then seen my shocked face. "Blair would know something was up, and when does Blair ever give up when she thinks we're hiding something? Besides I told Chuck, I knew we agreed to keep it a secret for now, but I thought that meant everyone apart from Chuck and Blair."

"Can you imagine what they would have done if they knew we kept it a secret?"

"Make us regret the fact we never decided who would get the twins if something happened to us." Nate nodded seriously, but a small smile played on his lips.

"Yeah." I whispered back, then seen my brother walk up to us.

"Hi, how are you?" Erik asked me right away.

"I'm OK, thanks." I smiled back. "It's not as bad as I thought it would be. And it's definitely not as bad as lunch was."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I didn't think that they were going to ambush you like that. It's not normally Mom's style."

"Not your fault." I shrugged, and then looked over at Nate. "Can I tell him?"

"I thought you would have already." Nate shrugged. "I'll leave you two alone; I need to talk to Chuck about something anyway. I'll be back in ten minutes."

I watched him walk away, then looked back at my brother. "So what can you tell me?"

"I'm moving back, well we all are."

"Really?" Erik smiled. "You mean Mom actually got you listen for a change."

"No." I shook my head. "We decided that if we move back here, it's going to be on our terms. We'll pick where we stay, and we'll do it without any help."

"Well, I'm happy you're moving back. And Serena, I know she didn't show it that much, but Mom only wants you back because she misses you. She was a mess when you left, I've only seen her like that a few times... And just... don't be too hard on her, she means well."

"What would we do without you? Our little buffer?" I laughed.

"Oh you would have killed each other by now." Erik nodded.

"I have something else to tell you."

"You're pregnant?" Erik guessed.

"No!" I rolled my eyes. "Why does everyone go there? I'm not pregnant..." I trailed off looking around, making sure no-one was looking "I'm engaged."

"You're... what?" Erik asked shocked. But I just smiled and nodded knowing he heard what I had said.

"Wow." Erik said. "Congratulations Serena."

"Thank you." I beamed. "I never thought that this would be me at this age. Getting married with two kids, but in a weird way I wouldn't change a thing about my life."

"You seem happier than I've ever seen you."

"So do you." I shot back. "I can't believe how grown up you are. Well I suppose I can, you always were the mature one."

"Says the girl who used to play Mom."

"Touché."

"So how did Nate ask?" Erik asked.

"Erm... well that's a bit of a funny story."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Haha. Well we'd been talking to the future, and I realised that I couldn't picture mine without Nate, so I said that I wanted forever, and then I kind of just blurted out 'let's get married'. Except it turned out that Nate had planned on proposing when we got back, so he got down on one knee with a ring and the sweetest speech..."

"Well figures you two would manage to have a proposal like that. I half expected you at one point to say you had gone off to Spain and married in secret."

"Are you kidding? Blair would kill me if I didn't let her be a part of the wedding! You know B loves weddings, she would never forgive me if I left her out!"

"Hey looks like it's a family reunion." Erik said suddenly pointing over my shoulder, I looked over it to see Chuck walking towards us.

"Sis, I head congratulations are in order." He said smirking.

"You knew!" I gasped seeing the look on his face.

"Nathaniel might have mentioned something about it."

"Is that why you were so willing to watch Eric?"

"No. I thought that he would wait until he got home but Nate needed to hear what you told him."

"I know." I whispered. "I guess I need to actually tell him how I feel more. He says it all the time, just little things, but I still can't shake that feeling that... that..."

"If you do, he'll leave?" Erik supplied.

"Yeah."

"You're not Mom, Serena. And Nate isn't like the Klause's, our father or any of the other's."

"If Nate's not left by now, he's never going to sis." Chuck added.

"I know." I replied. "I just... Need to show him I know that, and I need to get over my stupid little fear. And I think I am, I finally think I am over it."

"You took your time coming to that conclusion." Chuck smirked. "Let me buy you a drink."

"It's a free bar."

"And who's picking up the tab for everyone?" Chuck responded.

"Fair point, better make that one drink two then."

As the three of us made our way over to the bar, I realised once again that the benefits of coming home far outweighed the cons.


	25. When forever it is

I pulled my hair up into a bun, before scrutinising my reflection. I sighed and slumped down on the bed, as Nate came in from the bathroom a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Serena, are you alright?"

"Do we have to do this today? Can't we leave it until... well do we even really need to tell them?"

"Yes, we need to tell our mother's that we're engaged." he smiled, coming over and placing his arm around my shoulders. "If we don't tell them, they will find out some other way, and do you want to deal with them after that?"

"I just wish it was our little secret longer. I don't mind Blair being over-excited and planning our wedding along with her's, I just don't want our mother's to intervene. I don't want a big society wedding Nate; I want a small intimate one. With only our family and friends there, I want it to be one of the best days of my life; I don't want to have to spend the day aimlessly chatting to people who don't even really know us."

"Then don't let them pressure you into anything." Nate replied softly, "I want to give the day you always wanted."

"What about the day you always wanted?" I shot back.

He smiled, shaking his head at me slightly. "Don't you get it; I will have the day I want no matter what. So long as I have you there saying the words I do, I don't care what else happens. We could be in a church, on a beach, in a park, on a dolphin, as long as the twins and you are there, it will be the day I want."

"So are you ready for the first people we need to tell today?" I asked, reluctantly pulling back from Nate, as he stood up to pull on a shirt and a pair of jeans.

"Shall we go get them?" He asked once he was ready. "Or do you want them to come in here?"

"Here." I said brightly, before calling for the twins. "Summer, Eric. Mummy and Daddy need to see you."

They came bouncing into the room fully dressed, courtesy of Chuck and Blair it seems. I rolled my eyes, and patted the bed next to me, causing the two of them to run up and jump on it, before cuddling up to me. Nate sat in front of us so that he was looking at us.

"Mummy and Daddy have something very important to tell you." I smiled at them. I saw them look at each other as if to say "did you do anything", I held in my laugh as Nate took over.

"Me and Mummy have decided that we want to be together forever, and we decided to get married. Do you know what that means?"

"That I get to be flower girl!" Summer beamed. "Just like Auntie Blair is making me!"

"Yes you will be a flower girl." I smiled at her. "But it means that Mummy and Daddy are saying that we will always be together."

"I get to have Mummy and Daddy forever?" Eric asked, his voice shy, as if he didn't want to risk saying it any louder unless the answer was no. I felt the tears spring to my eyes, as Nate gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before answering our son.

"No matter what happens, your mum and I will always be there for you and Summer. We both love you so much, and we want us all to be a happy family."

"I want a happy family." Eric smiled.

"Daddy can't leave now." Summer smiled.

I smiled at her. "There's one other little thing. Mummy and Daddy think it would be best if we stay here for a while. With Auntie Blair, Uncle Chuck, Uncle Erik and your grandmother's."

"Can we stay with Auntie Blair?" Summer asked excited.

"No." I laughed, as Summer's smile faded. "We would have our own house. But I'm sure Auntie Blair will come around and see you lot's."

"Can I have my own room?" Eric asked.

"Yes you can have your own room." Nate smiled at him.

"Can we go play now?" Eric asked, as I nodded.

"Yay!" the twins shouted before running from the room.

I turned to look at Nate a smile on my face. "You know I never thought that I could say forever without feeling scared, but when I think of forever with our family, I'm not scared. I want to know that we'll always be there for each other, I like knowing that I will always know that someone loves me. And I want to stand up in front of all of those who are important to us, and say that I will love you forever."

"There was one thing we didn't discuss." Nate said.

"What?" I asked. "I thought we covered all the major things?"

"Not all of them Miss _VanDerWoodsen._"

The emphasis on my last name told me what we hadn't discussed; I rolled my eyes and punched him on the arm.

"Ow." He replied in shock. "What was that for?"

"For not knowing the answer to the question already." I laughed at his pouting face. "Do you really think that I would let the rest of my family be Archibald's while I was still VanDerWoodsen?"

"So are you saying…"

"That after we get married, I'd be Mrs Archibald." I supplied, causing him to smile at me.

"Mrs Serena Celia Archibald, you know I think I like the sound of that." Nate laughed. "You don't have to take my name you know…"

"Yes I do." I nodded. "I want the proper family thing Nate, I want us all to have the same name."

"But you always swore growing up that you would never change your name."

"That's because of how often Mom swapped boyfriends; I always thought that it was just a waste of time changing your name, when you were going to change it back anyway. But I grew up, I realised not all relationships are like that. And I know ours won't be, if we made it this far, I don't see any reason that we won't always be together?"

"Have I mentioned how much I love you saying that?" Nate asked, then covered my lips with his. "Come on, we need to get this over with."

"Fine, but you are taking me out for ice-cream after."

"What if I don't want to?" Nate laughed.

"What made you think you had a choice." I stuck my tongue out at him, as I slipped my hand into his. I may have been dreading this lunch, but knowing Nate was going to be there with me, was a huge comfort.

I walked back into the apartment that was still so familiar to me, and seen my mom and Anne sitting on the sofa. Erik had been downstairs, ready to take the twins out for us. We decided that since Erik already knew that it would be easier if he kept the twins out of the apartment while we talked with our mother's.

"Serena, Nathaniel." Mom said standing up to place a kiss on my cheek as Anne did the same to Nate, and then we all took our seats. Following our last encounter the atmosphere was somewhat tense, something that was obvious to everyone.

"Serena, would you like to tell us why you wanted to meet?" Mom asked in a somewhat frosty tone.

"Well… We have some news we need to tell you. Two pretty big things really. But before we do I need you to know that we are going to this our way, and we would appreciate if you listened to our views, you might not agree with us, but we're not changing our minds."

"We will respect your wishes." Anne said, in the same frosty tone my mother held.

I looked to Nate, who nodded in slow understanding. He cleared his throat causing the attention to turn to him. "I guess there's no roundabout way of saying this, so I'll be blunt. We're engaged."

Their facial expressions stayed the same for the most part before Anne spoke. "Well that is only proper; you two do have children together."

I rolled my eyes, figures they couldn't just be happy for us. Why did it seem like even now, nothing we done was ever good enough for our parents?

Nate however seemed unphased by it, or maybe he had simply been expecting it? Regardless he carried on "We also decided that we are going to move back to New York. But we want to do it our own way. We want to pick the apartment and are of the city. We will welcome your suggestions of course, but at the end of it all, the house we pick will be the one we want."

"Congratulations." Mom said eventually. "I am sure that the two of you will have a bright future."

"Yes congratulations." Anne smiled, but it was the practised one that held no real emotion. "I am glad you value our opinions that highly."

"It's not we don't appreciate them." I said "It's just that it's important that we do everything our way, it would be like cheating otherwise. At the end of the day I want us to be the ones responsible for the twins, and not someone else. Not even family."

"I admire your values Serena, but it's not easy to look after children and…" My mom started causing me to scoff slightly.

"I've brought up two perfectly healthy children for four years, by myself in a different country. I'm sure I can manage the same here in familiar surroundings and with a support network."

I fought back the urge to add on that they had never 'looked after' us growing up; they merely passed us onto everyone else. But I decided against it, they were already not our biggest fans today, so keeping it as calm as possible seemed like the best idea.

"We want you involved." Nate said "We just want the ultimate decision to be ours. We of course value your opinions, and we both want you be a part of this, we just need to be the ones who make the final decisions."

"We want it to be something that's perfect for us, and that's not a big affair." I sighed. "We want the people who are important to us there. That's our family and Blair and Chuck. That's all we need."

"We will support your choices." Mom nodded.

"We want you to have the day you want." Anne said. "Even if it's not what we would pick."

"Thank you." I replied, was it a hostile acceptance? Yes, but at least they accepted it and that's more than I thought they would. I looked over and Nate and smiled, things were going right. And this time I was determined not to let anything ruin it.

"Well that wasn't so bad." I said to Nate as we were walking back to the empire. "At least there was no bloodshed."

"Yeah." Nate said seemingly distracted. Then he pulled me down a small street, until we stood outside a small building. It was somewhat hidden, and somehow held a magical quality. The grounds surrounding it was covered in bright flowers, there were trees sheltering the building as if it was a sight only to be held by a select few. It was the sort of house I had always dreamed of living in when I was younger.

"What do you think?" Nate asked smiling.

"It's beautiful, but I don't get why we're here."

"I was thinking… That we could get married here. The owner's rent it out for gatherings and when I saw it, I thought of you."

"I love it." I smiled. "Although we do have to consult with our wedding planner."

"Blair's already given her permission. She was with me when I first noticed it."

"And how did you know the planner was B?"

"Because I know B." Nate nodded his head. "There was no way she wasn't helping plan it."

"True." I smiled at him. "Can we see inside?"

He nodded at me "I checked ahead of time, I thought you might want to see inside."

We walked up the path and Nate opened the door open for me, bowing deep as he did so. I rolled my eyes at him as he walked in. When I did, I gasped at how perfect it all was. In front of me was a grand staircase, but it was the room to the left that caught my eye. I walked over to it, seeing Nate following me. It was small, and already set up for a wedding. A small aisle created in between two sets of chairs. There were candles on the wall, that when lit would give an intimate feeling, it was perfect for us.

"I love it Nate."

"So what do you say?"

"I want to do it here." I nodded. "I can't imagine somewhere else now, it's going to perfect Natie!"

"Of course it is. How could it not, when I finally have the girl I've loved for longer than I can remember, finally saying I do."

"And I have the one person I ever really loved saying it to me." I smiled at him. "This is going to be forever Nate. We won't be like our parents, we always seemed to have our own little world, were everything was perfect. Now that world seems to be the real one, and if we're here after everything… I honestly believe that nothing will ever ruin us. Not even me."

"So we make a deal? We mean it when we say till death do us part?"

I shook my head. "I never believed in that. If you die first and I really don't want that to happen, nothing would ever make me stop loving you. It's always been you, and it will always be you."

Nate wrapped his arms around me, placing a soft kiss on my head. "I'll always love you no matter what. And this time, I'm not letting you slip away. Nothing is more painful than losing you."

I pulled back so that I could look into his eyes. "Forever?"

"Forever." Nate whispered, before placing his lips against mine.


End file.
